will mom recognise my sister?

[poppy01]

Hi all..

My mom is in the later stages of AD..she recognises myself and my sister and my dad..at the moment..even tho sometimes when I have been..she has smiled at me..given me a kiss..and then she sits and stares and frowns at me..I presume she is trying to work out who I am..and that hurts...but what I want to know..if anyone can give me an answer..is this summertime..my sister is due to visit from abroad...my sister is older than me..now she hasnt visited mom here for over 5yrs..mom wasnt too bad when she last came to UK..but obviously mom has deteriorated tremendously in those 5yrs...my sister knows this as we keep in touch a couple of times a week..but what I want to know..is will my mom recognise my sister do you think? I am really worrying about this for some reason...I have tried to prepare my sister for the 'shock' of seeing mom..but it not being mom..so to speak....and I think she is also apprehensive of moms reaction to her...I keep telling mom that she is coming to see her in the summertime..sometimes she has no idea who I am on about..and another time her little face will light up..and I think then she knows my other sister..has anyone had any experience of this and if so..how did it go..I know I am asking an impossible question...just wondered thats all...its preying on my mind...

Thanks

Caroline

 

[BeverleyY]

Hi

I guess there is no way of knowing really.

My Dad is only in the moderate stages, and sometimes if my sister turns up when we haven't told him she is coming he doesn't recognise her at first.

She comes every 3 weeks, but last time she was here it was over an hour before he realised who she was.

Best wishes.

Beverley x

 

[JeanD]

Hello Caroline,

my sister visited my dad after not seeing him for a couple of years. Dad's Alzheimer's was very bad by then, and he did not know his own name (only his army number from 60 years before!). He said he did not know my sister, but sometime during the evening he needed to put his mug down, handed it to her, and said "stick this on the table would you Jane"!

He did a similar thing with me when I had gone to fetch a napkin while leaving him eating tinned peaches in syrup. Despite not knowing my name for months, he shouted after me "come quick Jean, they are all escaping !" The peaches were slithering out of the dish...

I really believe that sometimes dad's conscious mind did not know us, but his sub-conscious one did, and the name came because he was not thinking too hard. I was always sure dad recognized us as belonging to him, even when he could not say who or how.

Part of the confusion too was that he had gone back in time, and could not reconcile thinking he was 25 years old with the middle aged person claiming she was his daughter. One day when I convinced him I really was his daughter, he said "well in that case you better come and sit on my knee". He had managed to overcome the evidence of his eyes, and was a bit cross when I said I would probably flatten him if I did. It was hard to imagine what it was must be like for him, convinced beyond any doubt that he was newly married, with tiny kids, and a young wife - and all these people visiting claiming to be his.

Please don't worry too much about your sister's visit. Your mom may not seem to know her, but I bet on some level she does.

best wishes Jean

 

[Sandy]

Hi Caroline,

I am really worrying about this for some reason

I suppose we all tend to worry about things that we can't do much about, but I do think that an unpredictable illness like dementia can make that tendency worse.

The only advice I can give is to try and let go of worry over those issues that you have no power over - it will just sap you of your energy.

If you feel that you can do some positive things to prepare both parties - looking at photo albums with your mum and talking about your sister, sending your sister some pics of your mum in her new home - then that's fine, you've tried to lay some groundwork.

But so much of what will happen is completely out of your control, but perhaps that is one source of the worry?

Take care,

 

[poppy01]

But so much of what will happen is completely out of your control, but perhaps that is one source of the worry?


Hiya...

Thanks to you all for your advice...

Yes I think maybe you have hit the nail on the head so to speak... I have no control over the situation..and I am a person that likes to plan in advance and cater for any unexpected situations..shall we say... So yes I think yr right..

A lot of what people have said on here when I have asked for advice on various things..has made me take a step back and look at things differently...well not differently..but I have been able to see things in a different light...which sometimes alters the way you do things..

I think some of my problems as well..is that I probably cannot accept that my mom isnt my mom anymore...I thought I could handle it...maybe I was wrong...since mom had to go into hospital cos of the fall a few weeks ago..it has really hit home how bad she is...for some reason when she was at home with dad..I didnt realise it..I knew she was deteriorating fast..but obviously didnt realise how bad things had got..maybe this is where the guilt is coming from..I dont know..

I'm looking forward to my sister coming over to see us..but she is also coming to say 'goodbye' to mom and dad..as she wont be able to make another visit back home to the UK...I am wondering how mom will react to this...and dad too...and also my sister..my sister thinks she is ready for the situation here..I dont think she is..until you can see it with your own eyes..I dont think you can prepare yourself..my other sister who lives here doesnt agree with her coming over here to say her goodbyes...she doesnt think its fair on mom especially..but also dad...its difficult isnt it..what makes it worse is that my two sisters dont get on...they never have...theres a huge age gap for starters..but they just dont see eye to eye with each other..so I can see fun and games in the summertime..

But like you have all said..things are gonna happen..its outta my control..think its time to just 'go with the flow' as they say... (wish I could practise what I preach!!! )

Thanks all..

Caroline

 

[terry999]

Caroline - am in simialr situation. My mum doesn't recognise sister who visits from abroad once a year AT first visit. By 2nd/3rd visits (in short space of time) she knows its her daughter.

Maybe you can send a picture of your mum to your sister - can explain mum's state better.