Guilt

[Marrtian]

I did it my way

Sorry everyone didn't think about the copyright laws.

I just wanted to let everyone know that like Frank Sinatra we might have had a few regrets but we did it our way xxx

 

[Padraig]

Guilt What's that?

Marrtian,
That song sums it all up for me in a bitter sweet way.
My take on 'Guilt' is that; it's planted in our minds at a very young age by grown-ups. Had someone asked me in my teenage years if I felt guilty about anything? I'd have said "No, what's that?"
The grown-up were unsuccessful in their attempt to make me feel guilty. The 'sisters' at my first detention center insisted that it was evil to be left-handed and managed to beat it out of me. Then it was you're born with 'Original Sin' and they pointed to the cross: "He, Jesus died for your sins." That was at my first lesson age five! I wasn't stupid to ask when He was crucified. I learned many years later that it was over 2,000 years earlier and they tried to blame me!
For my second stretch of detention as a young adult of ten I was in the custody of the 'brothers'. They called these guys 'Christian Brothers'. I guess they liked to think they were family; what with 'sisters' 'brothers' 'father' and 'mother superior'. They tried to teach us all about the different sins we couldn't commit whilst in their custody. Even about adultery, I never even saw a 'dull tree'. Should we ever commit enough of these sins we'd go to hell. Trying to instill fear and guilt in me was a wasted effort on their part.
What I did learn in my first 16 years was; I was nobodies child; their methods of treating vulnerable children was cruel and evil.
As one free dude I endeavoured to do the best I could with all the faults I had/have. With a very special girl by my side I could do no less than my best. It's all any of us can ask of ourselves. Each and every one of you guys do your best in your own individual way. Your loved ones would want you to live guilt free lives.

 

[Marrtian]

Amen

I didn't allways get it right, but I can put my hand on my heart and say I did my best.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I didn't allways get it right, but I can put my hand on my heart and say I did my best.

And that is the most that can be asked of us.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hear, hear Joanne, hear hear.

 

[JPG1]

Hear, hear, Joanne, hear hear.

And if you've done your best, and as that is the most that can be asked of anyone, you need feel no guilt at having done your best.

 

[CaPattinson]

Rag Day

But first to jennifer and joanne yes I agree to put our hands on our hearts and say I did my best SUMS UP what we all do and try to do and is an excellent way of describing the spirit in which to view what has come to be known as the Rag Day which was my intent.

I'd also like to say that I believe wholeheartedly in Talking Point as one of the best resource and support systems a carer or former carer can have.

I don't pretend to have all the answers or any answers at all but
we who like the idea of Rag Day it is meant to be lighthearted and NOT a way of blaming ourselves or anyone else or feeling bad.

Before anything else - on page 1, post 9, of the 'guilt' thread Gigi posted a link that I think is extremely useful to read and I and others recommend it.

Now I'm just going to write down a few of the things that have been said by those joining in which relate. (These are not exact words but are in a similar vein).

the phrase when the guilt monster raises its ugly head its just a little bit of humour to see us through these terribe times;

guilt which plagues us often will benefit from being brought out into the open and discussed;

I am not perfect so I offer up my imperfections;

I'm going to throw in some resentment for good measure;

I feel regret but I don't have any feelings of guilt;

this thread has helped me deal with how I've been feeling;

bring on rag day!

we all do our best in our own individual way;

lets give ourselves a pat on the back;

There are more but I think the above tell a story. So Rag Day in my view (but please feel free to join in as you feel is best for you) is about being positive and having self belief and thinking of each other on a particular day. Its about recognising that we do our best so YES lets pat ourselves on the back!

Someone said its a virtual rag day so that means it can be and mean whatever YOU want it to be. But KNOW that we are in this together on 5th June so enjoy a moment or two of self-belief and peace or what it is you want to feel(if you can spare the time) Perhaps trying to find a little moment to reflect on what you ARE doing right and what IS going well, and yes chuck whatever you feel like onto a big VIRTUAL bonfire. Any good positive thoughts let them float into the air and surround you in well-being.

For me, if its a sunny day, I'm going to let the sun warm my face and I'll try think positive thoughts (YES I did my best) and to empty my mind of any negative thoughts. And YES I WILL BE THINKING OF ALL OF YOU AND HOPING YOU GET SOME COMFORT FROM BEING A PART OF (no) RAG DAY!! That stands for no regret and guilt day but add something else if you want to!!! It might not spell out RAG but who cares its what it means to you and the spirit of it that counts So until 5th June! Chris xx

 

[parrypamela]

Well done Chris. I am looking forward to it and will be thinking of all out there in the same boat. Love my mum to bits but am also 'doing my best' thats all anyone can ask.
Lets all carry on with the light hearted humour as it matches wonderfully with the caring, loving, thoughtful things we all do when needed, putting our own needs on the back burner.
June 5th - NO Regrets and Guilt. xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[CaPattinson]

Just a thought

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal and soon they'll forget my number... Edith Armstrong

 

[CaPattinson]

Finally, Rag Day

Hello everyone! Today, Saturday 5 June 2010 we celebrate RAG DAY! We are taking a break from our demons! Today we don’t need or want the pesky things! Time to make our dreams come true TODAY. So here we go! As this is a VIRTUAL (thanks for the suggestion, Lynne) Rag Day we can put our plans into action. We can do exactly what we want in our hearts and minds. Unfortunately in reality we can’t jump up after breakfast and say “Right, off I go to spend a day doing exactly what I feel like doing. C U later!” But on a virtual day we can do what we want in our minds. This may sound weird BUT thinking about it, it’s what goes on in there that we want to explore.

BE TOGETHER FEEL THE POSITIVE VIBES. Make sure we send them out all over the country to each other and we think especially hard so that they’ll reach our friend Kim many miles away in Australia, where its 9 hours in front of us, so her thoughts she told me will be with us early in the morning. So as soon as we get up our thoughts and positive vibes to Kim!

If we look at the quote posted earlier it is about not answering the phone in our head to any negative, distressing or unwanted calls! No one wants unsolicited ‘cold’ calls! And another quote which I think is about what we’re doing today, taking steps to feel better about ourselves and believe in what we are doing - IT’S OUR BEST - is by Martin Luther King Jnr: “FAITH is about taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase” Faith and belief are the ‘buzz’ words for today. FAB So let’s have a FAB NO RAG DAY. Translated: FAITH and BELIEF in a NO REGRETS and/or GUILT DAY including any other unwanted or undeserved feelings .

So we’ll meet at the top, half way up or on any step - any steps taken are progress. Now time to get out the marigolds and feather dusters and spring clean our minds get rid of cobwebs and dust! Anything else to get rid of - gremlins and such then chuck them on the VIRTUAL BONFIRE below which is going to be alight for an eternity if its up to me! ENJOY!!

Chris xx

 

[Nanak]

Hi Everyone
Happy RAG Day!!! It is 12.09am 5th June 2010. I have just come to bed after celebrating some good news. My daughter's boyfriend proposed on Thursday night (it was her birthday yesterday - Friday). A wedding to plan for and my eldest daughter is expecting her third child in December.
I rang my Mum and luckily my sister and brother were there too so I killed three overseas telephone calls with one stone!!!! My youngest daughter was also with Mum (she is on a visit to UK at the moment)so it worked out really well.
Just read over this post and its confusing! I'm really tired. Just to fill you in I have four children. Three daughters Laura
(27) married with two children and one on the way, Michelle (26), just got engaged, and Emma (20), overseas visiting England Ireland Scotland London and Paris! And David our only son and youngest, who is 19.
Anyway I hope you all have a lovely day. My sister tells me the weather there is beautiful at the moment so RAG away!!!!
Best wishes
Kim xx
Mum 12,500 miles away

 

[CaPattinson]

Hi kim, given the time over there you sound chirpy and u certainly have reason to. I'm trying to remember all your good fortune and news, feeling a bit fuzzy at the moment, I've been using my brain too much, steam coming out of my ears! - a marriage proposal (not to u I know!) and grandchildren. Well, well you are a fortunate lady!! All this POSITIVE, LOVELY HAPPY INFORMATION - BABIES AND A WEDDING - NO BETTER WAY TO START RAG DAY!! THANK YOU! I know it's not all sweetness and light for you but u r blessed, aren't you?

My last post took forever and figuring out how to put a picture at the end, well its all very confusing this editing and computering lark. Thanks for the sentiment - tomorrow yep hope its all good for everyone! Not hope, be positive, it WILL be!! Thinking of you on FAB RAG DAY ENJOY! Take care xxx Chris

 

[Nanak]

Yes I am soooo blessed.
I have decided to organise a webcam or skype when I am in UK so Mum can be a part of Lauras pregnancy and Michelles wedding plans first hand - well, almost. I know one of you told me about it, just can't remember who.....
If my stepfather doesn't want to be involved then I will find a backup plan!! Onwards and upwards!!
Kim
Mum 12,500 miles away

 

[Norman]

I have always said that I have no feelings of guilt.
Many many regrets but no guilt.
Norman

 

[Goingitalone]

A lovely RAG DAY.

Thanks for arranging it.

Maggie

 

[muse]

Hi - I read the Rag Day thread first and thought that it was a nice, simple, positive thread. Two people supporting each other in banishing the monster and encouraging others to do the same. A bit disappointed at the lack of response from others at first, but still positive!

It then pointed me to this thread, and after two pages I lost the will to proceed. I think you can analyse things to death. We all know that there are healthy "uncomfortable" feelings which will leed us to change/improve things, and there are guilt monsters who mainly trouble people who feel responsible for every ill in the world. Dementia is an illness, something out of our control; why would anyone need to feel guilty about a loved one suffering from it (or the fact that we can't remove it) any more than they would feel guilty about a volcano errupting in Iceland?

I raise my glass to Chris and JPG1 and Rag day/week/month/year.

I think everybody who's found this forum has their loved one's best interest at heart. We all do what we can. There should be no room for guilt feelings, because there are enough genuine feelings (not "baggage" monsters) like sadness (at the loss of a loved one's personality), isolation, helplessness, frustration, stress, helplessness, frustration.... and did I mention sadness?

Kathy