Dear all
As some of you know, I had been giving care to my mother across two continents and as I had done in May 2009, I came to India to relieve the private nurse I had engaged in the assisted living facility here on the west coast in India. I had arrived on Dec 2009, had been spending lots of time with her, but had actually started to stand in for the nurse from 10th Jan 2010.
Mum always had a way of sensing my presence, and as has happened before, she seemed very agitated. Having lost her speech, all that she could do was grunt loudly and agitatedly . What i could gather was her hallucinations had intensified as she would break out into a sweat. All the objects on the ceiling such as lights and fans had become objects of terror. None of the drugs seemed to help. Her mouth was constantly open which also caused the accummulation of phlegm which we would take out by inserting a finger wrapped in a cold kerchief.
I had a hard time feeding her or getting her to drink something on the 10th though she slept soundly during the night. On the morning of the 11th, she seemed calm as I changed her, gave her a sponge bath, I massaged her back and her feet with oil , and helped her lie on her side when all the phlegm came out by itself. Later, after cleaning her, i gave her tiny spoonfuls of milk which she swallowed but she would not or could not eat much.
The anxious grunting began again . All the while, that is the whole morning, I stayed by her bedside, hugging her, consoling her, giving her reassurances, cooing into her ear but she seemed more agitated.
Out of sheer desperation, I sent out a very intense and heartfelt prayer and around 12 noon, she cooled down some and then as I was giving her another round of health drink in tiny spoonfuls, she coughed severely and with all her strength vomitted and even as I wiped it all while still cradling her head and neck in my arms, her neck went limp: I shook her uttering "ama, ama "when she opened her eyes to look at me for a second or so and then she was gone right there in my arms. The nurse on duty at the assisted living facility confirmed that there was no heartbeat, pulse or light reflex in the eye. To be on the safer side, we took her by ambulance to the local doctor who confirmed that my mother had died (between 1245 and 1300 hours Indian time).
The greatest gift was that she died when I was in India, right there in my arms, as if she had waited all along when I would be "serving" her personally and when I was by her bedside.
However, I have fleeting doubts about my administering of liquid - maybe I should not have done so, perhaps she would not have aspirated then, may be I was the cause of her aspiration and death... everyone around is telling me not to think this way but I seem not to be able to help it.
I am going through mixed feelings - on the one hand is the deep grief , on the other is the relief that her pain has ended : additionally I feel I was the cause of aspiration, may be I should have taken her to hospital and got the phlegm suctioned out but I thought I will waitfor a day or so before rushing with this decision which would have been traumatising for my mother: I was battling with the thought of hospice care ... and then I prayed and even said softly and lovingly in her ear - I am ready to say goodbye and that she will be with loved ones and that she shouldn't be afraid ... and then she was gone.
I wish she would just come back and tell me she is okay now. Just once. That is the way I feel right now.
It has been a long journey and I owe a lot to this society, for all the hand holding that I got at different stages of the disease since I joined in 2005 and for all the information I could gather from shared experiences which helped me cope up with every new stage in the disease, right upto the end. I know I have taken more than I have given .
I know I will come back to the site... to work through my own grief...
Thank you one and all.
With much love
As some of you know, I had been giving care to my mother across two continents and as I had done in May 2009, I came to India to relieve the private nurse I had engaged in the assisted living facility here on the west coast in India. I had arrived on Dec 2009, had been spending lots of time with her, but had actually started to stand in for the nurse from 10th Jan 2010.
Mum always had a way of sensing my presence, and as has happened before, she seemed very agitated. Having lost her speech, all that she could do was grunt loudly and agitatedly . What i could gather was her hallucinations had intensified as she would break out into a sweat. All the objects on the ceiling such as lights and fans had become objects of terror. None of the drugs seemed to help. Her mouth was constantly open which also caused the accummulation of phlegm which we would take out by inserting a finger wrapped in a cold kerchief.
I had a hard time feeding her or getting her to drink something on the 10th though she slept soundly during the night. On the morning of the 11th, she seemed calm as I changed her, gave her a sponge bath, I massaged her back and her feet with oil , and helped her lie on her side when all the phlegm came out by itself. Later, after cleaning her, i gave her tiny spoonfuls of milk which she swallowed but she would not or could not eat much.
The anxious grunting began again . All the while, that is the whole morning, I stayed by her bedside, hugging her, consoling her, giving her reassurances, cooing into her ear but she seemed more agitated.
Out of sheer desperation, I sent out a very intense and heartfelt prayer and around 12 noon, she cooled down some and then as I was giving her another round of health drink in tiny spoonfuls, she coughed severely and with all her strength vomitted and even as I wiped it all while still cradling her head and neck in my arms, her neck went limp: I shook her uttering "ama, ama "when she opened her eyes to look at me for a second or so and then she was gone right there in my arms. The nurse on duty at the assisted living facility confirmed that there was no heartbeat, pulse or light reflex in the eye. To be on the safer side, we took her by ambulance to the local doctor who confirmed that my mother had died (between 1245 and 1300 hours Indian time).
The greatest gift was that she died when I was in India, right there in my arms, as if she had waited all along when I would be "serving" her personally and when I was by her bedside.
However, I have fleeting doubts about my administering of liquid - maybe I should not have done so, perhaps she would not have aspirated then, may be I was the cause of her aspiration and death... everyone around is telling me not to think this way but I seem not to be able to help it.
I am going through mixed feelings - on the one hand is the deep grief , on the other is the relief that her pain has ended : additionally I feel I was the cause of aspiration, may be I should have taken her to hospital and got the phlegm suctioned out but I thought I will waitfor a day or so before rushing with this decision which would have been traumatising for my mother: I was battling with the thought of hospice care ... and then I prayed and even said softly and lovingly in her ear - I am ready to say goodbye and that she will be with loved ones and that she shouldn't be afraid ... and then she was gone.
I wish she would just come back and tell me she is okay now. Just once. That is the way I feel right now.
It has been a long journey and I owe a lot to this society, for all the hand holding that I got at different stages of the disease since I joined in 2005 and for all the information I could gather from shared experiences which helped me cope up with every new stage in the disease, right upto the end. I know I have taken more than I have given .
I know I will come back to the site... to work through my own grief...
Thank you one and all.
With much love
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