I'm at my wits end!

[DMWalker]

Thanks Sylvia for the advice. He is back to his usual state now.

The SW asked me to take him today because they want to see him before he goes in for the week on Friday.

I wish I hadn't said anything to him when he asked this morning, hopefully by 10am I can just get him in the car and go without any questions.

Love Dee

 

[Grannie G]

Good Luck Dee.
It would have been good if the SW had offered to accompany you or even meet you there.

 

[Helen33]

Morning Dee,

I hope that it all goes well this morning. At least you'll better know how to handle Dave with regard to respite because of this experience! It is better that it happened now rather than Friday when he begins respite properly so to speak.

Love and best wishes

 

[Christin]

We have this reaction from FIL, not going anywhere. After two unsuccessful respite, we arranged our own. My husband visited the last CH in advance and we didn't tell FIL he was booked in until the actual day. We felt it would only distress him and us. I was so worried we wouldn't actually get him to the CH for respite. On the day he went like a little lamb, no resistance at all. There is a great factsheet about respite with lots of tips on how to make it easier and run more smoothly.

As for the home seeing your husband, the CH we chose sent a senior member of staff to us! And she only said she had come to see how he was getting along, she sat and chatted to him for sometime and, on our request, did not mention the word respite. I have been told that care should be personalised to the individual.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=140



I remember these feelings oh so well.

Very best wishes and good luck to you x

 

[DMWalker]

I would have appreciated SW helping out too but because it has been rushed I don't think it could be arranged. I asked for respite weeks ago at the same time as a request for a day centre. On Tuesday this week after a very trying morning I rang the SW, she was waiting for me to ask for dates! I reminded her that I had asked for 23/10 so I could spend time seeing my grandchildren during the school holidays, then she remembered!

He's still very agitated, I will try and take him, I don't know how I will cope if he refuses to stay.

I am going to ring his cpn now and see her views on it.

Love Dee

 

[Grannie G]

Good luck Dee. Don`t hold back from asking for help.

 

[Christin]

Dear Dee, I would phone the CH before you leave and explain how things are to them. They really should take on board what you are saying, we were told its not at all unusual and that they would help and they did! If they are not prepared to help you at this stage then maybe its not the right place.

We have learnt the hard way. The last respite CH we used were absolutely brilliant and if I could name them as a recommendation I would! They made a real effort to welcome FIL when he arrived and he responded so positively to that. Thinking of this morning. xx

 

[Jo1958]

Dee, hi
You have my sincere sympathy, I remember very well trying to calm my father down and get him to accept respite, he was so angry and hurt and confused and felt so rejected that he was being sent away. I travelled up to visit for the day, couldn't leave hubby for longer as he has dementia.

He loved the respite but couldn't deal with the anticipation of it, time was gone for him and it did so confuse him, so it was much better to just go and take him without any build up.

I hope the visit is going well and by Friday you are all packed and ready to deliver him and have some special time for yourself and your grandchildren.
Best wishes, Jo

 

[Bronwen]

Hi Dee..I do hope the visit goes well for you both today..it is just another worry and problem to overcome, but do keep asking for help. There seems always to be a reason why something hasn't happened or been organised and I find "they" say they were waiting fr me to confirm or someone is on leave...I get so frustrated with the admin side of this.

I do hope you have a lovely half term with you grandchildren.

love
Bronwen x

 

[DMWalker]

Well that didn't go at all well. He was uncooperative, bad tempered and refused to stay. The staff were very nice although I must say the place was quite uninviting with elderly people sat dozing in the dining room area where we sat and answered questions, the member of staff trying her best to put Dave at ease and get a response from him.

I had to bring him home with me, he complained throughout the half hour journey saying he was never going back to that place.

They want him back for the day on Friday before he should go in for respite on Saturday.

I rang the SW, she wished me good luck for Friday!

I just can't see this happening.

Love Dee

 

[Christin]

I am sorry, the atmosphere you have described is similar to the first one we tried. FIL behaved so badly there they would not have again and to this day I don't know if he did what he did on purpose or not.

I am so sorry. All I can say is don't give up. Friday may be fine and you may be surprised. If not, there is more than one CH and I hope you get the chance to look around and find the right one for your husband and yourself. Take care of yourself! xx

 

[Jo1958]

Oh Dee,
Well how much do you need a break.
How long are you going to be able to keep going if you don't get a break.
What will happen if your health gets bad and you can't care for Dave.
Is it vital that Dave is happy and get's his way 100% of the time.
If you don't insist, I find the word 'tough' comes in very handy, then the dementia has won and you are both at risk.

Sorry about this post but I find it very difficult to get my head around rights and responsibilities when dementia comes into the equation.

I hope the sun is shining there for you today and you can have a good afternoon re-assuring Dave that you love and care for him but....
Kind regards, Jo

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Dee

I would get back to the SW and ask if there is alternative provision . If not I would ask for help on Friday from the SW or CPN. You are not getting the support you need.
As Jo said, it`s tough , but you too have rights and the right to some respite is one of them.

I know how difficult it is to be assertive and ask for help, especially when your spirits are low and you are vulnerable. But with some people you need to make a bit of a noise, otherwise they don`t hear.

I`m really sorry it didn`t work out today, but do not lose hope. You`ll get there eventually and once the wheels are set in motion they will continue to turn.

Love xx

 

[sad nell]

Dee sorry today did not go well, but stick with it, Trev ran away from many a day centre , very nice new place lovely staff, but he was having non of it If you can take him and leave shortly after, hard as it sounds it always worked best for us like taking a child to nursery first time, dont mean that to sound disrespectful to your husband, You need this respite so you can continue to care for him,Hope Friday is more positive for you. love Pam