Where is my mum ???

[Fenners]

Sorry, its late, im feeling so alone and so frightened, im exhausted but my mind wont switch off.

Wheres my Mum, the lovely, beautiful, kind and caring best friend i had ?? where has she gone ? why cant i remember her as she was, all i can see is whats here now, infront of me and its not nice.

Mum has been dreadful again today, especially tonight, the same old thing, night after night after night, this isn't our house, who will be coming in after we go, where shall we sleep, are the beds made up, what are the rooms like, wheres the bathroom........ wheres Harry (my dad who died last year) so then i take her upstairs, show her all the familiar things,her photographs, it settles her for a short while, then it starts all over again.

Tonight, she got angry and very agitated, she wouldnt be pacified, she went up the stairs, came down, went up, came down, i lost count of how many times, i took her up to bed, usually she gets her nightdress on and gets into bed herself, i go up and check on her, kiss her goodnight, tonight she was gone, had let herself out of the front door, luckily she hadnt got very far, just into the close where we live, my husband and i went to get her back indoors and Mum punched my throat and poked my face, she was furious, my husband told her to get inside and get to bed which she did fully clothed, he asked her why she had hit me and she said " i wanted to shut her mouth up" all i had said was come inside now mum.

Im devestated, i will phone her CPN in the morning, yet again, and no doubt she will suggest tweaking her medication yet again and to wait for the nurologist appointment on the 17th and for our respite on the 24th - the usual answer to my cry for help.

I just want the mum i used to have thats all. I want to remember her laughing and all the good things we used to share together - why oh why cant i remember those times.

Am i doing something wrong to make her behave this way ??

i really am trying my best, but its getting so hard.

so sorry, just needed to talk and everyone is fast asleep - i wish i was.

 

[jenniferpa]

First off: no, you're not doing anything wrong, it's this damn disease that has taken her over. Secondly, and this is not exactly something to look forward to, but my personal experience is that when things come to their natural conclusion you will remember her more and more as she was really, and these last few years will fade away.

So you will remember those good times. It may even be sooner rather than later - these things do tend to go in cycles and she may well calm down enough for those memories to come flooding back.

Can I suggest - no chance she has a UTI, other infection or constipation? I'm thinking of putting it in my signature to tell the truth because if aggression comes out of the blue, one of these are so often the cause.

Take care

 

[lin1]

sending you


No your not doing anthing wrong.
if I remember right you have already had mum checked for infection, but may b worth doing so again.

 

[Izzy]

Oh Fenners how distressing for you. I hope you 're managing to get some sleep. Izzy x

 

[Helen33]

Dear Fenners,

I read your thread and I could really feel for you. I used to become very anxious when I saw the first signs of sundowning on Alan. I never knew what would calm and comfort him. If I used words to try to reassure him, he became more agitated In our case I found that there were several things that helped but it wasn't a magic formula by any means. Having the tv and radio off, going for a gentle walk, handing him a stuffed toy dog or monkey. Having the lights on rather than my usual lamplight. I am not saying that your situation is anything like ours but it is my way of reaching out to you for just in case

Sending love and a (HUG)

 

[sallyc]

Oh Fenners. I really feel for you. Sorry i don't have any advice, just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending a hug.

 

[Beezed]

So sorry Fenners. I know it is the disease talking but it doesn't make it any easier does it.

I too find it hard to remember the 'old' mum, but I know I will one day. You are doing a fantastic job.

Love,
Jeanne

 

[thatwoman]

Morning, Fenners! I hope you managed to get some rest last night. I know how distressing this is. We had this aggression with my Dad all last year, and it was very hard to deal with. I used to dread every day to be honest, and I certainly couldn't remember the man I loved and respected. Now he is the person I remember again, because I don't have to deal with his outbursts. He's been in his nursing home since March, and he does sometimes ask to go home, but not as often as he did when he was at home! I think having so much else going on seems to distract him from the way he used to get stuck into the same conversations time and time again. And just the different staff coming in can make a difference.
I hope your CPN is better than mine was: chocolate teapot is a phrase that comes to mind with regard to help at times of crisis! The most constructive thing she ever said to me was to phone the police if Dad hit me again, and there was no way I could have done that to him. I was lucky because the decision to put Dad into the Nursing Home was taken out of my hands, but I can honestly say it was the right thing for me and, more importantly, for Dad. So if it does come to that, don't regard it as a failure, because in my case, and quite a few others, it has been the best and safest thing to do. It has also given me the chance to see glimpses of the old dad, and now I can remember how he used to be. It really isn't possible to do that when you're living with them everyday and trying to keep them and you safe.
I hope today is a more peaceful day,
love Sue xxx

 

[Norrms]

Hiya

Hiya Fenners, all i can say is what the others have in hoping you managed to get some sleep and i pray you and all your family have a better day today, all my best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[florence43]

Morning Fenners,

I'm so sorry. It sounds like your family are having a terrible time lately. I'm afraid I can relate to so many things you're going through or have been through, but this...I can't. My mum has never been aggressive, just sad and like a little girl. Both are very hard to witness.

I can't offer any advice but I do have two very long, very comforting, very squeezy arms that I'm sending your way. They will hug you while you have a little toot, and when the tears have gone, they will give you the biggest "high five" for doing such an amazing job with you lovely mum.

Hope today is a better one,

Sending a lot of love (in the same package as my arms...),

 

[kittypurry]

sending thoughtsx
I get mad /upset enough when MIL is angry at me for no reason so can't imagine it ten fold with own mother.xx
Hard to remember its not them but an illness. Really hard to remember thatx

 

[morrisons2006]

Afternoon Fenners

I can relate with you with just about everything you have said. It is a very difficult situation and so upsetting!! I wish I could remember my mum we too had a fantastic relationship and I miss that so much. I sit and cry many times thinking about what we were like together, but it will not change the situation. Mum is sometimes aggressive and it is very hard to understand her. I hate this disease!!!!

Best wishes
xxxx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Fenners,

Have just found your thread. Clearly yesterday was an exhausting day, looking after your mum, and the incident out in the road must have been like the last straw, when all you were doing was trying to persuade her back into the house. So distressing for you.

I am dealing with abuse and aggression from my husband so I know just how you are feeling. Sometimes the feeling of sadness and loss are just overwhelming, aren't they.

But then there is a lull and hopefully you can re-charge your batteries a bit and you carry on. I do hope that to-day has been a better day for you. If not, you should be logging somewhere a little reminder of what is happening so you can get an idea of the overall picture. Perhaps you do this already.

Thinking of you and sending love, Nan XXX

 

[turbo]

Hello Fenners, you sound worn out, which is hardly surprising. I hope your CPN will realise how difficult things are for you and offer practical help.

Turbo

 

[Fenners]

Thank you all

Just wanted to thank you all for your replies, i have felt so poorly today, and it was nice to log on and see them. Mum so far has been quiet, although i am almost holding my breath incase she "starts" .......... oh actually hold on ........ she just has !!!! the same old thing again, oh no HELP

At the moment she is just asking the questions, not cross, aggressive or agitated but then its early yet

Thank you all - i have a feeling its going to be a long night..... yet again, she has no idea at this moment who i am, who my children are, where she is, the usual. How very sad.

Oh and by the way no infections again to explain the behaviour, i think it would make it easier if there was a UTI or something.

This is really hell. I cant believe she has started again.

 

[turbo]

Hello Fenners, did you manage to speak to the CPN and did she have any practical suggestions.? This must be so difficult for you.


Turbo

 

[Izzy]

Keeping my fingers crossed for a peaceful night for you. My mum's GP gave me a prescription for Diazapam for when mum is really agitated with sundowning. I only use it when things are extreme but I think it does calm her down. Izzy x

 

[CaPattinson]

Thinking of you Fenners

You are in my heart View attachment heart1.bmpXXXX

 

[larivy]

hi fenners just been catching up sorry to read the bad night you had last night hope tonight goes better
mum drives me mad asking when we are going home you think you've made them understand then 5 minutes later they are asking the same questions we stayed in a hotel last night and mum did not ask once to go home mind you we were across the road from tes--
i really hope you manage to get help love larivy