My 83 year old mother fractured her hip just before Christmas and has severe walking difficulties. Her memory had been degenerating before the accident and we had noticed a dramatic deterioration since her hospital and respite stay. She has now been diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. She is a gentle and sweet soul at the moment, can still recognise her family and remembers a lot of things but will forget obvious things such as not recognising her home when we took her back there for an assessment to see if she could return home. We are debating whether to find a care home for her (my dad is in a nursing home and very happy) or whether she should come and live with me as I work from home. I have 2 teenage children and a part-time business and we could do some work on the house to accomodate her. What are other people's experiences of caring for a dementia sufferer with walking difficulites? Am I taking on too much with 2 children and a business to run? I so desperately want to give her a loving home for her last few years and my sister's and I are struggling to decide if a care home, where she could possibly be with her husband (my dad) is the best solution where we could visit regularly and enjoy her company is best or a home environment where she would feel secure and loved and a part of a family still. Also, what support is available for carers looking after dementia sufferers in their home?
Living with me or care home
- Thread starter twinklystar
- Start date
whats the right thing to do?
Hi my name is louise and my mam is 71 and has had altziemers for about 6 years but lost my dad 3years ago which made her decline alot faster,i dont know what the best option is for you but i do know if they the proffesionals think you are going to look after your mum they will welcome it because at the end of the day they dont have the money to do what should be being done we have tonight reluctantly taken my mam to a care home or emi unit as they call it and cant help but feel ill about if its the right thing to do but she is safe and that is the main thing for now but it is so hard to accept that she cant stay at home but there just is not the care they say there is to keep people at home where at least its familiar i now feel like even though i have own home and am bringing up 2 children that i no longer have that place to go that will always be home where sometimes you just feel safe and secure no decision is easy and more needs to done to make life still as good and fun for people as it should be if it was not for all these parents and grandparents we would not be here trying to make changes for them .
Hi my name is louise and my mam is 71 and has had altziemers for about 6 years but lost my dad 3years ago which made her decline alot faster,i dont know what the best option is for you but i do know if they the proffesionals think you are going to look after your mum they will welcome it because at the end of the day they dont have the money to do what should be being done we have tonight reluctantly taken my mam to a care home or emi unit as they call it and cant help but feel ill about if its the right thing to do but she is safe and that is the main thing for now but it is so hard to accept that she cant stay at home but there just is not the care they say there is to keep people at home where at least its familiar i now feel like even though i have own home and am bringing up 2 children that i no longer have that place to go that will always be home where sometimes you just feel safe and secure no decision is easy and more needs to done to make life still as good and fun for people as it should be if it was not for all these parents and grandparents we would not be here trying to make changes for them .
Hi twinklystar and welcome to Talking Point (TP)
Caring for someone with mobility problems at home is very difficult and you would be hard pressed to find the time to look after your family, your mum and run your business. It is possible to get carers in to help. Both that and the care home option are expensive, but your mum may not be self-funding.
I would recommend looking at the factsheets http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200137 which has a health and social care section.
If you wish to find care agencies for your mum at home this is a good place to start http://www.cqc.org.uk/
What would your mum prefer?
You can only do what seems to be the right thing at the time. Circumstances change and it's worth bearing in mind that dementia only goes one way and that is down hill, so what you decide for today may not be right in 6 months time.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find TP as supportive as I have. xx
Caring for someone with mobility problems at home is very difficult and you would be hard pressed to find the time to look after your family, your mum and run your business. It is possible to get carers in to help. Both that and the care home option are expensive, but your mum may not be self-funding.
I would recommend looking at the factsheets http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200137 which has a health and social care section.
If you wish to find care agencies for your mum at home this is a good place to start http://www.cqc.org.uk/
What would your mum prefer?
You can only do what seems to be the right thing at the time. Circumstances change and it's worth bearing in mind that dementia only goes one way and that is down hill, so what you decide for today may not be right in 6 months time.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find TP as supportive as I have. xx
I would agree that the medium and long term have to be considered. I would suggest a local authority assessment. This would determine the level of care needed regardless of where and by whom. If this is just prompting for meds and preparing meals thta maybe manageable. However, full personal care including continency management could involve quite a lot of work. This may require carers to come in the day or full time residential care. Hope this helps.
It might work, but you and your family will loose a lot of freedom.
Your children are teenagers, not an easy time for anyone however lovely they may be. Also you probably only have a few years left of your children living at home. To be honest I think you need to focus on them.
I am saying this as someone who has their mother living with me, but I would not have considered it when the children were in their teens.
Your children are teenagers, not an easy time for anyone however lovely they may be. Also you probably only have a few years left of your children living at home. To be honest I think you need to focus on them.
I am saying this as someone who has their mother living with me, but I would not have considered it when the children were in their teens.
You'll get a different point of view from everyone.
I did bring my parents to live with me (in fact, I actually moved house to facilitate it having only moved less than a year before).
My kids were small, 3 and 9 then... now 9 and 15... and Dad is still with us - he has dementia. Sadly, we lost Mum two years ago.
Is it always easy? No.
Would I have it any other way? No.
My children are important to me, but so is my father and I will do as much as I can, as long as I can. I've thought long and hard about whether this is right or wrong for my children, and apart from the odd wobbly moment, it is fine. My youngest understand what is going on and she does understand why things are difficult with her Grampi at times. She loves him, dances with him, cuddles him and cons him out of sweets..... just like every normal grandchild. Confused or not, he is still her Grampi.
We still manage to maintain a normal life at the moment.
I am sure that time will come when I won't be able to cope (incontinence, violence etc.).. but until that point, I know this is the BEST place for my Dad.
Best wishes.
Beverley x
I did bring my parents to live with me (in fact, I actually moved house to facilitate it having only moved less than a year before).
My kids were small, 3 and 9 then... now 9 and 15... and Dad is still with us - he has dementia. Sadly, we lost Mum two years ago.
Is it always easy? No.
Would I have it any other way? No.
My children are important to me, but so is my father and I will do as much as I can, as long as I can. I've thought long and hard about whether this is right or wrong for my children, and apart from the odd wobbly moment, it is fine. My youngest understand what is going on and she does understand why things are difficult with her Grampi at times. She loves him, dances with him, cuddles him and cons him out of sweets..... just like every normal grandchild. Confused or not, he is still her Grampi.
We still manage to maintain a normal life at the moment.
I am sure that time will come when I won't be able to cope (incontinence, violence etc.).. but until that point, I know this is the BEST place for my Dad.
Best wishes.
Beverley x
My view.....
We moved from our old home inot my Mum's house and bought it (she was a council tenant) and took out a new mortgage to pay for a granny annexe. We had two reasons for moving one was where we were befoire we had the neighbours form hell, the second was to care for Mum. At first her care needs were simple and everythings worked really well. In the last few months her memeory is gtting really bad (dropped form 20 to 12 on the mmse) and it's a lot harder. My children have always been easier than the average child as they have disabilities themselves and have never developed the social circles most youngsters enjoy, nor the pentchant for loud music etc. Even so Mum's care has become a lot harder. I now have to prepare every meal for her, supervise her meds. nagh the hell out of her to wash, check her drawers to find the dirty laundry she puts back with everything else. Turn on her TV, turn off her TV, put on her heater, turn off her heater etc etc. I have to check her cupboards etc for anything she has hidden that is out of date. take her to the GP and other appointments, make sure she is ready for day care, be in when she comes back, try an stimulate and amuse her, take phone callls for her, open her mail - read it and explain it where possible,manage her finances, do her laundry, clean her annexe weekly. I don't begrudge any of this as such, but the way things are now I find it hard to give my immediate famliy the time and attention they deserve, or myself for that matter. I would certainly be unable to manage any kind of work part time or otherwise. You also have the added problem of limite mobilty so you Mum may need help witn toiletting, special equipment for baths etc and all that puts YOUR back at risk.
I am not suggesting you should not have you mother live with you but make sure your eyes are wide open to how it will be when things progress,and always baire in mind if you try it and it doesn't work you have other options. Good luck.
We moved from our old home inot my Mum's house and bought it (she was a council tenant) and took out a new mortgage to pay for a granny annexe. We had two reasons for moving one was where we were befoire we had the neighbours form hell, the second was to care for Mum. At first her care needs were simple and everythings worked really well. In the last few months her memeory is gtting really bad (dropped form 20 to 12 on the mmse) and it's a lot harder. My children have always been easier than the average child as they have disabilities themselves and have never developed the social circles most youngsters enjoy, nor the pentchant for loud music etc. Even so Mum's care has become a lot harder. I now have to prepare every meal for her, supervise her meds. nagh the hell out of her to wash, check her drawers to find the dirty laundry she puts back with everything else. Turn on her TV, turn off her TV, put on her heater, turn off her heater etc etc. I have to check her cupboards etc for anything she has hidden that is out of date. take her to the GP and other appointments, make sure she is ready for day care, be in when she comes back, try an stimulate and amuse her, take phone callls for her, open her mail - read it and explain it where possible,manage her finances, do her laundry, clean her annexe weekly. I don't begrudge any of this as such, but the way things are now I find it hard to give my immediate famliy the time and attention they deserve, or myself for that matter. I would certainly be unable to manage any kind of work part time or otherwise. You also have the added problem of limite mobilty so you Mum may need help witn toiletting, special equipment for baths etc and all that puts YOUR back at risk.
I am not suggesting you should not have you mother live with you but make sure your eyes are wide open to how it will be when things progress,and always baire in mind if you try it and it doesn't work you have other options. Good luck.
Welcome Twinklystar
My mum is almost 94. When dad died 19 months ago, we eventually got mum to come and live with us (in a self-contained chalet next to us) - I am self-employed and have cut down on my workload, and have given up jobs where I had to be out all day. My husband and grown up son are great and support me in taking care of mum. At first it was extremely difficult as mum was settling in, but now she is on medication for AD (Aricept) she is so much easier to care for. She is physically in great shape, so that obviously helps a lot. But after saying all that, it is difficult, I don't have much time to spend with my husband and until recently we were unable to even go out shopping together or visiting relatives if it meant leaving Mum at home. Recently, Mum has been enjoying the Alzs Day Care group and has also had two separate weeks in respite care, which she enjoyed and we were able to visit relatives during that time.
I don't have any young children, but I should imagine it would be even harder to cope if I had.
If you do go ahead with having your mum at home, then try to get some day care centres sorted out at least one day a week, and respite care now and again (my Mum can go into respite about once in six weeks - apparently anything less than four weeks gap will mess up the attendance allowance)
Not an easy decision -
Love from
Pauline
x
My mum is almost 94. When dad died 19 months ago, we eventually got mum to come and live with us (in a self-contained chalet next to us) - I am self-employed and have cut down on my workload, and have given up jobs where I had to be out all day. My husband and grown up son are great and support me in taking care of mum. At first it was extremely difficult as mum was settling in, but now she is on medication for AD (Aricept) she is so much easier to care for. She is physically in great shape, so that obviously helps a lot. But after saying all that, it is difficult, I don't have much time to spend with my husband and until recently we were unable to even go out shopping together or visiting relatives if it meant leaving Mum at home. Recently, Mum has been enjoying the Alzs Day Care group and has also had two separate weeks in respite care, which she enjoyed and we were able to visit relatives during that time.
I don't have any young children, but I should imagine it would be even harder to cope if I had.
If you do go ahead with having your mum at home, then try to get some day care centres sorted out at least one day a week, and respite care now and again (my Mum can go into respite about once in six weeks - apparently anything less than four weeks gap will mess up the attendance allowance)
Not an easy decision -
Love from
Pauline
x
I do admire you so for your love for your mother and your wish to have her to live with you.
From an extremely personal view, I could never have managed it whilst my children were living at home. Multi-tasking yes but, if your mother gets to the stage, like mine, that she can NEVER be left on her own, how will you meet the needs of everyone?? We're confined to the house unless she's at her Day Centre.
Your mother might stay the same, personality-wise, in which case perhaps it might be all ok. My mother was a lovely, friendly person up until two years ago - now she's miserable, angry and confused. Yesterday, she was in such a rage with me, because she hadn't seen me for weeks, she said (I must see her 50 times a day!).
Not only is my mother not the person she was - I'm not either!
The role of carer doesn't fall easy any more and my relationship with my mother has changed drastically. From considering her to be my best friend, she's become my worst enemy - a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's how I currently feel.
So my advice is to think deeply. My mother has been with me for nine years - the first seven were fine. So perhaps it's a thing you could do for now, if the sacrifices aren't too great but, then again, you have children. I would always put them to the top of my list!
Carolyn
xx
From an extremely personal view, I could never have managed it whilst my children were living at home. Multi-tasking yes but, if your mother gets to the stage, like mine, that she can NEVER be left on her own, how will you meet the needs of everyone?? We're confined to the house unless she's at her Day Centre.
Your mother might stay the same, personality-wise, in which case perhaps it might be all ok. My mother was a lovely, friendly person up until two years ago - now she's miserable, angry and confused. Yesterday, she was in such a rage with me, because she hadn't seen me for weeks, she said (I must see her 50 times a day!).
Not only is my mother not the person she was - I'm not either!
The role of carer doesn't fall easy any more and my relationship with my mother has changed drastically. From considering her to be my best friend, she's become my worst enemy - a horrible thing to say, I know, but it's how I currently feel.
So my advice is to think deeply. My mother has been with me for nine years - the first seven were fine. So perhaps it's a thing you could do for now, if the sacrifices aren't too great but, then again, you have children. I would always put them to the top of my list!
Carolyn
xx
Hi, my mum was in the same position, having broke her hip she was able to walk a few steps but she never was able to walk properly and gave up after a while. Each situation if different but I would say that you do need to really consider the whole picture. What are the physios, doctors, assessors saying about her needs? We had several meetings with staff, my mum kept saying she wanted to go home and at times I thought this was going to supercede any sensible decision for her. I had been caring for her at her home and working full time but her needs were very complex and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown!
The decision was made to put her in a nursing home just done the road from me. I was and wasn't happy about this but in the end I knew that it was the best place for her, the staff were lovely and my mum seemed very settled. Despite all of her issues she was such a lovely lady and we had real moments of giggles and laughters with her and the staff. To be honest though, my daughter, who was 25 and my nephew who was 18 were traumatised to see their Grandma change so quickly and that in itself was difficult to deal with and support them. So you need to really consider the practical and emotional impact on your children.
We can none of know what is around the corner so any decision that you make is only in light of the current knowledge and also the emotions that 'to care and not to care' causes at that time. Whatever decision you make you don't know what her needs will become and how much it pushes you to the edge. You need to try and get the care team to give you as much information as possible so that you and your family can make an informed choice about which way to go.
I know that I have gone on a bit here with no concrete answer but there is none and as I said you can only make a 'right' decision based on this moment in time.
Well good luck with whichever decision you make.
Heather xx
The decision was made to put her in a nursing home just done the road from me. I was and wasn't happy about this but in the end I knew that it was the best place for her, the staff were lovely and my mum seemed very settled. Despite all of her issues she was such a lovely lady and we had real moments of giggles and laughters with her and the staff. To be honest though, my daughter, who was 25 and my nephew who was 18 were traumatised to see their Grandma change so quickly and that in itself was difficult to deal with and support them. So you need to really consider the practical and emotional impact on your children.
We can none of know what is around the corner so any decision that you make is only in light of the current knowledge and also the emotions that 'to care and not to care' causes at that time. Whatever decision you make you don't know what her needs will become and how much it pushes you to the edge. You need to try and get the care team to give you as much information as possible so that you and your family can make an informed choice about which way to go.
I know that I have gone on a bit here with no concrete answer but there is none and as I said you can only make a 'right' decision based on this moment in time.
Well good luck with whichever decision you make.
Heather xx
We had our mother living with us right up to the end. She was 83 and suffered from vascular dementia. I wont say it was easy, I wasn't. We had to do everything for her, bath and dress her, prepare all her food see to all her medication. In her final days before she passed away, she was doubly incontinate. Luckily she stayed placid and friendly up until the end. She had to go into hospital, for her last days, as her ability to swallow went and all she was eating went into her lungs causing pneumonia.
I work full time nights and my partner was with her 24/7 except for the days she went to the day centre. Some days we even slept in shifts because she didnt know ther different between day and night. We dont have children living at home, but often called on my son to 'nana-sit'
We were glad that we could have her living with us and feel that she is still with us now.
This is a very personally decision to make and I hope what I have written will help you.
I work full time nights and my partner was with her 24/7 except for the days she went to the day centre. Some days we even slept in shifts because she didnt know ther different between day and night. We dont have children living at home, but often called on my son to 'nana-sit'
We were glad that we could have her living with us and feel that she is still with us now.
This is a very personally decision to make and I hope what I have written will help you.
Thank you for posting your thread as all of the responses have helped me to make a decision that I've been tussling with for a few weeks. It's wonderful to have all these lovely, caring people express their 'experienced views' on TP and although they're all strangers to me I kind of value their opinions more than those of the people closest to me who don't 'really understand' how we feel in these situations. I'm going to stop worrying., stop whingeing and crying and stop beating myself up and put all that energy into finding the very best care home that I can so that I can be the happy, loving daughter that I so desperately want to be for my beloved Mum.
To those who 'do it' - Congratulations!....
To those who 'don't' - Congratulations!....
....for finding the right way forward for you and your loved ones - you're all stars!
To those who 'do it' - Congratulations!....
To those who 'don't' - Congratulations!....
....for finding the right way forward for you and your loved ones - you're all stars!
