Dear Beverley, I read your post as if I could have written it myself. We are in a similiar situation except we care for my FIL and we are older than you. Sometimes I post and then wish I hadn't or shouldn't have said what I did but really please think about how your situation could be in 10 years. My children have grown up with the difficultes of GD's strange behaviour and I feel really guilty about that. If your father is suggesting he go to a home than perhaps you could visit some with him to get an objective view. My FIL has grown more difficult in that he refuses to go anywhere unless we go with him. He will not stay at a day centre without us and will not consider respite. I feel trapped and can see no way out. Please think very carefully.
Guilty feelings all round - feeling pretty torn
- Thread starter BeverleyY
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Hi Christin
The thing is with Dad, he is quite emotionally detached most of the time. Always has been - just his way. His Mum died when he was 18 months old and he had an awful childhood. It's all too easy for him to say to me, just put me in a home and get on with your life. Maybe because of his childhood he doesn't understand what it is like to love your parents to the point you would compromise your own life.
He tells me every time he comes back from the day care that he doesn't want to go again and would rather walk the streets than sit with the old people. Then five minutes later is saying put me in aa home - the very place he has just moaned about for 10 minutes.
I am 40, Paul is just 33 - we've been carers for essentially 7 years now which just seems to have gone in a flash.
Today has been a really good day. Took Dad out for lunch, bit of shopping and you think, ah.. this is ok.
Paul and I had a long talk today about his commute and he said.. he is the adult, able to make choices. He won't disrupt the kids from their schools, and he won't push my Dad into a home.
I think I worry about all their needs and just want everyone to have what is just perfect for them - unfortunately, what is the best for one is not necessarily best for the other.
Beverley x
Dear Beverley
You sound such a lovely family and you all care so much for each other. I am quite sure you will know when it is time for any changes one way or another. You are lucky to have such an understanding husband just like mine was and still is for that matter, they don't hang on trees. Listen to yourself, keep talking and it will all turn out as well as possible without too may regrets. I sincerely wish every one of you all the best.
You sound such a lovely family and you all care so much for each other. I am quite sure you will know when it is time for any changes one way or another. You are lucky to have such an understanding husband just like mine was and still is for that matter, they don't hang on trees. Listen to yourself, keep talking and it will all turn out as well as possible without too may regrets. I sincerely wish every one of you all the best.
Thanks very much.
I wish you and your husband all the best too.
My Dad was first diagnosed with Vascular Dementia following a stroke, but they now think it maybe a mixture of that and AD.
It's so tough at times isn't it.
Beverley x
Thank you Beverley and yes it can be tough, I just take one day at the time, and try to stay ahead so I feel in control, but I mainly only have my husband to worry about, nobody else, that simplyfies things denifitely. Look after yourself.
Best wishes
Win
Best wishes
Win
It seems you have a star of a husband. Hope it stays that way. He sounds a very mature and caring man.
I haven't been in your situation, and won't ever be. My mum had AD and was 80 when she went into a home, which had to be, and she died just 12 months later. I can only imagine if it were my dad. He would have said the same - put me in a home - and I wouldn't have done so. But actually, I know he would have meant it. He would rather that I enjoyed my life to the full, as he had done when he was that age, than spoil it for me. I know how you feel. I would have died rather that put my dad into a home, but thinking about it, he would probably rather have died than spoil my life, which is how he would have looked at it.
Anyway, love, you have decided that you will not do anything for a couple of years, becuase of your children's schooling. And your husband agrees with that. Make sure you take time to make your husband feel valued and special, cos he certainly is. Many other young men would resent your situation and be unable to cope. Yours is one in a million. But do try and organise periodic respite for your all, with your dad in a home for perhaps a month at a time. Twice a year, say. Then the pressure will be off you all for a set period. It will give you a much needed break and allow you to be a proper family for a time.
I do think you should be putting your needs and those of your husband higher on the list of priorities before long. I know how you feel about your dad, but you have a life to lead too.
Much luck and love
Margaret
I haven't been in your situation, and won't ever be. My mum had AD and was 80 when she went into a home, which had to be, and she died just 12 months later. I can only imagine if it were my dad. He would have said the same - put me in a home - and I wouldn't have done so. But actually, I know he would have meant it. He would rather that I enjoyed my life to the full, as he had done when he was that age, than spoil it for me. I know how you feel. I would have died rather that put my dad into a home, but thinking about it, he would probably rather have died than spoil my life, which is how he would have looked at it.
Anyway, love, you have decided that you will not do anything for a couple of years, becuase of your children's schooling. And your husband agrees with that. Make sure you take time to make your husband feel valued and special, cos he certainly is. Many other young men would resent your situation and be unable to cope. Yours is one in a million. But do try and organise periodic respite for your all, with your dad in a home for perhaps a month at a time. Twice a year, say. Then the pressure will be off you all for a set period. It will give you a much needed break and allow you to be a proper family for a time.
I do think you should be putting your needs and those of your husband higher on the list of priorities before long. I know how you feel about your dad, but you have a life to lead too.
Much luck and love
Margaret
Hello Beverley. I do understand what you are saying and I know that you have to be completely happy with your decision. I wonder though, like me, what you will tell your children about your own wishes for you. My husband and I have both our children to allow us to stay in our own homes for as long as possible and then to find us good care homes. I would not, knowingly, live with my children when I can no longer look after myself. I chose to give birth to my children and to give them life. The one thing I wish now is for them to have their own lives and to be able to achieve the things that they want to.
Thanks Margarget... and yes, my husband is a total star. I honestly couldn't wish for a more wonderful man.
Hiom.. me.. the kids... we are all just experts at juggling right now
Watching Gerry Robinson's programmes has just confirmed to me we all need to keep juggling for a hell of a lot longer
Beverley x
Christin
I wouldn't wish this on my children either. Going through this myself is enough and I would hate to every put my children through this again. Seeing it first hand with a grandparent is enough for them I think.
When my children are older I will make my wishes very clear to them about what they are to do if ever something like this happened to me.
Beverley x
Yes from me too. I've had a wonderful wonderful life and still do in spite of having Alzheimer's, My huband and the kids have been the biggest part of that wonder. When the day comes - and it might -when I make their lives impossible I want them to do what has to be done and let others care for me while they go on with their lives. I hope they can do that without guilt.
Shelagh
Shelagh
HI Beverley
Long time since I have been on here. You once or twice responded to my posts regarding my dear dad. Since then my mum died suddently in July and it was a total shock. That left me caring for dad in his own home without mum but with a good Continuing Health Package. However our journey has been going for about 5 years and now dad is in the end stages although when I look bak on my posts I think I said the same thing in March 08 so who knows. I think that is the thing with this disease is that you know its not going to improve but you just have no idea on the real time frame so hence you dont know how long you can cope for. Although we never want that day to come. I am rambling Beverly what I wanted to say is that you are doing what is right for you and your dad at the moment and yes your family are standing by your decisions and thats the bottom line. Yes its not ideal but the alternative is not good either and I know that you like me care deeply for your dad and at this moment a home is not an option and to be honest your dad doesn;t sound to be at that stage. WHat i would say is please start to introduce some help I received that advice on here a long time ago and I am so glad i started to introduce help at a very early stage and boy am I glad. These carers are now my best friends and treat dad like their own. I her you say he goes to a day centre or club but maybe having somebody take him out for the day might be good.
You sound l ike super woman having a job and a family but I do too and like you I manage but yes it takes its toll but hey ho its not always going to be like this we just have to take one day at a time.
Your children in my opinion will benefit from this exposure and you need to look at it like that don;t beat yourself up and thank god that you and your family care.
If you need to PM feel free.
Many kind regards
Angela x
Long time since I have been on here. You once or twice responded to my posts regarding my dear dad. Since then my mum died suddently in July and it was a total shock. That left me caring for dad in his own home without mum but with a good Continuing Health Package. However our journey has been going for about 5 years and now dad is in the end stages although when I look bak on my posts I think I said the same thing in March 08 so who knows. I think that is the thing with this disease is that you know its not going to improve but you just have no idea on the real time frame so hence you dont know how long you can cope for. Although we never want that day to come. I am rambling Beverly what I wanted to say is that you are doing what is right for you and your dad at the moment and yes your family are standing by your decisions and thats the bottom line. Yes its not ideal but the alternative is not good either and I know that you like me care deeply for your dad and at this moment a home is not an option and to be honest your dad doesn;t sound to be at that stage. WHat i would say is please start to introduce some help I received that advice on here a long time ago and I am so glad i started to introduce help at a very early stage and boy am I glad. These carers are now my best friends and treat dad like their own. I her you say he goes to a day centre or club but maybe having somebody take him out for the day might be good.
You sound l ike super woman having a job and a family but I do too and like you I manage but yes it takes its toll but hey ho its not always going to be like this we just have to take one day at a time.
Your children in my opinion will benefit from this exposure and you need to look at it like that don;t beat yourself up and thank god that you and your family care.
If you need to PM feel free.
Many kind regards
Angela x
Many thanks for your post Angela. Sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum. I know when my Mum died it was a really awful shock so I really do feel for you.
Things are pretty stable with Dad at the moment and he's still an able and contributing member of the family. Despite the odd scary moment we've had, he is just the same as any loving grandad. He plays with my youngest - even at 84 on a slegdge in the snow belting downhill
I kind of took the view of 'just let him.... if he died in the process at least he was having fun'We've really got a good routine going with our working from home days and 2 day care days - which at the moment, he is liking rather than moaning about 'old people' being there.
I know my limitations and I think I am switched on enough to know my families too. Just got to take it as it comes at the moment.
Thanks again for your kind post.
Beverley x
Beverley - I'm please to hear that you have reached some level of equilibrium with this. I think this is what everyone hopes for.
Take care
Take care
