Worried about Dad now

[Rooby]

Hi guys

This is my first time on here and feel the need to express my feelings being worried about Dad

Mam has had Alzhiemers for 6 years now and good old Dad has had one hell of a shock to his world when he became a full time carer after retireing at 65.

He is one proud Dad and will not ask for help.

I have sorted out respite for him 2 days a week, sorted extra money for him as the carer, sorted their house issues, got him a social worker and made sure he gets time away when I look after her.

He asked for none of the above !

All I get is "I am fine". HE CLEARLY IS NOT !

The basic hygiene for both of them has gone downhill, they are recently on a holiday abroad when she lashed out and he was so shaken by this. I am still awaiting a call to see if the spanish hosiptal are releasing her as they have not come home yet. They were due home 14/9

I am there so much for them but feel I nag Dad when he does not help himself to help me. I am at a loss what to do for someone who is clearly not coping but will not address this.

I am unsure who I feel sorry for the most, Mam or Dad

Anyone else have this experience.

Rooby x

 

[3littlepigs]

Not sure what to say but thought you would feel better knowing someone has read your message. As roles change in life it becomes hard knowing how you 'should' be. May be a sharp word may go in?

 

[lin1]

HELLO

Sometime all you can do is keep chipping away, you have achieved a lot.

awful tho it is, maybe now this has happened, your dad will realise he needs more help and support and yes I agree if you have to a sharp word.

maybe one reason was that dad was burying his head in the sand, you know trying to pretend all was ok.

You must be so worried,

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Rooby

Let`s hope this incident in Spain will make your dad realize he now needs help.

He might have been trying to protect both your mother and you. he might be frightened she will be taken away. There are lots of reasons why he has been shutting you out.

I hope they get home safely and once your dad has recovered from his ordeal he should be prepared to accept more help.

 

[Rooby]

Thank you for all your support it is so much appreciated.

I have still heard nothing from Dad in Spain. I am going nuts. He does not have a mobile (too old fashioned for high tech equipment) and I cannot find out which hospital she is in, or where they are staying. This is madness.

I do believe this will be one huge wake up call for Dad hopefully.

I have spoken to the social workers and demanded a visit for us all to thrash things out and get him to open up to them for help.

Fingers crossed

x

 

[Grannie G]

Are your mum and dad travelling with a holiday company Rooby? Perhaps they will help with information. If they are travelling independently maybe the Police can help.

 

[Rooby]

Dad has booked via Teletext and I cannot find any paperwork leading me to their whereabouts. I have thought about the police but feel silly as Dad is a grown man who should be keeping me posted. My mind is racing as he did have a minor stroke in the early days of Mam's illness due to stress.

Easy Jet will not tell me if they are on todays flight because of customer confidentiality.

I cannot find hospital numbers in Benidorm

I am hitting brick walls all the time

x

 

[PamD]

It might be worth contacting the local British Consulate.

The Madrid Embassy website says "We aim to contact British nationals within 24 hours of being told they have been admitted to hospital."

http://ukinspain.fco.gov.uk/en/help-for-british-nationals/when-things-go-wrong/ill-or-injured

Benidorm is in Alicante province, covered by the Consul there:
http://ukinspain.fco.gov.uk/en/about-us/other-locations/alicante-consulate/contact-us has contact info including phone number of Tel: (+34) 96 521 60 22 and email of Alicante.Consulate@fco.gov.uk

Note that they close at 1.30pm (is there a time difference? might equal 12.30?), so ring in a morning.

Hope that helps in this worrying situation.

Pam

 

[Rooby]

Thank you so much

I have rang them and they are doing their best to search the hospitals to try and find them

x

 

[PamD]

I wonder what progress you're making? Hope all is OK. Pam

 

[Willowgill]

Gosh Rooby what a frightening situation - I hope you've heard something by now and that they are ok. It sounds as though you have done everything you can for them at home for the time being - would it be possible to speak to the social worker and ask if your mum would be eligible for a carer to go in a couple of times a week to help with housework - that was how I started the ball rolling with my parents. Once this was established I gradually increased the help, although my parents were a lot older than yours sound to be they were very stubborn and said they didn't need help.

 

[piedwarbler]

Thinking of you Rooby and hope you are getting somewhere x

 

[Fenners]

Hi Rooby,

Just caught up with yr thread, really frightening situation for you to be in, I hope you have heard something and that they are on their way home.

My dad fiercly protected my Mum, just wouldnt admit anything was wrong, he wouldnt even admit to me, his only daughter,how bad things were getting, I realised and just kept chipping away at him, he just wanted to protect us all from what was happening, bless him. He eventually had to admit defeat, after their 50th wedding anniversary celebrations in Benidorm when I was there and first hand witnessed Mums strange behaviour.

My lovely Dad died last year, and I am now Mums carer, Mum has gone downhill very fast and in one way im glad Dad isnt here to see it all and have to go through it. Your lovely Dad sounds pretty much like mine was, very proud and protective.

All you can do really is exactly what you are doing already - be there for them both and support them through this awful and very frightening illness, hopefully now your Dad will realise he needs some help - wishing them a safe journey home and sending you all lots and lots of love and hugs. Thinking of you.

TP is brilliant, keep posting and you will get lots of support, its what keeps me going.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx p.s. Please let us know they are ok. xxxx

 

[shauna]

Hi Rooby,
Im so sorry to hear of all your troubles. I hope you get your patents home very soon . I just cant imagine what you are going through. Im sending you a bis hug,
Take care
Shauna

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Rooby,
I'm sorry to hear of all the trouble you've been having. I hope the Consulate will be able to get information to you. Were you thinking of going over once you find out where they are?

I hope you get some information soon, from your dad or whoever. Keep us posted.

 

[Rooby]

Thank you for all your support.

Mam and Dad finally came back Thursday after missing Tuesday and Wednesdays flight. Dad was in a right mess through worry thinking he was not coming back.

Mum had a bad turn after 5 good days abroad. She has never ever been like this in her 6 years of Alzheimers. She decided she would wake up on the 6th day and hate Dad. Did not want to get dressed, eat, get out of bed so Dad called the Doctor. She attacked Dad, doctor then the ambulance people when they took her to hospital. I hate to say that all they did was strap her in the bed and drug her. WHAT A DISGRACE AS THEY COULD NOT DEAL WITH ALZHEIMERS !!!!

They finally came back and I was there to take control. I spoke to social services who asked me to get her checked out for infection at the hospital. All was clear. They wanted to keep her in but the ward was not secure or equiped to deal with her so I brought her home. She was by this stage calm, laughing, joking with the doctors so all was well. (So I thought)

My husband Steve and I stayed with them until bedtime and she was great until I tried to get her dressed for bed. What a nightmare. She was horrible but I knew this was not mam so coped ok. Dad was in a state again watching this so I got her into bed and said I was ringing social services in the morning for their advice.

They came and suggested respite for Dad in the morning for 2 weeks and we both agreed, mainly for Dad as she had not ate for 3days abroad and he was not able to care for her needs.

She is now in a home and they are having good days and bad days with her. She thinks people are poisining her and refuses her medicine and sometimes will not eat, but, they can care for her better I believe than a stressful husband.

Dad is sad, misses her and for the first time in his life last Friday stayed in the house by himself. They have been married for 49 years.

I am now worrying about how Mam is being looked after and worried about Dad and his grief. I feel sad, happier she has proper care as Dad could not cope with basic hygiene for Mum, feel strange actually.

Dad believes she has gone for good and he will not get her back now but in some ways I am not sure he can cope anyway.

What a mess

x

 

[Grannie G]

It is a mess Rooby and I`m so sorry.

The whole thing is a mess as we have no control when a crisis will strike and it was a crisis which brought you all to this point.

I do hope things will calm down, that your mother will settle and your father will once again be able to have some quality time with her.

It happened to me. My husband would go walkabout at all times of the day and night. He didn`t know who I was and went looking for his real family and real wife. We, like your parents have been married over 45 years.

He had to go into residential care for his own safety .

Now he is settled and more contented than he has been for a long time. My visits are good. He is always pleased to see me and I can give him all the attention he needs because I`m in a much better emotional and physical state of health.


I hope this happens for your father too. xx

 

[Rooby]

Well here I am again worried sick

Went to see Mam at home for the first time since her incident (we had to let her settle for 2 days) and got the shock of my life at her deteriation.

She has in 10 days developed a hunchback and her eyes are so dialated you can hardly see her pupils. Is this all normal?

I have requested for a doctor to see her as I cannot believe the change in her is just Alzheimers. I believe there is an underlying problem that we just cant work out.

Anyone else see these symptoms and am I worrying for nothing?

Help

x

 

[sistermillicent]

Dear Rooby,

I have only just seen this thread, I first of all thought oh yes I have had a similar experience with a dad who won't accept or acknowledge that he needs help.

However, things seem to have got so bad for you and developed at such a pace that my experience is not really enough to help you.

I think the changes in your mum are worrying, and you are quite right to get the GP to see her, I am sure you would like to be there too so that you can hear at first hand what the dr says.
I hope she is seen urgently as it sounds as if things are going down fast. Are you sure she has been tested properly for infections, not just a quick dipstick urine test? It is worth checking what tests were done, and asking for them to be repeated.

It is heartbreaking that people who have got to this old age have to start doing things they feel ill equipped to cope with and don't get to enjoy a happy retirement they richly deserve.

You must have had a truly dreadful week, take care,


love

 

[Rooby]

Nightmare week, I feel emotionally wrecked and at the point of tears all day.

I am being strong for Dad and keeping his chin up as best I can but am struggling myself.

I have now been told that if she needs to be permanent at the home they may not have a place at the end of her respite and may have to move her again. I will go nuts with this as the place is nice and I do not want to have the worry of looking at another place and worrying all over again. Surely it cant be good for mam if they move her again.

I never ever believed this would be so hard as I knew this day would come but I did not expect Dad to be so lonely and miserable knowing we have done the right thing. I have done whats best for them both but made him so sad in the process.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH THIS HORRIBLE NASTY DISEASE !!!

x