Fighting with family & Social Services!!!

[ToniT]

Hello everyone

It’s a while since I have been on Talking Point but my life has been turned upside down and I don’t know which way to turn.

I have been caring for my 90 year old mother in her own home, along with my husband, since early 2009 as she was beginning to have difficulties managing her affairs and looking after the house and was displaying the early signs of dementia.
My brother, who lives abroad and therefore sees very little of his mother, never the less denies that she needs ‘care’ or that she has dementia, despite a GP’s diagnosis, and has shown his disapproval of our ‘depriving her of her independence’ on several occasions.

In May of this year we accessed respite care for Mum as we had been caring and refurbishing her house without a break for thirteen months and we were both feeling in need of time to ourselves. Social Services agreed to provide the Respite and we took Mum to see the home before we took her for her stay. We did have to remind her several times that it was just for a short while to give us a break and while we decorated her bedroom, which had not been touched for over thirty years, and the hall, stairs and landing.

On the Tuesday of the second week, just as we finished all the decorating and were planning to go away for a couple of days before she came back from Respite, we received a visit from a Social Worker and a Police Liaison Officer saying that they had to make some investigations into allegations against us. Having discussed the allegations and putting our side of the story they said that they did not see any reason for further investigations but that Mum ‘wanted to return home without us there’.

Because of the nature of the ‘allegations’ we were suspicious that somehow my brother or an interfering neighbour were jointly or severally responsible for them and, indeed, the truth only came to light when we went to see Mum at the home later that day. We learnt that the neighbour had telephoned my brother, who was on holiday in France, told him that we had ‘put his mother in a home’ and he had taken the next flight over here and gone straight to the home and made the false and malicious allegations to them and to Social Services.

We made the decision, because of my husband’s nervous disposition, to leave my mother’s house as soon as possible and return to our own home which, fortunately for us, had not sold in the interim. Social Services did not ask us if we had anywhere to go to nor did they ask if we had the finances with which to move.

I am now in the situation that I have no contact with my mother and Social Services will not give me any information regarding her care and they are also adamant that, in their opinion, she has ‘Full Mental Capacity’ and can make her own decisions regarding her care. How can they continue to deny her vulnerable mental state without professional knowledge which up to now they have not advised me they have accessed?

Having objected to my brother being an Attorney on her PoA (which is still in the process of being registered), I now have to decide whether I wish to go down the route of applying to be a Deputy to the Court of Protection. Does anyone have experience of this and have they encountered any obstacles? Do you think I would be better to ‘walk away’ from the situation and get on with our lives and leave mum’s care to Social Services and wait for the day when she has some sort of major or life-threatening event before someone recognises that she does indeed need care.

I am at my wits end and would appreciate any words of wisdom.

My heart goes out to all carers as no-one knows the difficulties until they have been there.
Regards to everyone. ToniT

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello ToniT

I am at my wits end and would appreciate any words of wisdom.

My heart goes out to all carers as no-one knows the difficulties until they have been there.
Regards to everyone. ToniT


I cannot help you on this one, sorry.
But I am sure, someone will come along to give you advice

Barb X

 

[debill]

i cannot offer any words of wisdom unfortunatly but just wanted to say a huge heart felt well done to you and your husband for your unselfish support you have shown and the services should be fully trained in recognising mental health problems and not treat carers as abusers but help in coping with this very difficult job we choose to do out of love and compassion god bless you xxx

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Toni T
I am sorry you find yourself in such a dilemma at the moment.

I am looking at this statement

Having objected to my brother being an Attorney on her PoA (which is still in the process of being registered),

It appears there may have been problems at that time, is this prior to your mother going for respite? if so could this be where the problems stem from?

Could you possibly agree with your brother about finding a mediator who can solve this problem in your mothers best interest.

Hope you soon find a solution to this sad case.

 

[ToniT]

Thankyou Barb & debill & Win

Thank you for your kind words. The support and understanding lessens the load tremendously.

Dear Win - the problems with my brother began as soon as we moved into my mother's house with her back in April 2009. He has questioned our motives on a number of occasions but chosen to ignore our reassurances that we were not trying to take possession of the house. My husband and I are retired, being 68 and 61, and I have always promised my mother that I would look after her in her old age and not let her be taken into care unless it was absolutely necessary.

This we were endeavouring to do, not always without problems, (without the information and support on these pages I don't think we would have survived beyond a couple of months, but I soon realised that we were not on our own and mum's behaviour was not unusual) but mum was telling friends and family that she was happy with the arrangement and felt more confident and safe, especially during the night, knowing that there was someone there for her. I think the problem has been that she was saying different things to my brother and he exagerated them and used them against us.

My only conclusion is that my brother's behaviour is some form of misguided guilt plus jealousy of our control of mum's care plus fear that he is going to lose out financially at the 'end of the day'. Due to his recent behaviour I am now totally excluded from my mother's care, I am now unable to even telephone her as he has changed her telephone number of 40+ years (and, as she no longer initiates telephone calls to anyone, none of her friends or family have the new number - despite my requesting that Social Services rectify this situation), he has changed the house door locks, posted an interfering neighbour as 'Gatekeeper' who vets all visitors and incoming telephone calls, he has rescinded my Appointeeship at her bank, despite her not being able to deal with her own affairs any longer, and told Social Services that my mother does not want me to have any information regarding her health or welfare.

I am so totally shocked that SS can behave in such a biased way and think that they can get away with it. The way I see the situation, both my mother and I are being deprived of our Human Rights and Civil Liberties by them and my brother and anyone else that he can recruit.

The Social Worker involved in the 'investigation' offered to mediate whenwe were all at the Care Home that afternoon but, after she had spoken with my brother, that mediation meeting never materialised so we guessed that he had refused.

My problem at the moment is that he has so poisoned my mother's mind that there is no way that I can make contact without the fear of upsetting her deeply, let alone take any active role in her care, and he has poisoned the minds of several members of the family too.

I am frantically searching the internet for sources of help with the complexities of the situation and thankfully have gleaned quite a lot of useful information along the way. The Carers Association, MIND, SHELTER and the Alzheimers Assoc. have all been terrific and I thank them all sincerely.

My one piece of advice to you all out there is.... 'Don't be afraid to admit you need help and Do ask!' I will go to the end of the earth for my mother - it is just very difficult when you have your hands and feet shackled.

Thankyou again for your replies. Regards ToniT

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Toni
Thank you for explaining this awful situation in more details.

I cannot offer any advise at the moment, but want you to know I do feel so sorry for all of you who appear to be missing out on eachother.

Your poor mother is having to do without your care and company, I wonder who is caring for her now if anybody?

So sorry for you to be in this awful predicament and for having lost contact with both your mother and brother.

I also feel sorry for your brother who appears not to understand your intentions at all. Whether he is jealous, feel guilt or simply does not understand your mothers needs is difficult to say as an outsider, but it certainly does not appear that he is operating in your mothers best interest.

How much is she able to communicate with Social Services and others? would SS perhaps consider holding a best interest meeting with all parties there? I find it difficult to understand why they are just accepting your brothers instructions.
If a best interest meeting was to be called and your brother refused to attend that would just be his hard luck they way I understand it, but I may be totally wrong.

I have had nothing but excellent support from our SW so I find it so incomprehensable that they are not all like that, but gathered from here that it is not the case.

Hope everything soon gets sorted for everyones sake.

 

[steeevy]

Hello Toni,
I cant really help ,but, you say she has been diagnosed by a doctor,wouldnt he be able to step in and say something??
im sure that if you could get him on side,it would be a big help to you!
Hoping things turn out well for you!

 

[izzie]

Hello Toni, Hello,

I cant say I can help, but I do understand. I too have been stopped from seeing my Mum (76). She lives with my step dad of 17 years and he has recently retired and stopped my access to her. No phone, no visits. I am her attorney but nothing. Having involved the SS they have investigated her care and have bought in a IMCA. They have a safeguarding meeting next Monday.

I havent seen her since March. I am suffering so much. Like you I feel she has been brainswashed. I am desperate to find someone to talk to.

Ironically your positio sounds like mine, but the other way round.

Whilst SS should look at what their life was like they seem to work so much on the now! They keep telling me Mum is fine and doesnt want to see me. I am devasted, like you I promised to take care of her I promised, it was what she wanted before this awful disease took hold an my step father changed. It's so cruel.

I ring the Alzheiemers regularly. One thing I have done is logged everthing. It takes me hours ... but its my way of knowing I have done nothing wrong. Even though I am being made to feel I have.

It's made me so ill.

If you want to talk I am happy to pass over my number in the private messages.

But ~Toni - who knows what the answer is. I dont know. I have just registered as a volunteer, cos my step dad has said I will never ever see my Mum again! I cant bear it. SO I'm gonna try and help someone els. But such is red tape the Alzheimers may not take me on cos of the confict!

I do so hope you can get some support. I truly do. Stay in touch.

xxxx

 

[Megs]

I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time, and after taking such good care of your mother too. I would have thought that you need to bring the doctor who made the diagnosis of Alzheimers on board, and then call a meeting of all parties. As had been said, if your brother doesn't attend, that's his loss.

Unfortunately a lot of people with dementia don't think they're ill, and a lot of people who don't actually live with that person don't believe they're ill either. I get that all the time, people saying 'he seems fine to me' in an accusatory way. Why anyone would make up a diagnosis of dementia is totally beyond me!

I believe that if you are unhappy with the way Social Services are handling this then you can ask for an outside Advocate to become involved, rather like an Ombudsman I assume.

I too am baffled as to why the SS only listen to your brother and not you. Were you ever involved with them during the time you were caring for your mother? If so then it's even more strange.

Good luck and do let us know how things progress. It's such a sad story for all concerned.

 

[ToniT]

Hello Again Everyone!

Hi again Winnie - A Best Interest Meeting sounds like a great idea. I am sure that SS have held internal ones and I have asked for meetings with them on several occasions, but to date have not been taken up on that. I am sure my brother is blocking every attempt at mediation in the same way that he is blocking all outside contact and influence for my Mum.

I have in fact emailed SS again today and included yet another request for a mediation meeting. We shall see???


Hello Steeevy - Apparently, although her GP diagnosed Dementia last year, SS asked her to visit Mum recently and between them they have come to the conclusion that Mum has Full Mental Capacity and can therefore make her own decisions???

When this whole thing blew up I asked the GP if she could not write to SS in support of our caring role and explaining Mum's early stage dementia, but she said that she could not get involved. SS then told her not to speak with us regarding my Mother and I was then unable to discuss things any further with her.


Dear Izzie - my heart goes out to you. You too have to come to terms with this most awful of situations. It is worse than bereavement as your much loved Mum is still there but she is being deprived of your caring and you are being deprived of your Mother. It is torture I know and probably you, as I, fall asleep each night thinking about Mum and how you can possibly turn this around and then wake again in the small hours and start thinking about it again. How can people be so cruel as to deprive a Mother of her daughter and vice versa. I even reminded SS that I am a human being with feelings and that I am not so stupid as to pretend that my Mother has Dementia and therefore Care Needs. As in your case, whenever I enquire about anything to SS they say 'she's fine' but I just keep on plugging and eventually I will get through. I did in fact make some headway today with the Head of Vulnerable Adult Care Services when she agreed to ask my Mum some direct questions and not just 'are you OK?' - so it can help to be persistent.

As you say - log everything, that's what I do too, you never know when you might need to refer back to things you might otherwise forget.

Try to keep yourself busy - I have started baking bread and I am going to learn to play an instrument, something I have always wanted to do but not had the time. Shortly the knitting will come out of the cupboard and I will start making Christmas pressies (including one for Mum ).

I have had wonderful support from the Carers Association and have made new contacts with the CA where we have moved back to. I am now caring for my husband who has had nervous problems for over twenty years now and this whole business has caused him to have a relapse - but hey ho, we'll get through it, we have before.

Will certainly keep in touch izzie - my best wishes to you and, as my cousin always says to me 'don't forget to smell the roses'!


Hello Megs - Thank you too for your kind words. Yes I have been very lucky to have been put in touch with an Advocate who works for SHELTER and she is helping me fight my corner.

My brother is a very domineering person with a very loud voice and he uses this to good purpose. Friends tell me that they remember him bullying me as a little girl and he still does it and treats me like his 'no brain little sister'. I am sure that SS were very convinced by his accuations against us and that is why they reacted as they did.

Today I had a call from one of Mum's friends, who is also in her 90's but bright as a button, and she was very concerned for Mum who has lost a lot of weight, was more confused than usual, repeated herself over and over again and was unaware of the reason why she is now left on her own. She said that she did not feel that what Mum had to say should be taken as fact as she did not seem sure of anything. I have relayed all this to SS and said that I expect them to investigate urgently.

The plot thickens day by day but I am determined to make people listen to me.


Thank you all of you. It's good to talk and be reassured that you are not going mad or have done anything wrong.

ToniT.
Daughter & Still Caring. Wife & Carer.