Trapped
Dear Susieb,
Different shades of similar emotions: most of us have been in the same boat, and whilst I have not felt repulsion, then I do admit to feeling angry at times, and trapped. It is not my husband's fault that he has AD, but I am nevertheless trapped in this hopeless situation, as indeed he is. In the past, I used to be able to share and discuss problems with him, and if he couldn't help solve them, then at least we would work out a strategy, a way forward ...... That is not possible any longer, and that's why, every now and again, I feel trapped by so many things I cannot change: the compulsive behaviour, the soiled clothes, the spoilt and broken things in the house, the lack of comprehension, the crushing responsibility. Yesterday, even the rustling of his incontinence pants made me feel on edge.
Two things help me snap out of my mysery: I remind myself that it is much worse for my husband - he has absolutely no way out of this at all, he is angry because he doesn't want to be so dependent (when I know I am getting cross I walk away, have a good old screaming fit out of earshot, and walk back into the room a few minutes later for a fresh start with a smile and a clam voice, this usually 'does the trick' for both of us) ......... and the other thing is his smile when he feels relaxed and comfortable!
Sorry, I am not trying to 'preach', just to say that this IS difficult, and I am sure you will find the strength to go on, go back, again and again, because you know that your Mum needs you.
Best wishes!!