One extreme to another
Hi everyone
Please ignore the last message i sent, i really don't know whats wrong with me, i seem to be swinging from one extreme to another at the moment. I was just feeling so angry at everyone, but most of all myself.
I have had a meal and a few hours sleep and i feel like a different person.
The last few days have been very difficult and I could not really tell the full story as there was not time, but here goes:
The consultant called us in on thursday and went through the conversation that we have been through so many times before, and i know i should be used to it, but i'm not. It still hurts just as much every time i hear it.........."I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but he has taken a turn for the worse, he is not responding to the antibiotics and as you know, he is not a candidate for intensive care. We believe he will die either tonight or sometime tomorrow (Friday)"
however they did say that they would not withdraw treatment as they wished to make him as comfortable as possible to reduce any suffering or distress.
I pointed out that we had been down this road so many times before and he had proved them wrong. They said it was different this time as previously he had help from the life support machines and this time he does not. They then said they were sure he would not survive the weekend and under the circumstances they would make arrangements to move him into a private cubicle for privacy.
They then informed us that staff had been informed that resuscitation would not be attempted under any circumstances.
As things stand at the moment he is still alive, his temperature has been stable for 36 hours and tonight he has opened his eyes a few times, only for a few seconds, but considering that he has been unconscious for days without sedation, it has got to be a good sign. Don't get me wrong, i know he is still very, very ill, but i somehow feel hopeful.
Last night his nurse said the consultant wants to see me on monday and my first though was that it will be about palliative care, i'm not sure which way it will go now but i still feel nervous about it.
I still believe that he will let go when he is ready and until then i just have to be there for him. I know he is not out of the woods yet and i know it can still go either way. I also know that a lot of people might think i'm being cruel by hoping he lives through this, but i can't wish him dead whatever happens.
If they withdraw treatment, i would feel as though i was playing a part in killing him.
If things did go the wrong way, the one thing i would miss is talking to you all, (even though its virtual) as you are all such lovely people, i've only just discovered you all a couple of months ago and i would be sorry to lose that.
I just wanted to say thank you very, very, very, very much, i'm sure your prayers are helping (I'm beginning to believe there is a God afterall!) and i am truly thankful to you all for your kind support.
Special thanks to Wendy, Angela, Amy & John for everything, your help and support is priceless.
Kind regards from a hopeful Alex x
