I am so angry

[Care Bear]

My sister took my mum away for four days to give me a break. While she was away she sent me texts saying mum was great. I could just hear her saying that I'm over reacting to mum's condition!

She brought mum back today. She didn't shower her while she was away. She left me instructions of how to look after mum (tips on her diet and the importance of walking her a few times a day) and she went back home. I'll probably not see her now until Christmas.

The annoying thing is mum's memory seems great today. She noticed straight away that I had cleared out some of the stuff (junk) from her living room and she was able to tell me what she had to eat when they went out for a meal.

Have I been doing things wrong all this time? Should I take mum out for a walk every day (I don't do this when she tells me her hip is too sore). I feel that what I've been doing up to now, the general boring day to day stuff is not enough. Mum obviously needs more. I feel like such a failure.

Amy

 

[lin1]

your most definatrly NOT a failure,

Caring for a person occasionaly for a few days,is totally different from what you do day in day out!

the stress levels are far less, you know its only for x amount of time, then your free again.

its so easy for someone to say "do this do that" the reality is different, when your faced with the daily grind, im not denying that it would do your mum good to b taken out, but if mums hip is too sore not a good idea.

take any good suggestions from your sis, as trying to be helpful,
those that are not suitable, take them as being given with a lack of understanding and knowledge of the probs and issues you and your mum face daily xxx

 

[Izzy]

I agree with Lin. Caring for a short time is nit the same as what you do day in and day out. Take care. xx

 

[Grannie G]

Good morning Care Bear

No one can compare a few days caring to 24/7 full time caring so please don`t let your sister make you feel you have been doing anything wrong.

Do you have any imput from Social Services [SS] for your mother? I was wondering if it would help to have someone take your mother out for a walk a couple of times a week to give you a break. Perhaps Crossroads or whatever your local SS provides. It would do no harm to ask.

 

[BeckyJan]

I am so sorry your sister has left you feeling this way. Most of us know that dementia sufferers can 'put on their best' for others than their immediate carer.

As Grannie G has suggested maybe this is your opportunity to seek help from SS, Crossroads, Admiral Nurses, Help the Aged. Thinking long term, it will be great if your Mum continues to accept help from others.

Did you think to suggest to your sister, that as it worked so well, why does she not take your Mother for longer periods - say one month on, one month off

 

[Goingitalone]

Oh, Care Bear,

How I can relate to what you are saying! My situation is similar and I can't put it any better than what has been said alreaady. My Mum always seems more animated with my sibs who see her much less often. But of course she would be, it's a rare treat to see them and it bucks her up no end! Just like in a family where Mum has the kids all day and they go wild when Daddy comes home, cause Mum has had all the discipline to do and the housework etc to fit in but Daddy is that nice man who plays with them and lets them get away with murder! I'm not explaining well, but I hope you know what I mean.

YOU have the day to day care of your Mum to do. YOU are at the coal face. YOU deserve some 'me' time. If you can get some input from SS go for it.

But YOU are doing nothing wrong! You are a caring daughter who wants the best for her Mum. Don't let the rellies who aren't at the coal face take away your confidence.

You're a STAR!!!

hugs,

Maggie

 

[kittypurry]

We find that too--the putting on best for outsiders and the veiled critisism from family ( oh- they were great today) -
you're not alone. And sure you're doing a great job. xx

 

[thatwoman]

Care Bear, don't let your sister get to you! I know exactly how you feel because my husband and I lived with MIL for 3 years, 24/7, and then my SIL would come in for a couple of hours and tell us we should be doing this or we should be trying that. I was so angry, but she was never there when we needed anything. When my husband had a heart attack I ended up getting friends and, on one occasion my boss from work, to sit with MIL so I could visit him in hospital. SIL doesn't drive and it would be an hour's train journey, so how could I expect her to do anything!!! Funnily enough, since MIL died she has been over every weekend getting the house ready for sale. And she told me she would be getting legal advice about getting me out of the house if I hadn't moved all my stuff within a month. This at a time when we were being told that my Dad was unlikely to survive the week. I haven't spoken to her since then, nor am I ever likely to. I put up with her criticism and generally holier than thou attitude while I had to, but the bitterness will never leave me.
Sorry for that little outburst, as you see I'm still furious. Your sister will never know the sheer exhaustion of looking after someone every day while you're trying to do everything. I've just been to stay with my grandchildren, and spoiled them rotten! But I wasn't having to worry about doing the washing, cooking meals on time or having battles about bathtime, so I had it easy. I know that it's not like that in real life, where everything has to be done to time so you can get to nursery, bed on time, out to work. I have the luxury of being the favourite grandma because I don't do it very often.
You're doing a great job, and it wouldn't hurt your sister to recognise that. Maybe she feels guilty and has to make you feel the same way? Just a thought. I'd tell her how you feel, and if it doesn't make any difference, I'd just ignore her comments. But this is not something I ever managed, so probably not good advice!
Hope you're feeling better today. You can always come on here and share your feelings with people who know how you feel!
Love and hugs, Sue xxx

 

[piedwarbler]

Huge hugs thatwoman for what you have been through.

I sympathise too. I don't think your sister could maintain the pace of what she was doing 24/7 for more than a few days. It would wear anyone out.

Don't give it any more brain space, that's my advice.


x

 

[Tender Face]

Hello Amy/Care Bear ....

Just to offer support and say this is one thing infuriated me most when I was caring for mum. “Well, she was alright with me” GGGGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrr – yes a few hours – not even a few days ..... not living with the ins and outs and all abouts .... and suddenly someone else is an ‘expert’ on what you should/shouldn’t be doing?

It’s all well and good people giving you ‘instructions’ – when they know nothing of the reality ..... have faith in yourself .... I think a lot of ‘caring’ comes from instinct ..... those who ‘dip in’ from afar and show up once every blue moon clearly don’t have it ....... or prefer not to exercise it ....

I know that anger – but I know my conscience was always clear about what I DID do that few other people (many of them on TP) would perhaps ever have realised...... Stand tall, stay proud .... sure, harness help and advice and support for mum and for yourself ..... but not from negative forces.

Take care, love, Karen, x

 

[kittypurry]

Maybe outside family like to think it is better than it really is to relieve any guilt they feel...

Best wishesx

 

[scared daughter]

I have to agree here, I have noticed when my mum is at her friends house at the seaside she is much much better BUT rather than move her as I was tempted I soon realised its becasue she is on "holiday" mode where she is behaving herself (sorry if thats too blunt) and she is spending time catching up on old times which is much easier with AD than talking about this morning.

It is nice to go out walking and I am sure your mum gets out with you BUT you do it 24/7 and I think while its nice to get your mum out and about it shouldn't become another one of your list of chores that must be done.

You are not a failure, you are a rock ((((hugs)))

 

[Care Bear]

Thanks for all the posts, I really needed to hear that I'm doing the right thing. It really does mean a lot to me. I probably over reacted to her comments because she has a talent of winding me up. I feel I have support here and I can't thank you all enough. I don't know what I would do without you all.

Thanks

Amy