….I have also not seen many comments from people who are trying to support carers.
My wife has asked me to look at these message boards (and no I don’t think she is a useless daughter at all) so that I can see how many people care for their loved ones at home and manage OK and in much worse circumstances that we would be a present. She thinks her father should come to live with us and I am totally against it for so many reasons and she thinks I am being selfish. Also let me say at this stage that I have the utmost admiration for those of you who do this difficult job.
My FIL has Alzheimer’s and has been showing symptoms for at least five years. He was formally diagnosed about a year ago. He has now got to the stage were his short term memory is practically non existent but before he reached this stage we tried very hard to get him to move nearer to us (he currently lives about 200 miles away). We were adamant that it would have to be warden assisted because apart from us he knows no one locally and we needed to be sure that someone was keeping an eye on him on the days when we could not get there. He was totally against this as he had no intention of going into one of “those places”. He did agree to look at some properties, flats and bungalows, but could not be persuaded that it would be a good idea. My wife works part time and would have been able to call in most days.
So we are now at that very difficult stage were she thinks it is her duty to have him here and I will not agree. I do agree that he cannot stay where he is for much longer because he just cannot manage and is desperately lonely. We have hardly spoken for a week and thus her suggestion of my putting my views on this forum for comment so that I can see it can be done. I have to say that in nearly 40 years of marriage we have never been like this with each other before and I just hate it but I also feel very strongly about it.
I have just retired after working since I was 14. In recent years I have had to work overseas at times and now I have retired I want to enjoy my home and my garden and my life with my wife. I know that sounds selfish but FIL’s mother lived with Alzheimers until she was 99 so if FIL does the same it could be for 8 or 9 years. By that time I will be nearly 70 and too late to do the things we want to do with our lives. My grandfather, father and one uncle did not live long enough to retire and I have always been determined that if I made if this far I would make the most of it.
I know none of this is FILs fault and this is a dreadful disease. However, he has got to the stage where he cannot be left alone in our house at all because he gets confused about where he is. He does not like us having friends in because he cannot cope with the noise and activity. So, in effect we would be trapped at home. My wife has said I should do the travelling, but I don’t want to do it on my own. We love music and have the radio or CD playing most of the time when at home but when FIL is here he doesn’t like it (he is deaf and it messes with his hearing aids) so we have to sit in silence. The last time he was here I found myself standing in the kitchen on my own just so I could listen to my programmes. If we have the TV on he never wants to watch what we want to and if we give him the remote it goes channel 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1,2, 3,4,5 and round and round and round until I can’t stand it anymore. I’m sorry to rant on but I just can’t see how we can all live like this. I don’t believe it is fair on any of us.
FIL is of course getting worse and still living on his own. He has carers in twice and day and meals on wheels. His son lives nearby and sees him three times a week and we visit for a weekend every month when we spend the time cleaning, doing general maintenance and in the summer doing the garden because FIL refuses to have a cleaner or gardener. My BIL has three children and cannot possibly fit in any more help than he currently gives. Something will have to change soon because it is my belief that the stress of all this will give my wife a stroke or heart attack if not a nervous breakdown. It breaks my heart to see what she is going through. She is like a cat on hot bricks when the phone rings and when we go out she constantly checks her mobile to make she no one is trying to contact her about her dad. When we have been on holiday we are always looking for internet cafes so that she can check her emails. We can’t go on like this and it is my belief that FIL should go into a residential facility where we can be sure he is safe and has company. We would still see him just as much, probably more because we would not be working all the time when visiting. I would also be able to give more attention to my own mother who luckily is very well but of course not getting any younger, just like the rest of us.
I read on one of these threads that life does not come with any guarantees and he cannot always have what we want. My life experiences with my own family taught me this long ago and my philosophy has always been that life should be lived every day – before it is too late. We also need to ensure that FIL is as happy (although he hasn’t been that since his wife died whatever we try to do) and cared for.
So, there you have it. I have promised to take all comments on board and if it turns out that you all think I am being selfish then I will have to have a serious rethink. I look forward to your comments whether you think it is what I want to hear or not.
Love and strength to all the wonderful carers out there.
Keith
My wife has asked me to look at these message boards (and no I don’t think she is a useless daughter at all) so that I can see how many people care for their loved ones at home and manage OK and in much worse circumstances that we would be a present. She thinks her father should come to live with us and I am totally against it for so many reasons and she thinks I am being selfish. Also let me say at this stage that I have the utmost admiration for those of you who do this difficult job.
My FIL has Alzheimer’s and has been showing symptoms for at least five years. He was formally diagnosed about a year ago. He has now got to the stage were his short term memory is practically non existent but before he reached this stage we tried very hard to get him to move nearer to us (he currently lives about 200 miles away). We were adamant that it would have to be warden assisted because apart from us he knows no one locally and we needed to be sure that someone was keeping an eye on him on the days when we could not get there. He was totally against this as he had no intention of going into one of “those places”. He did agree to look at some properties, flats and bungalows, but could not be persuaded that it would be a good idea. My wife works part time and would have been able to call in most days.
So we are now at that very difficult stage were she thinks it is her duty to have him here and I will not agree. I do agree that he cannot stay where he is for much longer because he just cannot manage and is desperately lonely. We have hardly spoken for a week and thus her suggestion of my putting my views on this forum for comment so that I can see it can be done. I have to say that in nearly 40 years of marriage we have never been like this with each other before and I just hate it but I also feel very strongly about it.
I have just retired after working since I was 14. In recent years I have had to work overseas at times and now I have retired I want to enjoy my home and my garden and my life with my wife. I know that sounds selfish but FIL’s mother lived with Alzheimers until she was 99 so if FIL does the same it could be for 8 or 9 years. By that time I will be nearly 70 and too late to do the things we want to do with our lives. My grandfather, father and one uncle did not live long enough to retire and I have always been determined that if I made if this far I would make the most of it.
I know none of this is FILs fault and this is a dreadful disease. However, he has got to the stage where he cannot be left alone in our house at all because he gets confused about where he is. He does not like us having friends in because he cannot cope with the noise and activity. So, in effect we would be trapped at home. My wife has said I should do the travelling, but I don’t want to do it on my own. We love music and have the radio or CD playing most of the time when at home but when FIL is here he doesn’t like it (he is deaf and it messes with his hearing aids) so we have to sit in silence. The last time he was here I found myself standing in the kitchen on my own just so I could listen to my programmes. If we have the TV on he never wants to watch what we want to and if we give him the remote it goes channel 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1,2, 3,4,5 and round and round and round until I can’t stand it anymore. I’m sorry to rant on but I just can’t see how we can all live like this. I don’t believe it is fair on any of us.
FIL is of course getting worse and still living on his own. He has carers in twice and day and meals on wheels. His son lives nearby and sees him three times a week and we visit for a weekend every month when we spend the time cleaning, doing general maintenance and in the summer doing the garden because FIL refuses to have a cleaner or gardener. My BIL has three children and cannot possibly fit in any more help than he currently gives. Something will have to change soon because it is my belief that the stress of all this will give my wife a stroke or heart attack if not a nervous breakdown. It breaks my heart to see what she is going through. She is like a cat on hot bricks when the phone rings and when we go out she constantly checks her mobile to make she no one is trying to contact her about her dad. When we have been on holiday we are always looking for internet cafes so that she can check her emails. We can’t go on like this and it is my belief that FIL should go into a residential facility where we can be sure he is safe and has company. We would still see him just as much, probably more because we would not be working all the time when visiting. I would also be able to give more attention to my own mother who luckily is very well but of course not getting any younger, just like the rest of us.
I read on one of these threads that life does not come with any guarantees and he cannot always have what we want. My life experiences with my own family taught me this long ago and my philosophy has always been that life should be lived every day – before it is too late. We also need to ensure that FIL is as happy (although he hasn’t been that since his wife died whatever we try to do) and cared for.
So, there you have it. I have promised to take all comments on board and if it turns out that you all think I am being selfish then I will have to have a serious rethink. I look forward to your comments whether you think it is what I want to hear or not.
Love and strength to all the wonderful carers out there.
Keith