Not sure what to do re my parents ...

thesmiths

Registered User
Sep 23, 2010
21
0
Hello all, really glad I found this forum!

The situation is:

My mum had a brain haemorrhage 7 years ago which left her with no short term memory and she needs 24 hour supervision, which is provided by my dad. She is mobile but needs prompting with everything. However, at the beginning of August my dad had a mini stroke. They both came to recuperate with us for 3 weeks after he left hospital (I had to go down to stay with mum while he was in to look after her - we are 5 hours away). They went home at the beginning of September and Dad seemed okay, he wasn't affected physically by the stroke, just mentally. He was a bit confused about dates etc but apart from that he seemed fine.

A few weeks on and he is getting much worse in his memory and behaviour. Before the stroke his memory was going a bit but now it seems absolutely awful. They live in a retirement flat and the managers are really good and let me know if there are any problems but I am worried about them - I think due to dad's problems that their standard of personal care is probably slipping. My mum is not quite incontinent but needs to go "right away" and whereas dad used to make sure she went to the toilet before they went out, I think he isn't doing that now which leds to obvious problems when they are out.

Some of his behaviour has been:

- He doesn't remember his parents have died (between 30 and 40 years ago) - he thinks his dad was having dinner with them the other night and then went missing, he said that he needed to go out and look for him in the evening.
- He thinks that there was also a 3rd daughter at the same dinner (there are only 2 daughters)
- He has problems remembering where he lives, doesn't remember moving there or how long they've lived there
- he thought they were on holiday in the flat they own, not living there
- he didn't remember his wedding anniversary
- the other morning told me that the previous day they had gone to stay somewhere (he couldn't remember where) and then had to get up at 4.00am to pack and come home again. I don't think they actually went anywhere
- he is very stubborn. He does seem to know his memory is bad, but when I tell him his parents have died/no 3rd daughter etc he won't believe me.
- cant remember his PIN number for card - keeps getting numbers muddled up - problem when trying to get money out/paying for shopping

I am not sure what to do next. I could try and arrange some help for them a few hours a day but they have financial assets so would have to pay for it themselves, which I am not sure dad would agree to (either having the help, or having to pay for it). The other option is going into a home - which they would also have to pay for, with the same problem as above.

Not really sure of the next step .... can anyone help please?

Thank you.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
The first step I would take would be to make an appointment for yourself, with your parents` GP. Voice your concerns and ask for advice.

Many GPs insist their hands are tied unless the `patients` contact the GP themselves.
Being `at risk` is the term which will usually make things move. Do you consider your parents are `at risk`? If so, that is what you say to the GP.

I have to say no one can make your parents do anything they don`t want to do unless a decision is made in their `Best Interests`. But that is when the situation is so bad it is taken out of their hands.

Sadly it is likely you will have to witness life becoming even more complex for your parents than it now is, but if you set wheels in motion to get them into the system you will have made a start.

Please let us know how you get on. Use talking Point as a support system for yourself, as I`m sure you will need it in the coming months and there is a lot of help for you here.
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
I agree with Grannie G, contact the GP and make your thoughts known. My husband started to attend all FIL's appointments with him, partly because FIL couldn't remember what anyone had said to him. Perhaps you could ask the GP to call at home and see them? I think you will have to stress how worried you are.

best wishes x
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
0
Dorset
Hallo, and welcome to Talking Point.

I was so sorry to read what is happening with your mum and dad. I have to say that, reading through your list of points relating to your dad, I could have written it word for word about my husband the year before last. He had a major stroke in December 2007, left hospital in February '08, seemed to be improving but then got much worse - and was finally diagnosed with vascular dementia in February '09. All the stuff relating to the house they live in, extra people at a gathering, parents still alive, confusion with credit card PINs AND even the stubbornness, I have experienced with Brian.

Do try and get both your parents to their GP and even make a list of your concerns beforehand and send it to the surgery a day ahead of the appointment if you can. It seems terribly unkind to talk in front of them of their shortcomings so the list/letter will do that part for you. I did a list like that for the Consultant at a recent Memory Clinic appointment for Brian, and he said he had found it extremely helpful. (I had sent it with a rather apologetic little note of explanation.)

The GP should put your parents "into the system" and they should then be offered far more help. And you may find yourself having to impress on your dad just how vital this is going to be as the months go by.

Do make that first all-important appointment and go with them to keep it. And please post again to let us know how things go on.

Love, Nan XXX
 

thesmiths

Registered User
Sep 23, 2010
21
0
Thank you so much for all your replies. I have tried to call his GP this afternoon but there is an answerphone message saying it is closed, so will try again tomorrow.

I won't be able to attend the appointment with them unfortunately - firstly, they live in Devon and we live in Pembrokeshire, but quite apart from the 5 hour drive that separates us, I am due to give birth in around 3 weeks and have complications too, so travelling at this point is not really an option. However, I can do a list of points to send to the GP for their appointment.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
What a worry for you, especially living so far away.

However, I can do a list of points to send to the GP for their appointment.

That`s a good starting point. At least the GP will know how it really is. your parents might be afraid of intervention so could possibly do a good cover up job, making out all is well.

Please let us know how they get on and Good Luck for the birth of your baby.
 

thesmiths

Registered User
Sep 23, 2010
21
0
His GP has actually just called me as they had an appointment this morning for mum's cough and he said he was worried about dad's memory, so called me to chat about it. He is going to refer them to social services to get an assessment. At least someone else has noticed and is able to take action!
 

Jo1958

Registered User
Mar 31, 2010
3,724
0
Yorkshire
Oh how wonderful, I'm so pleased for you that it's been taken out of your hands, now they should both get the help and support they need and you can relax.
I hope that all goes well with your pregnancy and there's happy news for all the family again soon.
Kind regards, Jo
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
0
Dorset
Oh, well done, your parents' GP.
What a relief for you.
Now you must concentrate as much as possible on looking after you and the forthcoming baby. Obviously you won't be making five hour drives for some time yet ...
Do take good care of yourself, and relax knowing that your parents' GP is willing to chat with you about them. (That doesn't always happen.)

Love, Nan XXX
 

thesmiths

Registered User
Sep 23, 2010
21
0
An update: Still not heard from social services about an assessment so will chase the doctor on Monday. However, Dad seems to be getting rapidly worse. Before, he was just bad in the evenings when he was tired, but he is now bad first thing in the morning too, with tales of his parents living in the same block of flats he does, them supposed to be coming to dinner, but then disappearing and he can't find them (they died 30-40 years ago), knocking on other people's flats trying to find them; saying that he and Mum have been living somewhere else for the last few weeks although it is almost identical to where they actually live, but it isn't there. He doesn't seem to be able to remember any information I give him. He thinks he is always right in what he remembers etc and that I and anyone are wrong. He seems to be almost living in some sort of alternate universe to be honest.
My sister and I (along with the managers at his block of flats) are now concerned that as the carer for my Mum, he is not really managing to care for her properly, as he can't seem to remember to take medication, and what medication my Mum has been given, he seems to think is for both of them etc, and that, along with his constant confused state of mind, leads us to believe that we think they would be better off in a residential home rather than having to look after themselves.