Sheila56

[Sheila56]

I'm new to this I've just joined today. I have feelings of guilt as I had to put my husband in a nursing home last week. I feel as though I've let him down but I did tend to him since he was diagnosed with dementia since Februay of 2009. I had him home with me and believe me it was just him and I. I have feelings like I've deserted my best friend, companion and my husband. I cry many days. It's very hard when he's from the United Kingdom and I'm from America. I have no family here and he has a son which very seldom comes around. We've only been married 3 and a half years. I go see him daily as I can't go without him. I hate to see how depressed he looks when I have to leave after his tea. Could someone please help me?

 

[SheilaL]

Hello Sheila - from another Sheila. Please, please, please don't beat yourself up. None of us can carry the burden 24/7 much as we would wish to. Without tangible and emotional help your situation had clearly become untenable. You haven't deserted or let your beloved husband down. It's better that he's somewhere safe, is receiving the care he undoubtedly needs - and you can visit him knowing that you're rested and ready to face any hurdles which may arise. God bless xxx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Sheila and welcome to TP:
I understand only too well your sadness as my husband went to a Nursing Home nearly 2 years ago. After the initial settling in stage he seemed to get along well with other residents but still could not understand why I had to leave.

He has had several downturns and now has little understanding of where he is - thinks I have been shopping or doing domestic jobs when I am not actually with him.

I also visit most days although now a friend takes over at least one day per week. To see the deterioration is heartbreaking.

After the first few weeks of total despair I made myself join in other activities so that I have no time to sit around moping too much. It has taken alot of effort to do this.

Please stay with TP as I am sure you will find much support here.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hello Sheila56, that's tough, but SheilaL has spoken wisely. It is extremely hard to care for a person with dementia right to the bitter end, and not many people manage it. And it doesn't get easier, it gets harder, that is for certain.

So please relax, if you can and find time to take care of yourself. You will still have a place beside your husband, visiting, comforting, sharing special moments and keeping a check on how he is looked after. That in itself will be more than a full-time occupation, believe me.

In the meantime, try to find support in your role from friends and anyone who knows your husband, as well as from Talking Point. If you can build a support network for yourself, then the future will not seem so terrifying and certainly not so isolating.

Take care of yourself. (I won't apologise for repeating that.) It is important that you try to pace yourself, nurture your self, find ways of escaping from the pressure of supporting your husband.

There will be times when you suffer more than he does. He may go through bad patches of one sort or another but will forget them. You won't do so as easily. You must allow yourself the space to cope with whatever is coming in the best way that you can. Make time for treats for yourself, breaks and holidays. You cannot tie yourself so closely to his condition that you stifle yourself in the process.

Please keep posting on TP because you will find so many people who will want to help you.
Kind regards Deborah

 

[Sheila56]

Thanks BeckyJan I'm looking forward to other's views and recommendations. I do thank you for your reply and look forward to hearing from you again. Just to have others that are facing the same trials that we are all facing helps.

 

[cragmaid]

You have not let him down, you have not failed, you have done the only possible thing you could to ensure that he has 24/7 care. Take pride in the fact that you have carried the burden this far and now you have the opportunity to spend quality time and not be forever thinking I must go and change the bed, wash up, iron or whatever because your time spent together is precious and your time apart is to help you recharge your batteries. Looking after No 1 is NOT a sin, but a necessity.

 

[hazytron]

Hi Sheila, so sorry you have had to find us, and welcome to TP, but I hope you, like myself, will benefit from all the support you will receive from the wonderful understanding folk in this forum.

Please try and think of yourself as still caring for your husband, in every way that you always have, only from now on, you are not alone, your caring is simply being done in a different way.

Keep posting
Hazel

 

[Carer1]

Hello Sheila and welcome to TP. I too agree with Sheila's reply. Please don't beat yourself up. I had to make the decision of putting my dad in a nursing home after being his carer for 18months. He died a month ago but I know I did the right thing and gave him a secure and supported environment where they could nurse him better than I due to their expertise.

Please keep coming back and you will I'm sure have a lot of support through TP.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

regards