Choosing a Care Home for Dad.

[SallyB]

Choosing a Care home

Thanks again everyone,

Angel, what is the care home booklet that you mentioned with the questions in?

I am going to look at a brand new purpose built home tomorrow. The only reason I have chosen this one to go to first is because it is empty! I am a chicken and want to see a home without people in it first! My Oh is coming with me and so to is my sister I think. won't be easy being with her as we don't really get on nowadays. Today she is asking me about keeping Dad at home and having live in carers for him. She is scared that he will forget who she is, she only manages to see him for half an hour each week at the moment and is always in a rush. I guess they are her demons that she will have to deal with.

I have no worries about Dad forgetting who I am, of course I know it may come with this awful disease but I know he won't be forgetting me because he never sees me.

Sally

 

[jarnee]

SallyB

Phone Leics social services and ask them for their "Directory of Care Homes" and they will send it to you. Its really useful. My other post explains what it does.

Good luck

Jarnee
X

 

[Angel]

Care Home Questions

As Jarnee says your local county council will have a Guide to Residential Care which should have the leaflet of questions you need. However, you can check out the questions in Hampshire's book on-line on

www.hants.gov.uk/socservs/resicare/checlist.html

Before my mother went into a home, I got her going to the local Day Centre three times a week which was absolutely great and to the local lunch club twice a week, both of which supplied transport. During those hours, at least I could relax and know she was safe! Also I had carers coming in twice a day to get her up and put her to bed and small meals at those times.Talk to Age Concern too who may provide extra help. They supplied a cleaner for my mother which relieved me of that extra task that I had been doing for a few years. Otherwise she would not have changed her sheets, washed her clothes etc or cleaned her flat. The other thing I did which I wish I had done sooner, I got my mother a phone with large memory buttons and stuck labels on with my name and one of my sisters. That way my mum didn't keep dialling the wrong numbers and bothering others. Also get your dad on Telephone Preference Service so he can't be bothered by salesmen and say yes to them, You have to protect him. And definitely get power of attorney now -talk to Citizens Advice Bureau. Are you claiming Attendance Allowance for instance at £40 pw approx? CAB will help you fill out the form.

Regarding your sister. This whole Alzheimers business can tear families apart. I shall continue to see as much as my mother as I'm sure it helps stimulate her although she forgets I've visited or that she has had lunch here. However, she is remembering new things like landmarks on the route from the home to here, things that I have told her recently and she has not deteriorated as much as I thought she would. She knows us all especially the ones who live near her. It is wearing when you think you are doing everything yourself and having to take care of your own family and job. I don't get too involved with any other things like committees etc as I have needed to drop everything at short notice in the past for my mother. However, you do need respite whether it be a day out shopping or playing a sport as I do to clear my mind for a while.

I love looking at a photo album with my mum or doing her nails-calming for me and her!

Keep in touch and try and get your sleep,
God bless.A

 

[Dave W]

Just a small comment

Sally

forgive me dropping in mid-thread. While I can entirely understand why you want to see a home with no-one in it first, it may not be as helpful an ideas you think (though I understand entirely why you want to start that way). Yes, the facilities, the state of the place (it'll be new, so it'll be immaculate) are all important. Having visited 17 before picking one for my Mum, I came to realise that it's the staff, their approach to care, and the feel of the place that are actually probably the most important. Hard as it is to put yourself into the right midset for the job, you are picking someonwhere that will be your relative's home and also somewhere where you feel they'll be looked after well. Most visits I arranged in advance (not too long in advance, so there's not too much chance to tidy up!), and a member of staff was there to show us round and answer questions - don't feel afriad you'll be abandoned with a room full of residents - the staff know that wouldn't be fair to either them or to you.

I'm sure the checklists will be really helpful - I'd have been lost without the one from Surrey, which was really useful - but as someone here said to me, you also have to use your instinct. The chcklist will weedle out some non-runners, after that your feelings about the place and how you feel your relative will fit in really do matter. (Mum is getting on really well with the staff in her home, who all seem very fond of her, so I'd like to give myself at least a fleeting pack on the back for that one!)

Good luck, and please let us all know how you're getting on.

Dave

 

[Dave W]

And one quick second thought

Do use the lists and ask questions - some homes do sometimes let a resident keep a pet, so all might not be lost. My Mum is also devoted to her dog (always meant far more to her than I did, and I wish I was joking!), but her dog now lives with friends of ours a few miles away. Once a forthnight or so, we take the dog in to see her or take her out for a walk with the dog in the nearby park. If a home wouldn't let you at least visit a resident and bring their dog to see them, I'd be very dubious about how caring a home it is. They have to cope with far more than dog fur on a daily basis, so if they can't cope with that ...

 

[SallyB]

Hi Dave, Thanks for your comments but it is too late!!!

I went to look at the new home today. Don't know what is going to happen now. I need to start looking at homes with people in them!

Dad is adament that he is not going anywhere without his dog and it's not possible for me to have her.

My sister and partner were with me today. somehow we ended up choosing a room to hold with no obligations. Now I feel awful. Have to go and see the home that they are moving from to see what I think about the staff and the care they provide etc.

I didn't like the chairs in the 'Cafe' that they have for residents to sit on. Although they did say that he could have a different one if he carn't get out of them.

Don't know how I am going to get through this, I was in tears looking round an empty home!


Sally

 

[Dave W]

Hi Sally

From my own journey through the dementia so far, this is one of the hardest stages for the carer - you're having to make huge decisions you don't feel capable of making and it all feels impossible at first. I found that it gets eier once you're 'into the swing of it'. We got put waiting lists anywhere we felt was tolerable, just because we were under pressure to find a place at the time. (Mum subsequently had physical issues for a while that meant we could have taken months.) I think what I'm saying is 'don't feel rushed - you have to make the right choice, not just the first one'. The feedback you et from questions to staff was one of the biggest factors to me - the aff at our chosen home were very helpful, kind, reassuring to us and sympathetic to *our* situation as well as Mum's.

Homes with people in them aren't as scary as you're probably imagining. If they are scary, then they're the wrong place. But do look at how active or engaged in the world they seem - a good home should be encouraging each resident to have some activity in their life for stimulation (Mum is no less confused, but considerably brighter a healthier since moving in, and much more conversational then when in hospital - she has people to interact with and the stimulation of things to do.)

DOn't know what else to suggest on the dog - do you have any friends who might be able to take her in so she's still 'accessible' to Dad (even if it's taking the dog to him)?

And above all, try to get some rest and relaxation during this period - it's very easy to get very hyper and stressed, but it won't help in the long run.

Take care, and good luck.

 

[Angel]

Sally,

Dave B has such a good point about not going immediately with an uninhabited home. Still, at least you have started the process. But I agree with Dave that in the end you go with your instinct and ltrying to find out other people's experience with that home. You might meet some relations there at the time whom you can ask. As a retired nurse, I imagine you will be able to suss out how caring the staff are. I always believe if there is a good person at the top (manager hopefully with nursing experience), then the rest will follow. Please visit several then you have something with which to compare each of them. I was lucky. I had a lot of feedback from the one I looked at first and chose. As Dave said, do not be rushed or hassled into any decision. Dave is so right in saying it is not as bad as you think visiting homes, and you'll certainly know the ones you DON'T want for your Dad. Poor you, we know what you're going through. Love, A.

 

[Angel]

For Dave B read Dave W-oops!!

 

[Norman]

Hi Sally
I am going through similar problems as you at the moment.
Have you tried the CSCI SITE ? http://www.csci.org.uk/choose_and_find_care/search_the_list_of_care_homes.aspx.
You can search for homes in your area and get reports about them.
Gives some idea what they are like.
Norman