Hi! My mother died yesterday and I am seeing my husband in hospital (he has an infection, but also vascular dementia) and I don't know whether to tell him, and whether I should expect him to come to the funeral if he is out of hospital by then. Any recommendations?
Tell or not to tell?
- Thread starter petronella
- Start date
Petronella, hello
I am so sorry to hear your sad news of your mother, my condolences to you and your family. I'm afraid only you can decide when to tell your husband but if he's going to be in hospital and only you will visit maybe not, but if he might hear from others then you might want to start telling him. My heart goes out to you.
Kind regards, Jo
I am so sorry to hear your sad news of your mother, my condolences to you and your family. I'm afraid only you can decide when to tell your husband but if he's going to be in hospital and only you will visit maybe not, but if he might hear from others then you might want to start telling him. My heart goes out to you.
Kind regards, Jo
Hi Petronella and welcome to Talking Point.
Firstly, please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother.
It's difficult to know what to advise without knowing a little more about your husband. Do you feel that your husband would understand the news and be able to retain it? Would it distress him?
As for the funeral, do you think your husband would be able to cope with it? My own feeling would be that your mother's funeral is a time for you to grieve and say your goodbyes, and you may not be able to do that if you are constantly having to make sure your husband is OK.
I hope you feel able to tell us a little more about you and your husband.
Firstly, please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother.
It's difficult to know what to advise without knowing a little more about your husband. Do you feel that your husband would understand the news and be able to retain it? Would it distress him?
As for the funeral, do you think your husband would be able to cope with it? My own feeling would be that your mother's funeral is a time for you to grieve and say your goodbyes, and you may not be able to do that if you are constantly having to make sure your husband is OK.
I hope you feel able to tell us a little more about you and your husband.
Hi Petronella,
I'm sorry to hear about your sad news.
My Dad has vascular dementia, and he was in hospital earlier this year when my MIL died. They'd been close as my husband and I had been main carers for both of them (her last words were "How's Tom today?"), so we decided to tell Dad. He was very upset for us, and every day for a whole week he remembered that she had died and we were arranging the funeral. Then he forgot. So we have decided not to keep on reminding him, because every time it's a new bereavement. He's also forgotten that my mum died over 30 years ago and often asks after her. The first time it happened I was very shocked and told him she was dead (because it was in the early days when I didn't know what was wrong), but now I just make some vague reply, just fine, and change the subject. You have to be prepared for the fact that they forget because it knocks the wind out of your sails the first time it happens.
I think it would be very stressful for you to have your husband to worry about at the funeral. If you do decide that he should attend, do you have someone who could look after your husband during the service?
My thoughts are with you at this sad time, love Sue x
I'm sorry to hear about your sad news.
My Dad has vascular dementia, and he was in hospital earlier this year when my MIL died. They'd been close as my husband and I had been main carers for both of them (her last words were "How's Tom today?"), so we decided to tell Dad. He was very upset for us, and every day for a whole week he remembered that she had died and we were arranging the funeral. Then he forgot. So we have decided not to keep on reminding him, because every time it's a new bereavement. He's also forgotten that my mum died over 30 years ago and often asks after her. The first time it happened I was very shocked and told him she was dead (because it was in the early days when I didn't know what was wrong), but now I just make some vague reply, just fine, and change the subject. You have to be prepared for the fact that they forget because it knocks the wind out of your sails the first time it happens.
I think it would be very stressful for you to have your husband to worry about at the funeral. If you do decide that he should attend, do you have someone who could look after your husband during the service?
My thoughts are with you at this sad time, love Sue x
I am so sorry to read your news and my sincere condolences to you and your family.
When my wonderful mother died in 2008, as an only child I made the decision not to tell my father. Due to his illness he'd already forgotton my mother and never asked about her, nor has he mentioned her since. I didn't take him to the funeral ... I believed it would have been too distressing for him (not to mention for me). He doesn't cope well out of his routine and wouldn't have remembered the people there (I just told those who asked he was too ill to attend and didn't care what they may have thought).
I know I made the right decision for me and for him.
Regards
Jules
When my wonderful mother died in 2008, as an only child I made the decision not to tell my father. Due to his illness he'd already forgotton my mother and never asked about her, nor has he mentioned her since. I didn't take him to the funeral ... I believed it would have been too distressing for him (not to mention for me). He doesn't cope well out of his routine and wouldn't have remembered the people there (I just told those who asked he was too ill to attend and didn't care what they may have thought).
I know I made the right decision for me and for him.
Regards
Jules
Petronella, no wise words just a {{{{{hug}}}}} and a hope that you will know in your heart when you get to the hospital what you want to do. Xxxxx
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your mum.
My mother died in September 2009 having lived with us for 15 months.
My husband is a stroke survivor and wheelchair bound and as a result has VAD.
I told my husband immediately because my mother died at home with us. He also came to the funeral but because he is in the wheelchair, I did not have to worry about wandering. My son took charge of the wheelchair, but my husband sat in the isle next to me, and he was very emotial as we all were. He coped extremely well throughout the dinner that follow. It was a very long day, but he was as good as gold and everybody made a point of chatting to him. My mother was like a mother to my husband too, his own mother died before we were married. He adored her and she him.
My husband forgets she has died and asks for her, he tells me to make sure I feed her first and so on, which I manage to cope with without telling him again.
He also asks for his own mother who died in 1967 one month before we married.
Unfortunately we also lost a young son 16 years ago, and he asks for him too regularly, that is the worst request for me but somehow I manage to deal with it without upsetting my husband most of the time.
You know your husband and what he can cope with, nobody else will mind any disturbance but for peace of mind have some support arranged for yourself.
Take care and I hope you find strength to get through this difficult time. x
My mother died in September 2009 having lived with us for 15 months.
My husband is a stroke survivor and wheelchair bound and as a result has VAD.
I told my husband immediately because my mother died at home with us. He also came to the funeral but because he is in the wheelchair, I did not have to worry about wandering. My son took charge of the wheelchair, but my husband sat in the isle next to me, and he was very emotial as we all were. He coped extremely well throughout the dinner that follow. It was a very long day, but he was as good as gold and everybody made a point of chatting to him. My mother was like a mother to my husband too, his own mother died before we were married. He adored her and she him.
My husband forgets she has died and asks for her, he tells me to make sure I feed her first and so on, which I manage to cope with without telling him again.
He also asks for his own mother who died in 1967 one month before we married.
Unfortunately we also lost a young son 16 years ago, and he asks for him too regularly, that is the worst request for me but somehow I manage to deal with it without upsetting my husband most of the time.
You know your husband and what he can cope with, nobody else will mind any disturbance but for peace of mind have some support arranged for yourself.
Take care and I hope you find strength to get through this difficult time. x
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