Feeling guilty

[Mummysgirl]

I haven't seen or spoken to mom and dad for about a week now. I am really aware that dad is coping with mom and her alzheimers on his own. I work full time and by the time I get home from work, eat dinner and get round to thinking about phoning to see how they are I realise that it's time for mom to go to bed and so it's too late for me to phone.
Dad actually came to the house today while I was at work to check if I was OK and to see why I hadn't been in touch.
I now feel really guilty.
BUT I HAVE A LIFE AS WELL.
He's retired and so has all day, every day to do what he wants. But I have a husband, son, job and house to run.
I feel so selfish and guilty, but also feel that I need my life.
Sometimes I just want to scream
Does anyone else feel like this?
x

 

[MGB]

Dont feel like that you have to think of your life first its hard but you do.

 

[TinaT]

It is very hard to get the balance right when you have so many commitments. Perhaps if you put something on a regular footing with them it would help, say you call immediately after work and spend half an hour with them once or twice a week.

Once you got into a regular routine, then perhaps you could manage all your commitments better.

xxTinaT

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

I am really aware that dad is coping with mom and her alzheimers on his own.

Who is supporting your father? Is all the support in place that is available to him.

A phone call is great support and just hearing your voice could keep your dad going for days.

Do you take the children to see their grandparents? As Tina says once you have established a routine it should be easier to stick to and you will feel more happy in yourself and not be thinking every day, I should really be phoning dad.

He's retired and so has all day, every day to do what he wants

To be fair I don't think that you will find there are many carers who are hands on 24/7 that find this is the case.
Many of us struggle to get time to do what we want most of the time.

I do appreciate that you have your own life and that has to come first, but your dad may need to share some of his problems and would probably love to share them with you. I think you will find it a rewarding experience if you allow him the time.

Please take care

 

[Margaret W]

Don't feel guilty, you are doing your best. If you can spare a few minutes a couple of times a week, as Tina says, a few minutes can make a big difference. Or could you ring in your lunch hour? Towards the end of it, then you have an excuse to go.

Love

Margaret

 

[scared daughter]

Oh I feel just like you do, torn by damands and knwoing I have commitments which I have to fulfill.

My dad died a while ago so my mum is on her "own" she is a very social creature always has been so is surrounded by many many friends, and my inlaws are close by.

Its really really difficult, when your "normal" life is so busy and full of commitments, for us it takes a good two ours drive to get to my mums, which adds to the dilema.

I think making a routine of happy visits is how we are approaching this, we have my inlaws we can stay at, and we can take mum out for lunch (to feed her) and make sure her home is ok. I am trying to make this feel not like it is taking my normal life off me, just focusing my planning around seeing mum.

I am trying to make it so my younger child has a pleasant time when they see her, plus my mum is much much happier when she sees her.

 

[Notwaving]

I used to think 'Oh I can't face ringing her' It felt like opening Pandora's box. It hangs over you like a black cloud knowing you should ring but not wanting to hear the tale of woe.
It's like a lot of things in life, the reality is never as bad as what you imagine. O.K. sometimes when I ring it's all misery but sometimes she quite cheery.
You need a plan. My sister and I have a rota. So at least you know what days you have off.
What I have learn't from this site is 1) You need to be informed 2) You need to do as much as you can do, not what you think you should do.3) Ask for help 4)You are not alone ,theres a whole army of us out there.
Above all look for the laughs, My Mum said she couldn't walk very well she had got both legs ,down one leg hole of her knickers. We both had a laugh about that one

 

[BeverleyY]

Can't you call him in your lunch break, or on the way to or from work.

We're all different I guess, but I manage to have a full time job which involves travelling all over the UK and I have 2 children and my Dad who has alzheimers lives with us.

My husband and I manage to juggle it all with Dad living here AND we still manage to have a life.

Can't you just find one 5 minute slot in your day somewhere to call your Dad, just to let him know you are there for him (or at least to create the impression you are).

 

[Daisy Jane]

Hi,

I recognise the guilt you are feeling in this respect, and it is really hard to juggle everything. My dad also cares for my mum (and has done for 11 years) and he took early retirement to do so. During my working day, I have often realised that I intended phoning Dad, just to say hi, but that I was so wrapped up in work that the day had gone - yes, huge guilt feelings!

Now that my mum is so far along, and my dad is still caring, I do all I can to make sure a phone call happens, just to let him know I'm thinking about him. I, like you, found that once I got home there was little chance to call, and often it was bedtime before I realised it. That was when I started ringing from work at lunch time - and now that my mum can't communicate with him, it means that he doesn't go through the day without a chat with someone who can respond.

My sister uses her hands-free and talks to Dad on the way home every evening. Like Beverly says, we are all different, and it's about finding the right way for you and your family.

And remember, you care and are doing the best you can - if you look for it, the way to manage will be found. It's important for your dad to know you're there, but it is also important for you to find a way to avoid the feelings of guilt, they can be so destructive!

take care
Daisy Jane
xx

 

[donkey]

i would agree with beverley i also have fulltime job a husband and father with dementia, but just phoning my dad once a day helps him so much or very often he will phone me first could you suggest this to your dad. i just phone any time of day when work allows and then speak at night xx

 

[patriciaann]

Wider implications of caring responsibilities

I've recently written about some consequences of the time demands of caring: see http://www.emptyplatestomorrow.com/2010/05/03/time-to-care/

 

[Mummysgirl]

Thank you all for your comments. I went to see mom and dad last night and, like you've said, it wasn't as bad as the thought of it was!
I've been thinking a lot about your comments and have spoken to my husband - I was rushing home from work to spend time with him but have agreed that I will call in to mom and dads on the way home instead, even if it's just half an hour. Or I will ring whenever I get chance.
I think the time has come for me to appreciate the time I have with mom while she is still lucid because I don't know how long that will carry on for.
Once again, thank you all for your comments, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Love to all
x

 

[wiggy]

Dea Mummys Girl,

It is hard to fit everything into our busy lifes, but i think you have hit the nail on the head with your comment" its time to apprecite time with mum". Those words are so true,we must cherish those good times because you just dont know what the future will bring. Good luck x

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Hello Mummysgirl,
You probably have no idea how much difference this will make to your parents lives. Personally I think it is a wonderful decision and that you will benefit equally as much as they will.

I really wish you all the best and inner peace whilst supporting your lovely parents.

Take care x

 

[maryw]

Hello mummysgirl,

I really admire you too for that decision. It will make a lot of difference to all of you. I was a carer for my Mum for a number of years, whilst working full time (but being self-employed, some flexibility in hours). My husband fully supported me in the time I spent with my Mum and he too used to visit her once he'd retired. I also learnt to ask for help when needed and we worked out a rota with other carers.

Good luck and let us know how you get on xx

 

[Daisy Jane]

Great to hear you have a plan, mummysgirl! A real step forward

And an extra bonus for your mum and dad, as well as seeing/speaking to you often, they will get the great benefit of looking forward to seeing you because they will know when to expect you - how lovely for them!

Also, you will probably find that the time you spend when you get home will be so much more focused on other parts of your life.

Hope the practicalities of it work out - good luck and let us know!
xx

 

[lin1]

Hello.

It's not easy juggling working,family and caring.

Im so glad you have found a way, you will never regret it.

Your Dad in time may need more and more support and now im sure you will find a way

I think you were trying 2 bury your head in the sand, like I did a few yrs ago, so your not alone in this k.

I also think you very brave coming here as you didn't know what reaction you would get from us,
Please let us know how it goes.