Mum reacts badly to me now ALL the time =o(

[scared daughter]

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't been around much, I have been over at my mums, more accuratly i have been staying with my mum in law and visiting my mum everyday.

I have been poorly and had an op so didn't see her for a while, but she just won't acceot me and is pretty agressive when I say I am her daughter, it isn't just heartbreaking physically I am suffering a huge amount and don't feel strong rnough right now to keep going back for the abuse.

I know it is the disease and not my mum - but how do I get roudn this? I have stopped taking my children as it is just too distressing and it is all over the fact this "middle aged woman" is not my daughter =o(

 

[Onlyme]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with ill health and cope with your Mum at this stage as well.

Do you have photos of you from late teens through to recently? Could you scan them (she might rip up the originals - found out the hard way) and put them in a cheapy clear plastic pocket folder from Tesco? That way when she rejects you you might be able to show her that you are you? I'm sorry this is grasping at straws but I can't think of anything else.

Loads good wishes at you feel better soon physically.

 

[piedwarbler]

Hi again scared daughter

This is a tough one, isn't it, being called and abused verbally and all when you are trying to help someone who doesn't realise you are in fact their daughter. I don't know what to advise except to say it's not your mum speaking, it's the illness, and try and hold onto that. I know it's a lot easier said than done and I defy anyone not to be hurt when insults are flying your way. Even though you prepare yourself for it and steel yourself as you go in, it still wounds.

I send you a big hug and a metaphorical "TP" silver shield to use against the verbal assault.

Remember to be kind to yourself too. You have had an op, and have been poorly, so you are not exactly full of resilience. Try and keep your visits short. Make up your mind how long you will stay and try and stick to it.

Take care, thinking of you x

 

[BeckyJan]

If this were me for a while I would stop trying to convince her. My husband sometimes thinks I am his Mother - so I go along with it (not too chuffed though).

Can you visit with perhaps a small gift or gesture - flowers, smelly stuff, an odd hanky. She may start thinking you are a good person and, for me, that would make me happy, more than her recognising me as a daughter.

Just my thoughts.

Edited to add: look after yourself, though - you do not sound strong enough to be visiting at all. Perhaps just go for very short trips with an odd gift.

 

[lin1]

If this were me for a while I would stop trying to convince her. My husband sometimes thinks I am his Mother - so I go along with it (not too chuffed though).

Can you visit with perhaps a small gift or gesture - flowers, smelly stuff, an odd hanky. She may start thinking you are a good person and, for me, that would make me happy, more than her recognising me as a daughter.

Just my thoughts.

Edited to add: look after yourself, though - you do not sound strong enough to be visiting at all. Perhaps just go for very short trips with an odd gift.

I agree with Jan especially the last part .

It isnt easy when our loved ones forget us
When mum asked who i was she did not believe me when i told her, but she did accept jt when j said we were family .

When you see mum is she ok with you till she asks n you tell her

Do look after yourself n keep vists short till you are stronger

 

[nocturne]

I have had some really bad spells when Mum became angry at my trying to "pass myself off as her daughter". Attempting to get through to her that I really was her daughter made her more agitated and agitation made things worse. I found it best not to argue but to try to get her onto another topic of conversation. Sometimes when she became calmer and relaxed she could acknowledge who I was. I found teling funny stories about things which happened in my childhood helped, especially talking about words and expressions I got muddled up in the way young children do. Humour has always been the best way to distract Mum but everyone is different so it might not work for you.
Strangely,Mum has been much better since she moved into the care home. She has lots of photos of us together taken both when I was young and much more recently. She also has a "memory book" full of photos and stories from her early childhood to the present day. The staff go through these with her and I think it does give her a measure of time, which she otherwise totally lacks. It is hard to say if this is helping but you could try leaving photos of the two of you lying around. Even if she does not see you as her daughter, she might realise you are someone close to her and be more comfortable around you.
Do look after yourself.I know only too well how draining this constant conflict can be. If you can get someone to visit with you, do. Even if they can't help, just having another person to talk to can make it feel less stressful. If not, I agree with the advice to keep visits short until you are feeling stronger.
Jan

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I think it would be if first, you wait until you've gained more strength. Then when you visit, if your mother thinks you're not her daughter, just say you know her daughter, you live down the street or a street over, or you met her in a shop or whatever. Ignore the whole mother/daughter issue (if you can) and talk about things you think she'll remember that are reasonably neutral.

 

[Grannie G]

I agree you should not visit until you are stronger and more able to take the upset.
And when you do, a small bunch of flowers might help break the ice. People are used to gifts of flowers from visitors, so it would be a `no strings` gift.
I wouldn`t argue with your mother about who you are. It would be good enough if she sees you as a lovely person just visiting.
My husband always greets me with a smile but I haven`t a clue who he thinks I am. The smile is enough.

 

[scared daughter]

Thank you all so much, I had an early night and resolved not to go over this week, it is a long way and it is so draining.

I guess when she asks who I am I will need to be careful, what I think is bothering her is I "look like" what her d=aughter might look like as an "old" woman my mums words, it is obviously freaking her out - which is also distressing =o(

I will use the TP shield and I will just be that visitor with nice flowers, I will give her my name and i bet she has a daughter called that too =o(

Very tough this disease, thank you all so much for your support xxxx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Scared Daughter,

I have only just caught up with your thread and am glad that you have other options to try when you are stronger and more able to visit.

I do wish you well in your recovery from your operation

love

 

[wispa]

Hi scared daughter

but she just won't acceot me and is pretty agressive when I say I am her daughter, it isn't just heartbreaking physically I am suffering a huge amount and don't feel strong rnough right now to keep going back for the abuse

I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.

It hits you hard doesn't it. It will be especially hard if you are not feeling up to it all after your op.

First and formost take care of yourself, because you need all your strength to get better.

For me the feeling of losing my Mum but not losing her physically is overwhelming sometimes. My feelings are so very mixed up and all over the place that I can't make sense of them myself anymore!

The slang term "It Messes with my Head" seems to sum it all up!

I know how you feel .

I hope things get easier for you soon, they have eased considerably for me since my Mum went into a home, but there are still many ups and downs!

<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>

XXX