Introducing myself

amy2512

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
51
0
Cambridgeshire
I just wanted to say hello to everyone :)

My mum has Alzheimers (the same type that Terry Pratchett has), she's been diagnosed for about 2 years now. I seem to have become/am becoming her carer. I am incredibly sad about this. I did join and post a little on TP a year ago but it was all too overwhelming for me, reading about day to day life with dementia so burried my head in the sand somewhat and didn't come back! I feel that the time has come where I need to be with people who understand... My head and heart is just such a mess.

I am currently moving my mum from her house to a rented house close by me so that I can care for her better. She will be moving about 30 minutes away from her current house. How progressed is she... I don't know, reading some of the posts on TP I can see that although I might think it's hard work now and how much of her I've lost, in reality I can see that she is actually relatively 'ok' now and we have a hell of a lot of awful things to come, which is massively overwhelming :(

Mum is in a relationship with a man who has a very tight hold over her, who I and friends and family believe to be abusing her and have done for a long time. However she 'loves him' so much and cannot break away from. Social Services basically pussy foot around this issue and perform the most incompetent capacity assesments on her from time to time and deem her to have capacity so let her carry on going to stay with him every weekend. She's convinced she's going to live with him, in reality he is wanting PoA and her money but she can't understand this... Oh it's all such a mess, there are so many layers to it I can't even begin to explain.

I'm moving her in under two weeks, she constantly forgets she's moving, sometimes says she doesn't want to, isn't moving because she's infact going to live with her partner... How do you move someone who can't remember she is moving. Everyone else, friends, family etc all want to know what I'm going to do with all the money that will be released from the sale of the house, which frankly isn't my primary concern right now. Social services have advised me strictly 'off the record' to get rid of it (spend it, not burn it!)... :confused:

Sorry I was just saying hello really, as I'll probably be around for a while and might need some help and guidence in the future :eek: So hello and hope everyone is well xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Social services have advised me strictly 'off the record' to get rid of it (spend it, not burn it!)...
There is such a thing as Deprivation of assets which is a serious charge of spending someone else`s money to avoid having to pay care home fees. I`d advise you to be very careful what you spend and how you spend it as you will be held to account.
 

Brymar

Registered User
Sep 26, 2009
162
0
Hi,

I have to agree with Sylvia on this, it is extremely dodgy ground.

I would suggest however as NOK you take advice from a solicitor with regard to you obtaining power of attorney. Good Luck

Bryan
 

amy2512

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
51
0
Cambridgeshire
Yes I am aware of deprivation of assets and to be honest all I want to do with the money is help mum have a good quality of life. Which is why I am slightly confused about SS 'off the record' advice :confused:

Bryan I already have PoA.

Thanks for welcoming me anyway.
 

Val_B

Registered User
Oct 27, 2009
109
0
Scotland
I recently moved my mum to be nearer to me. She did remember during the run-up that that was the plan, but repeatedly forgot that the removal men were going to do all of the packing. This, although an expensive option, would be a perfectly legitimate way to spend money (I know this is before receiving any from selling the house, just saying) and is the only way I preserved my sanity during the whole operation.
Mum's move was over 340 miles.
We sat and watched telly while the removal men packed everything until there was nothing left but the TV and two chairs (the guys were really great). Once the van had left, I wanted to get going straight away, but Mum wanted to take her time to say goodbye to the place (she'd loved living there). So I said I'd like to get going by 5.30pm, and settled down with a book ...
I'd booked us into a hotel a couple of hours up the road, to break the journey up a bit.
When we arrived at the new house, the van had also just arrived and I supervised the unloading of all boxes into the right rooms. The first rooms I got more or less ready were kitchen and somewhere to sit in living room and a path to the bed in the bedroom. I then left it a day, and went back to finish off, spending the next week unpacking while Mum basically slept to recover.
Sadly the move prompted a dramatic deterioration in Mum's mental state and she only enjoyed the new house for a fortnight before needing 24-hour care, now on a permanent basis. But that is our story - each person is different.
 

Plum1108

Registered User
Nov 20, 2009
25
0
Hi Amy
I know how you feel to a certain extent as my mum was diagonised about 2 years ago too and although I initially contacted the AlSoc I steered away as I really didn't want to thing too far ahead. Fortunately, so far, we have only had put in small changes (like getting a cleaner, setting up the POA, puting up noticeboards) but even these things can be a real struggle. Especially when my mum doesn't remember what's been discussed and agreed or thinks she doesn't need any help and is perfectly well.
Luckily, we haven't got the other issues that you have and I live relatively close to mum, however, I do have a sister-in-law who likes to stir things up causing me and my two sisters to have a falling out with my brother - families, what can you do!?!
I think after Xmas, it will come to the stage where we will have to get involved with Social Services and start putting in care for my mum. I'm not looking forward to that as it will probably fall on me to organise..... What with working and 2 young kids of my own, there just isn't enough hours in the day.....

Good luck, no doubt we will be crossing paths in the forum often.
Plumx
 

amy2512

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
51
0
Cambridgeshire
I recently moved my mum to be nearer to me. She did remember during the run-up that that was the plan, but repeatedly forgot that the removal men were going to do all of the packing. This, although an expensive option, would be a perfectly legitimate way to spend money (I know this is before receiving any from selling the house, just saying) and is the only way I preserved my sanity during the whole operation.
Mum's move was over 340 miles.
We sat and watched telly while the removal men packed everything until there was nothing left but the TV and two chairs (the guys were really great). Once the van had left, I wanted to get going straight away, but Mum wanted to take her time to say goodbye to the place (she'd loved living there). So I said I'd like to get going by 5.30pm, and settled down with a book ...
I'd booked us into a hotel a couple of hours up the road, to break the journey up a bit.
When we arrived at the new house, the van had also just arrived and I supervised the unloading of all boxes into the right rooms. The first rooms I got more or less ready were kitchen and somewhere to sit in living room and a path to the bed in the bedroom. I then left it a day, and went back to finish off, spending the next week unpacking while Mum basically slept to recover.
Sadly the move prompted a dramatic deterioration in Mum's mental state and she only enjoyed the new house for a fortnight before needing 24-hour care, now on a permanent basis. But that is our story - each person is different.

Thank you for your story Val, this is something that I am worried about massively - the move causing a deterioration in mum's mental state. But I really am at a loss to as what else to do. She can't keep living in her current house as it's too expensive for her to maintain, my brother has just moved out and she hates being by herself, if she had a fall or got into distress I am too far away to be able to just pop round to help and I/SS feel that she is now at a point where she needs more care than she is currently getting and I just can't provide that with us both living where we do. But like I said I am so worried that I am making the wrong decision here, I suppose only time will tell. Thanks for your tip on getting the removal guys to do the packing, I definitely am going to get them to do that, try to remove the stress where possible! I'm sorry moving your mum closer to you didn't work out for her, that must have been so hard for you.

Hi Plum, I agree sometimes it's just too hard to access all the info that's out there about the illness as it's like looking into the inevitable future. Aren't families the best! It always seems to manage to get so messy somehow, even if you only have the very best of intentions - I can sympathise with you! I also have two little ones of my own, my youngest is just 6 months old, and it's absolutely heartbreaking when your mum can't be the grandma that you and she both dreamed she'd be to them :(

Amy
 

Plum1108

Registered User
Nov 20, 2009
25
0
HTML:
it's absolutely heartbreaking when your mum can't be the grandma that you and she both dreamed she'd be to them

Know exactly what you mean - have to remind ourselves that it's the illness and not them.
Px
 

Val_B

Registered User
Oct 27, 2009
109
0
Scotland
Hi Amy!
Although it turned out the way it did with Mum, we couldn't have done it any other way. She couldn't go on living on her own where she was, and she knew that. At least, when she went downhill we were much nearer to each other and she is now in a NH 7 miles away, instead of 340! It was Mum's decision to stay in her old house for as long as she did - maybe things would have gone better if she'd moved earlier, but there's no knowing. All you can do is make the best desicion you can at the time ... and then move on. No point in looking back and "if only"s.
You may find it easier to simply take mum away and leave the removal guys to pack ... I knew Mum would not be comfortable with that, but it might be better for you?
 

amy2512

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
51
0
Cambridgeshire
Hi Val,

I like that - that you can only make the best decision that you can at the time, I will try to bear it in mind if it all goes wrong! I would love to be able to take mum away and leave the removal guys to pack, but I know mum will want to help and potter around and feel like she's done it herself. But I have lots of help from my partner and his family so at least I won't have my boys there whilst trying to move her, now there's a recepie for disaster ;)

I'm glad it worked out that your mum is in a NH near to you, I hope to have the same for my mum when the time comes.