We're also sharing the same experience. It could have been MY post, word for word!
Just over a week ago (mum's 3rd week in hospital), they told me to prepare for the worst. I cried, I ached, I despaired. I suppose it was shock. All seemed a bit sudden. But I got my head around it very quickly & went into coping mode.
Last year (June) we were told dad only had 12 weeks to live, so we're not unfamiliar with this, but I'm still grieving for him, so my heart's a little overloaded with sadness right now. However...I cope by organising. I started getting mum's financial paperwork all filed. It was piled in different categories, and I nearly missed having dinner...I was so immersed in papers! I was thinking about her funeral, what wonderful things I would write about her; would my husband read it out again (he did this for dad); would it be the same people attending; what would we do with the cat; blimey, we'll need at least 10 skips to clear the house; would she just slip away and....would I be relieved? It's the one thing I can't organise: my feelings.
With dad, we were relieved that he was out of pain (cancer) and that the man existing within his frail body was released so saying goodbye to that physical figure was made easier (not easy) but easier because of the awful build-up and limbo in which we all lived. But it was 5 months or so later that the real grief hit me. I'd forgotten the man we'd let go and remembered I hadn't got a dad anymore. Could only remember him before his illness.
I'm ready for this with mum.
But she's been back at home now for a week, and although it looks almost certain she'll have to go to a nursing home, I can't quite work out how I feel. It's relief to a point (that we're not arranging a funeral right now) but a strange ... can't think of the right word (irritation is not it, but along those lines) that we will still have to face it soon.
We had a lot of practice with dad. We'd tell him off for literally using up his 9 lives! Acute stroke, from which he shouldn't survive...he did..emergency op for burst appendix and perforated bowel...50% chance he'll pull through...he did! The amount of chest infections and UTIs he suffered were ridiculous, but I suppose he just wasn't ready to go. He was so worried about leaving mum. He even went into the hospice and we were counting days, but the rascal only got himself in a position to come home again, then got a chest infection...but this time the chest infection would be his last. When we got the call to say we had to get there, we felt it was another false alarm. But it wasn't.
It was hard to believe it had actually happened. We'd had so many near misses.
So I suppose I'm saying that the feeling of wanting it over is human nature. It's not selfish. Because all in all, when the end is coming, the limbo is so painful that all sorts of emotions are felt. We prepare, it doesn't happen, we think it's ok, oh, another downturn, prepare again, hope it's not, hope it is, oh when will life stop messing with us all?
Mum must be utterly miserable to be so poorly, so let her go...but I don't want my mum to die...but I've already lost my mum...I want her to keep what dignity is left...let her go...but just one more day...I'm ready to lose her...oh, she's improving...no, just a blip...here we go again.
Just know I'll be thinking of you. I know exactly what you mean.
Annie x x x x