should i give up my job?

[nellen]

i am 58 and work 3 days a week as a teacher in a inner city support service.

My 83 y/o mum has recently (Aug 2009) been diagnosed with alzheimers disease and she is also blind, she is a widow and i am her main carer - she doesn't live with me, she is 50 miles away but i visit her 2/3 days a week i spend quite a bit of time on the phone talking to social workers health workers and carers, etc and i have to be prepared to attend meetings about and for my mum. I often get phonecalls while i am at work and i usually answer my phone unless i'm in a meeting and deal with whatever it is

Sadly, as we all know, my mum wont get better - she will get worse and more distressing and there will be more demands on my time.

i am starting to think that i might have to give up my job to give my mum the best i can give her in what time she has left and also because i find coping with a job and my mum very hard as it can sometimes be extremely distressing and emotionally draining.

Does anyone have any advice about what my options could be - vol redundancy/ early retirement, etc

Mum has a care plan with a carer going in everyday to administer her medic, get her up and dressed and fed; she lives in sheltered housing and has just got into a day centre for a day a week fingers crossed she'll like it. She not long started on reminyl - just going up to 16mg this week and, so far so good.

Thanks for any help or advice you can give me.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello nellen

If you are working under contract, do you think you could ask for 12 months compassionate leave of absence? It would give you time to care for your mother and to see how her condition develops. It would also enable you to take your time in decision making.

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Are you thinking about moving your mother to live with you permanently to enable you to care for her better? If that is the case could you take a short leave from work and perhaps get your mother in to a daycentre on the days you work. When she is settled there you could possibly go back to your job for the time being. My mother was similar to your mother blind but not mobile at all and in a wheelchair due to locked knees. She came to live with me the last 18 months of her life and stayed here to the end which is what we both wanted. I had however already given up my job due to my husbands strokes but would definitely have done it just for her any way. Every one of us is different as to what we can and wish to do and only you can decide what is right for your mother and yourself. All I can say it is a priveledge to be able to care for them to the end, and a decision I will never regret in either instance. Best wishes to you both.

 

[Tender Face]

Hi Nellen, No real advice – just a thought to throw in. I worked part-time whilst being main carer for my mum (no choice financially for my own family at the time – and me mid-40s) – then again – I only had a four-mile round trip to mum’s house, worked fairly locally, and could bob in and out at various times of the day or take time off for appointments as needed, with some constraints, of course. Lucky too, my employers and colleagues were very flexible (and understanding) – just being allowed to take and deal with phone calls during my working hours was a luxury I know other ‘working carers’ can’t always enjoy.... (and some days were certainly a bit fraught!!!!)

Financial considerations may well have to dominate (sad fact of life at times) ... but also, consider the other benefits of working. I found it was the only time I ever ‘switched off’ (except on the fraught days ). Being at home, or the rare occasions I socialised, did not allow me to ever switch off properly from mum and her needs, whereas work gave me that escape if only briefly and allowed me to focus on something non-dementia. Perhaps I didn’t have the guilt because I was doing it out of financial necessity and could therefore justify it? But in many ways it was ‘respite’ of a sort if only for a few hours ....

I am sure your HR folks and/or pension providers will be able to advise you on how you may stand financially, but consider yourself emotionally. It sounds like a very rewarding role you have – how much would you miss it? (Or not?) If your mum didn’t need your help, would you have envisaged working to full retirement age and loving every last minute? There are no crystal balls with this disease (nor life, I guess) ... if something were to mean, say, mum had to go into nursing care in the short-term rather than longer-term where would that leave you?

Having no options is tough, but sometimes having choice is tough too, eh? I wish you luck whatever you decide ........I would just try to keep your own needs in the equation ......and if your greater need is to be with mum ... your call, obviously ....... I know juggling is tough .... but then I figure some of us are lucky to have or have had that option to juggle?

Love, Karen, x

 

[Skye]

Hi nellen

Is there any possibility of making your work time more flexible, as for example in supply teaching?

It might be worth asking about early retirement, and if you can get it, signing on as a supply teacher to supplement your pension. That way you could be available/not available according to how much time you have to spend with your mum.

I did this many moons ago, and it worked well.

 

[Natashalou]

If you are a member of the LGPS AND your employer wants you to leave then yes, you will be eligible for early retirement...but they may not give you any additional years, and if it is a final salary scheme you will almost certainly be disadvantaged by going early as your benefits will be calculated on service at retirement.
Most public sector employers are now forced to give only state minimum redundancy payments, which are basically peanuts. ...one weeks pay for every year pre 40 years old, 1.5 weeks for post 40..but not at your actual PAY ..at a capped amount which I beleive is about £310 per week..may be slightly more by now.
THEN...once you have maximised your retirement package and redundancy pay ..you might well find because you have a small income you actually arent eligible for any state benefits and face a future scrimping and saving .
All this happened to a friend of mine ..and although I appreciate your difficulties please make absolutly sure you can manage on the pension etc.

 

[leslee]

Hi Nellen

I would think very carefully about packing in your job. As Tender Face says, sometimes going in to work can be a break. When my son was young I found that I enjoyed my time with him more after I had been working than when I was a full time mum. I tend to think of my mum as being like a child now and personally, I would be worried that I could become resentful if i left work but that might just be me.

You do need to consider how much your job means to you and not just in financial terms. I agree that you should very much consider your own needs and not just those of your mum

 

[Izzy]

I'm pretty sure that councils have a responsibility towards carers who are also working for the council. I would get in touch with your personnel department (or human resources I think it might be called now) and see if they could talk you through the options which might be available to you. If you are in a union they would probably also have someone who could advise. I know our Educational Institute of Scotland would provide advice.

I am a full time headteacher with a husband who has AD and a 92 year old mother who is increasingly showing signs of age related dementia so I can totally understand your problems. I am lucky in some respects as the HT as I can choose to take calls and if necessary nip away if there is a crisis. Having said that I have informed my line manager of the situation and he has said that there is no problem with me going to any of Bill's appointments etc.

I too wondered if supply teaching would be an option for you as you could work your week in around planned appointments etc.

It's not easy - is it? Thinking of you. Izzy x

 

[Nebiroth]

I would give this a great deal of thought.

First, you need to consider your income - basically you'll be down to £53 a week carers allowance

Second, there's the impact on your career and pension rights

Third, you may find that you take this monumental step only to find that in six months or a years time you can't cope in any case

Fourth, I think there's a risk that is social services get the idea that you have more time as carer they will reduce the care package

Perhaps you should explore the possibilities of flexible working or even a year's compassionate sabbatical or something like that

In these days of recession you might find it very tough to get back into work after an indeterminate career break

 

[Lynne]

I would give this a great deal of thought.

First, you need to consider your income - basically you'll be down to £53 a week carers allowance.
Second, there's the impact on your career and pension rights.
Third, you may find that you take this monumental step only to find that in six months or a years time you can't cope in any case
Fourth, I think there's a risk that is social services get the idea that you have more time as carer they will reduce the care package.
Perhaps you should explore the possibilities of flexible working or even a year's compassionate sabbatical or something like that

In these days of recession you might find it very tough to get back into work after an indeterminate career break

Amen to all of that - been there, done it & now been existing on dole since Mum died last year. 59 years old, so not a very 'employable' age .
Also, prospective employers seem to view time spent as a family carer as a lack of committment!
Think long & hard about giving up your job/career, especially if you love it & it's a big part of your life.

 

[mist]

hi all, Just to say what I did. It was what suited at the time. I left work to care for mum - dementia - and mum in law - disabled and diabetic and panic attacks etc. You can get a "wage" for this if you don't live in. Its called direct payment. But it means I am the only carer for both "paid" for approx 40 hours per week between them. Reality - I do more than that and am on call 24/7. I miss the companionship of my work colleagues and the sanity that brought to my life. But emotionally I couldn't do anything else it just is not me.
What i'm trying to say is think long and hard. Weigh up all the costs, everything would alter and you must remember you deserve a life too!

 

[germain]

I had to......

Hello nellen,

I moved 300 miles , lock stock and barrel, to live near my Mum when it became obvious she wasn't coping. I was very very fortunate in that I managed to get a Civil Service transfer so didn't lose any money.

Over time tho' this wasn't enough and I actively pursued the early retirement option. Firstly because I couldn't cope working full time with all the caring for Mum and secondly because the stress etc was making me much less than efficient at work ! When I was at work I'd be worrying about Mum and when I was with Mum I'd be worrying about work ! How you cope as a teacher I just can't imagine. At least I had a boring office job.

Mum died about two years after my early retirement and I got my own life back - hope this doesn't sound callous but all full time carers will know what I mean. There was no way I wanted to go back to any job ever again.

Have to say again tho' that I was one of the very lucky ones and altho' money was tight at time - I managed. And also got to say that I wasn't a sole carer - sister and I shared responsibilities.

One of my work colleagues once said to me - " if you get knocked over by a bus tomorrow there will be someone to take over your job" and " no-one wants written on their tombstone - here lies ....... her job was her life"

I think what I'm trying to say in my very c... handed way is - there are loads of jobs around but you only have one Mum and IF you can manage it (and I know its a very big financial & emotional IF ) then s..d the job.

It worked for me but I didn't have a very strong work ethic - only you can know if it will work for you.

Very best of luck with whatever decision you make

regards
germain

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

there are loads of jobs around but you only have one Mum and IF you can manage it (and I know its a very big financial & emotional IF ) then s..d the job.

So true and well written I was always taught FAMILY COME FIRST and surely that is what all us carers do to our best ability.