not sure how much longer I can cope

[sallyc]

Hi All

I'm really struggling to cope with Grandad at the moment.

He had a nasty stomach bug 3 weeks ago and whilst he has fully recovered (from the bug, anyway), he is still extremely confused, and I'm starting to wonder whether he will ever get back to how he was before.

Whenever I go round, I just never know what to expect. Yesterday I spoke to the carer who was there at 10.00am, and he was fine. by the time I arraived at 12.00 to make his lunch he had felt tired, looked at teh clock and it said 11.00 so he thought it must be night-time and had gone to bed. he was amazed when I said it was lunchtime . he refused to get up/dressed and refused to have a meal. After about 20 minutes he decided he was going back to bed, got up, walked out of the lounge and went to bed.

Since he was ill, his appetite has decreased dramatically. For example, in the last week, I would say he's eaten less than half what he was eating before he was ill.

Mum and Dad are away for the weekend, and my husband's working, so I've got Grandad to sort, and I'll have to take my kids with me .

Every day that I have to go to Grandad's I wake up with a feeling of dread in my stomach. When I'm there I just can't wait to leave. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this. I'm constantly feeling uptight, and on the edge of tears a lot of the time.

I can't tell Mum and dad how I feel as they're both struggling, too. They also rely on me a lot as they both work full time. I can't say too much to my husband as he already thinks I do too much and just says " you know what I think" .

I think Grandads reaching the stage where we will soon need to be thinking about a permanent care home, but dad's just not ready for that. he's thinking in terms of the end of the year. I just don't see how I can carry on like this for another 6 months.

Sorry for rambling on.

I know you can't help. I just needed to tell someone.

Love sal xx

 

[Ida]

It is difficult like you I am constantly on the verge of tears
Damaged my car after leaving my mom last time. Never had an accident/bashed the car all my driving life.

Look after your husband, he cares about you and probably finds it difficult to discuss the situation as he knows how upset you are.

All the worry is a great way of losing weight, doesn't do much for bags under the eyes though

 

[gigi]

Hi Sal,

Earlier this week I had a "Carer Breakdown" and my husband was taken into emergency respite. It's the second time it's happened to me this year...only this time it was far more severe.

If you're feelings are as you describe it's vital that you are open and honest about them. Forget about feeling guilty and tell your parents that you are no longer able to do what you've been doing for your grandad.

To be frank you have a husband and family who should be a priority.

But the most important person in this is you. If you're not around to help your parents with grandad they may soon rethink the idea of permanent care.

Please tell it how it is...and don't let yourself reach the point I've reached this week..it's not a good place to be.

Keep talking here...you'll have lots of support to get you through this.

Love xx

 

[Pollyanna]

Hi Sally

I hope this doesn't sounds too blunt, but I think you need to share this with your parents.

However much you love and care for your Grandad, your children are your priority and they need you. You sound stressed and tired. What happens to everyone when you're ill?

I think you're right that it might be time for you to look at care homes. Your Dad might not be ready but it sounds like your Grandad is.

I really feel for you. This afternoon when I visit my Nan, I will spend quality time with her beacuse we have trusted her care to someone else. I wish you had the same.

Polly x

 

[MGB]

Dont know how old your kids are but my son who is 7 3/4 will not go and see my mum in the care home anymore. Talk to your parents mum does not sleep well anymore and is up all night but atleast she is in full time care and looked after.

 

[sallyc]

Thank You

Thank you everyone. I know i should talk to mum and dad. I just can't though, because i know they are finding it so hard too. Now another complication..... Mum and dad have arrived in yorkshire. They've visited Grandma in hospital after her knee replacement. Now they've had a call to say Grandad's brother is in another hospital up there. All they know is that he's in a&e. He's got a lot of serious health problems so it's never good if he's taken in. Mum and Dad are now on their way to a&e to see my great uncle. It never rains but it poors, hey? You're not kidding.

 

[PostTenebrasLux]

Oh Sally,
how I feel for you.
Perhaps with your great uncle's situation adding to the stress, this might in fact be the ideal time for you to bring up the whole subject of caring.
Explain to your parents that the overall situation having changed, it would make sense to redistribute everybody's involvement so as to make sure everyone has their fair level of caregiving. Write a list of what needs doing and against it, who could/should be best placed for that task.
That "forces" them to consider reality. It is often easier to "obey" than to take decisions, ie. for each of your parents (and hopefully other relatives/friends) to take a job sheet!
Your husband has a point - as you don't want to go against his humour, how could you give him a role/involvement that he is prepared to accept? Sit down and create the list with him, make him your "partner in crime" and I'm sure he'll feel considered and included in your life rather than just find himself "dumped" with a sick family.
Best wishes Sally, I do hope the good weather expected this weekend will help you through.
Martina

 

[Goingitalone]

Oh, how I sympathise with that 'waking with the lead weight in the pit of the stomach' feeling!!! Have been getting it for the past few weeks and know I must address it before I crack again.

You really must take the advice that's been offered so far. If you crack you can't be there for anyone and your kids might not understand. You have to take a step back for a while.

You are such a kind daughter and your parents must be so proud of you. But really it is as much their responsibility to care for your grandad. You really do deserve a break.

Hugs,

Maggie