A life in the day of.........................

[Bookworm]

Very hard for you dear Sylvia. While acknowledging that, not minimising it in any way.....just wondering if I might look at any positives there are?

You now get more time for uninterrupted sleep. You are finding new ways to occupy and feed yourself. You have more time for your family, esp grandson. Your back is safe. Dhiren is safe. Already you find you could not have coped with mobility issues. Spring & Summer are coming. You are at the start of a journey of learning to look after & nourish your own health.

Is it possible to see this from his viewpoint - you come - this has attractive possibilities - more attention, requests being met immediately, food more exactly to his liking, someone there at 2 minutes notice 24/7. Does he express these views when you are not there? Very doubtful. Is he content in between visits - there is ample evidence that he is e.g. from how well he seems, & what the staff report.

Like in the early days of dementia you have to choose to get on with the new stage (what I am learning to do because there is no choice) - you can make the choice to expect these sad comments and manage them, channel them.

I guess the compassionate communication might come in handy - I can't fill in all the gaps but something like this??

`I`m so tired.`.............so you didn't sleep well last night?
`I`m not well`.......I'm very sorry to hear that
`This is not the right place for me`.......there is something not right about this place?
`This place is full of riff raff`.......what I love about you is your intelligence and breeding and the talents you have......
`I`d like to stay with you for 30 weeks`........thank you for showing how much you love me from what you say

I've no idea if anything I've said may help - but I wish I could do this kind of thing better myself!! I pray some tiny thing here may help, love, Sue xox

 

[Nan2seven]

Oh, Sylvia, so unexpected and pretty close to heartbreaking for you, I imagine. Perhaps it was a touch of his old sundowning, or perhaps he was just a bit low and knew he could "unload" on you but not on some member of the care home staff.

I do hope you are not feeling too down this evening. (Shall we be down together? Brian spent most of Sunday night walking the corridors, apparently, unsettled and looking for me.) Let's hope that the next time you go - on a morning visit - dear Dhiren will be more like his old self, glad to hear your voice and beaming when he sees you coming to join him.

Thinking of you and sending love, Nan XXX

 

[TinaT]

Dear Sylvia,

I would definately keep to the morning visits. There is nothing worse in my experience than having the kind of visit you have just had. I feel almost physically ill after such visits.

xxTinaT

 

[Mo_N]

Sorry today was not a good one.

Find something this evening , TV, DVD, anything that makes you laugh so you go to bed with a smile

Next visit will be better

Sending a big ((HUG))

Mo
x

 

[donkey]

me too sending you a hug sylvia please dont be disheartened it might be dhiran is getting an infection of some sort, im sure tomorrow will be better, when ever dave is misserable and low it really affects how i feel too. take care xxx

 

[larivy]

sorry you had a bad visit perhaps Dhirin just had Monday Blues it must be hard for you hope your next visit is a better one love larivy

 

[living in hope]

Hi Sylvia
Sorry today's visit was not a positive one, due to Brians communication problems he rarely mentions home, but I sometimes get the feeling he is thinking about it, no easy answers but I send my best wishes to you both.
Love
Lorraine

 

[susiesue]

Sorry to hear about your last visit with Dhiren - I think maybe you got lulled into a false sense of security as the previous visits had been so pleasant.

I am sure it is just a blip and maybe Dhiren was just having a bad day, but I can understand how upsetting it must have been for you as you weren't expecting it.

As you have told me on many occasions the only predictable thing about dementia is its unpredictability and I think that maybe as you haven't been living with it for a while it was a bit of a shock.

Sleep well Sylvia

Love

 

[Grannie G]

Thanks everyone for all your supportive posts. You are all so kind and I know you have your own heartaches.
Even though I tried to prepare myself for a `blip` it still affected me more than I should have let it. I have been weepy all evening, trying to distract myself with the soaps . But all I could think of were the tears, all I could see in my mind`s eye were Dhiren`s lips and whole body trembling as the tears fell the minute he saw me.
There is no alternative and I`ll have to learn to get used to it but it was tough today.

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Dearest Sylvia,
I am so sorry you had to experience a sad visit today. I can fully appreciate how you must feel and just want to give you the biggest (((hug))) ever. It is heart breaking to read for me let alone experience it for you.
I truly hope your next visit is better, You may get more used to it, but I don't suppose it will every get easy even though you know in your heart than Dhiren is safe and well looked after there.
My husband too had a bad day. I went to a carers meeting just 5 minutes from here, but had to come home as the sitter rang to say my husband was terribly distressed and he was, he was sobbing when I got home and asked me never to leave him ever again. Bless him. God it makes you feel terrible.
Hope you can have a good nights sleep and have a much better day tomorrow.
Love Win x

 

[Grannie G]

Thanks Winnie.

It puts it into perspective. Your husband was distressed in his own home, mine was distressed in a care home.
We were both there to wipe away the tears. I suppose my upset carried on into the evening because he wasn`t with me. Something else I have to accept.

It`s strange. My house is so cold tonight because the boiler has broken down. I have only just appreciated how nice and warm Dhiren is in the home, and how miserable he would be if he was home with me and freezing.

 

[jenniferpa]

Just a sec. Is that that heating system you had put in, when was it, in 2008? That really has been nothing but trouble. Are you fighting again about who should be servicing it?

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Well done Sylvia, you are already much more positive.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Love Win x

 

[Grannie G]

Is that that heating system you had put in, when was it, in 2008?

It`s the same Jennifer. What a memory you have. I had to look up the date of installation. They are coming tomorrow. [I hope]
According to the display alarm light, it overheated. I leave it on permanently and use the Thermostat to switch it on and off rather than the clock. Perhaps it`s not the best thing to do.

 

[Grannie G]

Tomorrow will be a better day.

It will have to be Winnie. I have to stay in from 8am till 6pm for the heating engineer.

 

[Bookworm]

Have you any means to warm up tonight? e.g. electric blanket, hot water for shower/bath, electric oven?......sorry to hear you are so cold, x

PS brings a new tone to the comment "just chill out"!!

 

[Grannie G]

Have you any means to warm up tonight

I have a gas fire in the living room but it`s new and faulty.
I have an oil filled heater in the bedroom and two hot water bottles in the bed.
I have a kettle for a wash.
I`m sitting at the computer wrapped in fleeces I bought for Dhiren.
To think we all lived without Central Heating at one time and it was said the coldest place in the world is an English bedroom.

 

[Lynne]

Oh dear Sylvia, from the (emotional) frying pan into the 'fridge, eh?

If the c.h. system is thermostatically controlled, that in itself should prevent it 'overheating'; I'm pretty sure it's nothing you've done wrong, so don't even think that way
(especially out loud to the engineer!). Last time mine went wrong it turned out to be a little electronic part the size of a sugar cube, worth about 50p.
Quickly & easily fixed, fongers crissed that yours is similar.

Hope you are warmly tucked up in the land of nod right now anyway, I woke up at 4am with my mind racing so thought I might as well get a headstart on the day!
Washing hair next, then renew car tax & driving licence (both on-line), phone AA with a membership query when they wake up, phone bank to order in some Euros for a forthcoming short holiday, write a long-overdue o) letter to my brother in Australia (he doesn't do email ; his wife does but that's not the same thing at all, I find )

Love x

 

[scarletpauline]

Dear Sylvia, you have had a rough couple of days, I hope the heating engineer calls early so you can get out, and that it isn't much wrong at all, and that dear Dhiren is happier next time you see him. Big hugs and love from Pauline xxx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Good morning Sylvia, I hope you weren't too cold last night and that the engineer comes promptly today to fix the boiler. As you say, it's good that Dhiren wasn't there. I'm sure he would have been well and truly out of sorts with the low temperature!

Good luck for today.
x