What is the ******* point?

[Rosalind]

I have just made the 50 mile round trip to see my husband, who has vascular dementia, in the nursing home he has been in for 15 months. Found him in another resident's room, so said words to the effect of 'Hello, what are you doing in here?' Response was a snarl, to the effect of why shouldn't he be there, so I said it was someone else's room, and they might not like it, but it was no big deal. At that he told me to go away, and shut up.
Took the package of shoes, socks and toiletries I had brought in for him to one of the nurses, and returned. Pointed out that I had come to see him, and thought he might like that. Was told to Eff off.
He does not know who I am, and clearly does not appreciate being visited! Yet if I don't go (and I am not that frequent a visitor these days) I feel guilty. He is obviously in some hellish dream world.
At the end of our exchange, he stamped off down the corridor and was last seen going into another room saying crossly 'What ARE you trying to do?' to someone.
I'm not expecting anyone to come up with a constructive reply - I can either feel guilty, or go and see him and come away feeling angry. It has helped to get it off my chest.

 

[Izzy]

I feel for you. Izzy x

 

[danny]

I do too,for the both of you,trapped in a world none of you should be in.

 

[Nan2seven]

Oh, Rosalind, what a sad post. My husband, too, has vascular dementia and he can be a right grump at times, argumentative, with flashes of anger and the occasional threat. I have just poured my heart out in my diary literally minutes ago before logging on here: he has not known who I am this morning and has argued with me fiercely that I was not his wife. That was about two hours ago. He now knows me, but not his own home. Thinks it is a beach hut - where we spent the morning before coming home to lunch.

But how frustrating for you to make such a long trip to see your husband (and hope to get some sort of greeting) and have him treat you the way he did. At the risk of sounding a bit hackneyed, my heart goes out to you. I do hope there are days, visits, when he DOES know you and you can have at least a bit of an exchange with each other. Can offer only lots and lots of sympathy and hope you can try to put the memory of this particular visit up on a top shelf somewhere and forget about it.

Love, Nan XXX

 

[jenniferpa]

Rosalind, I feel for you as well.

I have wondered how you were doing. I know it's no point in saying "don't feel guilty" but really, "don't feel guilty". Go as frequently or as infrequently as you can handle and be relieved when you have done it. He is as he is, personality, dementia, whatever, and nothing you did or can do can change that.

Take care of yourself

 

[connie]

What a really sad situation you are both in Rosalind, and all down to the illness of course.

Please try not to use the word guilty, or feel that way. You have always done your best.

Remorseful, saddened, regretful perhaps for things that might have been, not guilty.

Thinking of you both.

 

[Lynne]

Dear Rosalind, I'm sorry to learn you got such a hostile 'reception', so dispiriting, & I completely understand why it would discourage you from going any more frequently than you do.

What I didn't "get" from your post was whether your husband ever recognises you, and may therefore be saying these things to you, or if he's just hostile & grumpy with everyone regardless and you happened to walk into the firing line? (please forgive me if this has been covered in previous threads )

Whatever, I will say "Don't feel guilty", because you've suffered enough today without any self-inflicted stress.
I think it's about time for you to see if there's a tub of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer as the sun has been shining today, or perhaps open a bottle of wine as the weekend's here.

 

[jenniferpa]

I've thought of something else - you say your options are go and feel angry or stay away and feel guilty. I think you have to work out which has more impact on your life. Personally, I find angry is easier to deal with as being less personally corrosive, but YMMV.

Take care

 

[Lynne]

... but YMMV.

?????????? Jennifer ???

 

[jenniferpa]

Sorry - YMMV - your mileage may vary.

 

[larivy]

sorry you had such a bad visit it must be very hard sending you a hug larivy

 

[Michele]

Hi Rosalind.

I just wanted to send you a really big (((((((hug))))))

Love
Michele
xxx

 

[Helen33]

I know if I'd made a 50 mile round trip and received that kind of reception, I'd be really grumpy myself. I hope you have some special moments at times when you visit and that it is not like this all the time.

Love

 

[christine_batch]

Hi Rosalind,

My husband did not know I was his wife nor my name for six years, just the lovely lady who looked after him.

When the Consultant placed Peter in a E.M.I. Unit which was like a five star hotel, only five minutes from me. No recognation, watching him animated with the Carers', never even noticing I was going. I even got to the stage where I was jealous of the attention he was given the Carers'.

I just use to sit in my car have a dammed good cry, smoke a couple of cigarettes (non smoker before A.D.) then drive home.

Visiting use to be very frequent but as time went on I could not face going as many times a week. I soon got over the guilt monster because I knew Peter was receiving brilliant care.

At the end of the day, it hurt so much then had to learn to accept it as the illness and not my soul-mate.

Take care
Christine

 

[wispa]

What does this illness do to us all.

It churns up our feelings on a constant basis and leaves us all feeling so hurt.

After a visit to my Mums today I can certainly relate to your ...
"What is the ******* Point"

A big ((((((Hug))))))) to you Rosalind, please put that Guilt Monster away and enjoy your life.......yes it's your life too you know and you deserve to be happy.

XXX

 

[Rosalind]

Thanks everyone. Frankly, visiting is never rewarding, which is some ways is a relief, as he really does not care at all that I have appeared. We will sit down in his room, and I make remarks that mean nothing to him, as he cannot remember who I am talking about. I have tried taking in photograph albums, or books with pictures of places he has been to (he was a great traveller) but questions like 'You've been to Egypt, haven't you' are not answered. Normally, after a very short time, he says something about 'I've got to ..... ' vaguely suggesting an appointment he is off to, and he leaves the room. I sit and do the crossword, and if he has not come back within 30 minutes I go.
If I ask him who I am,he gets cross as I suspect he feels he should know, but at a recent review meeting the social worker also asked who the lady sitting beside him was he said he did not know. A few weeks ago a cheery nurse, who helped me track down where he was (yet another resident's room) said 'Look, here's your wife! Isn't she looking smart today?' his response was 'No.'
So I do not go very often now, but do feel it is my duty to check up that he is OK. The nursing home is very good, and the feeling of relief as I drive away is immense. But the whole situation is horrible. I don't like living alone, although that is far, far better than with him in the last years he was at home, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I was flooded the December before last, and having to deal with that on my own was one of the loneliest things ever. I do have friends, and they were wonderful, but it is not the same as having a partner.

 

[Izzy]

It must be so hard Rosalind. I can relate to what you say about having to cope with major things by yourself. We are nowhere near where you are as my husband is still capable of many things, but becoming less so. Reading your posts projects me into the future. I don't know how I would cope with visits like yours. Take care of yourself. Izzy x

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Rosalind:
What a wretched illness we are coping with

I am so sorry to hear about your visits and how your husband is reacting to you. I feel you are doing the right thing. In the same circs. I would also do a duty visit to check but in the meantime live your own life as fully as possible. Have you considered that his behaviour with you is a manifestation of his own frustration?

That is so easy to say, isn't it? My husband is in a NH and although he can be crochety he does recognise me (most of the time!). I see you had a flood crisis and I agree with you, at these times

it is not the same as having a partner.

Your sadness at this awful situation is apparent - please post and share with similar folk here on TP.

 

[Sam Iam]

Roslind, (((((HUGS))))) XXX

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Rosalind,

You say the Nursing Home is very good. In your circumstances I would cut down on the visits even more and make telephone checks to see that your husband is keeping well.

I am more worried that you do sound lonely. I imagine it would be like pulling oneself up by one's own bootstraps, but have you joined any evening classes (or day-time ones), or local societies? Genealogy, gardening, writing/reading books and/or poetry? Something where you would meet up with people with a similar interest? Whatever you do, however, do keep posting here at TP. I only joined in April of last year and it has been a huge help to me. Do post again.

Thinking of you and sending love,
Nan XXX