my main worry is...

noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
0
Liverpool
Áine said:
These people who don't visit are a real menace :D My dad confided in me the other day that the thing that really upsets him is that none of my brothers have been to visit him. There could be all sorts of reasons for that ..... but the main one is that I'm an only child and don't HAVE any brothers :eek:

My 'not visiting' actually caused a stand up row in the hospital with 2 of my mum's sisters 2 years ago. My mum had been in for a few days and after having a fall at the day centre she used to attend. I'd spent many a happy (not) hour waiting with her in casualty and then visited her every day after that. I arrived one Saturday afternoon to be greeted by 2 of her sisters, their husbands and an extemely cool atmosphere. They told me that they'd spoken to the nurse and she'd told them that no one had visited my mum all the time she'd been in - you know the nurse, the one that's there 24/7 and sees everything that happens! They didn't seem to believe me when I told them that I'd been there every day! They then told me that my mum needed 24 hour care. When I replied that I was unable to provide this as I had a child and a job they replied that they had looked after their mother, even though they also had children and jobs (as one of them is childless to my knowledge, this was interesting news!) Their mother died of cancer before I was even born and it was diagnosed at a very advanced stage so it was a totally different situation. I then basically blew a gasket and left the ward, passing the sister's husbands on the way out as they were in the waiting area! My sister later phoned one of my mum's sisters and her husband refused to let her speak to her because he was 'the gaffer in this house'!

My father died a few months later and although the 2 sisters turned up for the funeral they didn't attend the wake and the sister's husband walked past us on our way back from the grave and blanked us!
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
0
80
N.Ireland
My main worry is that
As I couldn't continue to look after my husband at home was I

Faithful to my marriage vow ' In sickness and in health '
Pat
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Dear Pat,

Isn't that vow about loving and cherishing? It doesn't mean promising to become a 'superhuman' who can stay awake and able and capable 24/7. You are loving and cherishing and honouring in the way that is right for you BOTH now. Far from breaking vows, I see partners caring for their loved ones as fulfilling their marriage promises more than most people would ever dare believe they might have to ....

Love, Karen (TF)
 

Dave W

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
268
0
63
Bucks
Houses

As Mum's already self-financing, I'm looking to offset the shortfall between her income and the home fees by letting. (By the time we've paid agent's fees - I want to do this properly, and am too far away to 'manage' the property/tenant myself - it should very nearly do so.) Big decision, and one I've no experience of. If only it weren't clouded by the emotion of doing so (with the ongoing 'I want to go home' backdrop thrown in on top), it would feel easier. Ironic I'm managing her money (she's theoretically quite comfortable for a while on that front), while I'm utterly skint.

If anyone has gone down this route and has helpful pointers I'd be grateful. I'm, for example, assuming we offer six month lets only (if Mum goes downhill and needs nursing rather than residential care, I'd need to sell it within 6 - 7 months and don't want to be faced with a sitting tenant I can't remove).

Here back, have another straw or two ...

Still, the feet seem better this morning. One (slightly) painful step at a time, I guess ...
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
0
80
N.Ireland
Karen,
Thanks so much, I appreciate very much what you have said because I know you understand and are living the 'experience'.( what other word coud you use!)

Pat
 

Zadok

Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
68
0
Kent
Stress Buster

Dave W said:
Just about to serve dinnerbut I think I might start a 'small ideas to tackle stress' thread over in the Tea Room. What do you reckon?

Hang in there Dave!
I think TP does help with the stress............but do try to build stress busters into your week. Our family motto is carpe diem (seize the day) or in other words grab onto the good things, even if its only a drink with a loved one with no mention of the word demetia!
 

Doreen K

Registered User
Dec 8, 2005
4
0
Selling her house

We (my sister and myself) have now put Mum's house up for sale to cover her residential care fees.

I have been over and over in my mind what the alternatives are but have come to the conclusion that, taking all circumstances into consideration, ie I live 160 miles from her and my sister cannot live with her, she is being "looked after" better at the home than if we could have tried to get sufficient care for her in her home . Try as I might to come to terms with it, I still feel horrible and guilty and so sad that I have to do this.

I know we are not the only ones in this situation. If I had realized quite how unhappy moving Mum was going to make her, I would have done more to keep her in her own home for much longer. It seems so obvious now but, at the time I took advice from social workers and her specialist and they all said she needed residential care.

At last she has begun to settle (5 months). The carers are very pleasant. She has more company than when she was living at her house and she is physically much better. She would have longed for our company just as much at home.

My sympathy and best wishes to all in this position.
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
0
Suffolk,England
PatH said:
My main worry is that as I couldn't continue to look after my husband at home, was I faithful to my marriage vow ' In sickness and in health '?
Pat,
I have no doubt at all that you did the best you could at home, for as long as you could. Now you are still doing the best you can, but with the necessary aid of trained people to help you make him as safe and comfortable as is possible.
Our Marriage vows do not and cannot require us to create and maintain a perfect world in the face of unbeatable odds; we can only do our best for our loved ones, and hopefully have the wisdom to accept that we cannot change all the evils of this world (of which evils AD is certainly one)
 

rummy

Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
700
0
Oklahoma,USA
Hi Doreen,
Thank you for sharing that, I will be in your posistion in the probably near future. As long as my step Dad is living and can take care of Mom she will live at home but if he is gone she will have to live with us. She will hate living with me, she would hate being in her home alone and she will hate being in a nursing home. I will feel guilty no matter what I have to do as there is no easy fix to this situation. At some point I am going to have to get a job and that is when it will get dicey. Home care is so very expensive, so I don't know that there is going to be a good alternative.
We just have to do the best we can, there are no easy fixes are there?
Debbie
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
0
Ronda Spain
f anyone has gone down this route and has helpful pointers I'd be grateful. I'm, for example, assuming we offer six month lets only

Dave hi,

It is fairly straight forward... You need to use a SHORTHOLD ASSURED TENNANCY AGREEMENT and the minimum time you can issue one for is indeed 6months. Provided you do not put the rent up or change the conditions at the end of the 6 months you can just let it 'roll over' and then you will be required to give your tenant 2 months notice to quit. This can be done in a friendly way by letter or email.

One or two things to be aware of.. Take a deposit against damage to the house of at least one months rent - 6 weeks is better... Insist that the tenant pays by bankers standing order - (try to take the first months rent plus the deposit in cash - if they cannot do this you probably do not want them as a tenant) they will be responsible for council tax, water, gas electricity telephone and TV licence fee... All these are easily transferable to the tenants name by telephone on the day they move in.
You need to right out an inventory and you and the tenant should both sign it..

If you did get a 'bad' tenant who does not pay then you can with a shorthold tenancy agreement always get them out with a special form giving two months notice then application to the courts who are obliged to find in your favour...

I have all the forms and can send them to you... it is pretty straightforward - I do it all the time - I will be pleased to 'hold your hand' through the process.. Bit like PofA letting agents charge a fortune for doing what you can do yourself and if it does go wrong ( and scatology happens) then they will dump you!

There is a professional email address that is not my personal one so there is no security issue:- michael@michaelbriant.com - a purely business address. Email me there if you want and I will send you the agreements and what ever else you need.. I am here a lot these days so its no problem.

regards

Michael
 

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