Father has alzeimers and does not know his wife has died

[morningstar]

My father has alzeimers and is in a home. My mother has passed away and use to visit him every day. The nurses tell him over and over again that she has passed on, he hears this every time he forgets and wonders where she is. I am at a loss and feel whenever he asks now that we should not keep tormenting him and say "she is resting". I feel that the staff should also tell him this because she use to tell him she could not visit him because she was resting. Is there any way of handling this any other way...is it ok to just say she is resting. I am concerned my father may have anxiety attacks or begin to get depressed as he is already prone to depression.

 

[Carer1]

Hello Morning Star, welcome to TP and I'm sorry to hear you are having problems with your dad not knowing your mum has died. When my dad asked about his family (who had passed many years before) I eventually had to say to him that they were simply 'waiting for him' in the garden by the gate (but then I knew he was dying and needed to pass over) ad mentioned his younger brother who died in 1944 when he was a teenager. I also had to think of something to say to my mum 20 years ago too when she was in hospital and asked for her mum and dad.

I think that saying your mum is resting now will be easier for him to understand and easier on yourself.

I'm sure others will have advice for you.

will be thinking of you.

regards

 

[Onlyme]

I think resting is a lovely idea. What is the point of going over the same ground every day with your Dad? As you say he is going to go through the loss everyday. If she is just resting then he might be a bit cross that she didn't come today but he will have forgotten soon enough.

 

[larivy]

I agree resting sounds good if he is happy with that larivy

 

[scarletpauline]

I agree with saying she is resting, I guess eventually he will stop asking, it will be easier then, love Pauline xxx

 

[lin1]

Hi
I agree , dad used to tell my mum that her mum had died n she was so upset , I told dad to stop telling mum that, we made out that her mum would be coming later .

Just tell the manager and staff what you want them to say in future

 

[sleepless]

This sounds like a good idea, but be careful.
My dad would wander out at night into the street in search of mum (she died 6 years ago) and rather than keep upsetting him by telling him over and over that she had died, we told him she was in a care home 'down south' (so he wouldn't go out to try to find it) but this white lie has haunted us ever since. He has not forgotten, and asks questions about where it is exactly, how is she doing, will she get better etc. Alongside all this, he also believes she was with him that morning, but has gone off in a huff! But you can't assume anything with these illnesses, so be careful what you do say. It isn't easy having to look my dad in the eye when he asks about the 'care home down south.' In fact, it's as if he knows we're not telling him the truth. (Dad's in a care home now, by the way, so we don't have to worry any more about him going out searching for her. I think our 'problem' - not the right word really - is that our dad does not forget certain things at all, and will persistently bring them up. Others would have forgotten the care home story.)
sleepless.

 

[geordie]

My mother repeatedly asks about the wellbeing or whereabouts etc of members of the family who have died many years ago -resting is a phrase that I use and then if she becomes very insistant about one of her deceased siblings me saying that X is with her mother (but not specifying exactly where!) seems to be sufficient to calm. Other days she will remember how and when siblings died and I just try to listen carefully to her to tune into the right memory state and produce the most appropriate response.
Hope some of this is useful to you.

 

[Heather777]

Morningstar-I am sure that there is no right way to deal with this, but one day you will find the phrase that makes him feel ok. My mum died a few days after my dad moved into a dementia unit last year. I took him to see her at the chapel of rest and to the funeral but he doesn't still understand. I just mention her in conversation and re tell him that she has died. It is very hard for you to have to repeat stuff because it reminds you of your loss. He will in time be used to the routine of not seeing her I am sure.

Heather x

 

[Jancis]

Dear Morningstar,
It sounds like a good idea to tell your dad she is resting and see if he is content with this. It's not a false statement either you could add that she is very peaceful.

 

[sunny]

I think if he asks to say she is resting is ok, but also please let him grieve, he may know that she has died but does not know how to handle his grief and so him keep asking for her is a way to do it. People with dementia must be allowed to grieve as with anybody that has lost their partner - it will take time but eventually probably he will not ask about her.

 

[florence43]

Morning,

I think it's the right move too. He was content with that explanation when she was alive, so it seems the kinder, safer option, and not too far from the truth.

Your instincts will tell you what is right for your dad and since there is no right or wrong, just go with the kindest approach. Definitely get the staff on board. It must be consistent.

My dad died a year ago (tomorrow) and the day we told mum, she understood, and she reacted. 12 months on, she doesn't know who we are and the times in between, we didn't remind her. She had blissfully forgotten and we never wanted to see that pain on her face and the look in her eyes again. It would be like the first time, over and over again.

That was our feeling and we have no regrets. She was suffering enough with her own illness, so the least we could do is save her the grief if it was an option.

Hope that helps!

 

[CraigC]

Hi Morning star,

You may want to read this thread:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=13300

As I said in my reply, it so depends on individual. I tried not to keep repeating it to dad as I felt it was cruel. In my opinion it is not something you should drum into someone if it is upsetting and depressing.

You may also find the following factsheets useful.

Communicating

Understanding and respecting the person with dementia

Lots of tips on communication and how to present information.

Hope this helps
Craig