The last ‘first’

[Tender Face]

Well, I’m nearly there ... done the ‘first’ Christmas, wedding anniversary, her birthday, my birthday etc etc and now for the biggy ..... does this hit everyone the hardest? I am barely functioning already .... not quite under the duvet ... but might as well be .... Not sure that I am even anxious that once ‘the anniversary’ is over it’s about time I really got my act together again (or ‘Pull yer socks up’ as mum would have said) ... Felt I had reached some plateau – even had a few laughs recently about ‘Remember when she used to .....’ now am just going back down the slippery slope ....

Have wondered whether to plan something for the day .... cemetery visits have never really been my style (they weren’t mum’s either) .... Thought it would be nice to call into the Nursing Home – never have summoned up the courage to go back yet ... nearly went into the hospice around that anniversary to say some personal ‘thank yous’ for her care there and found myself turning round on the car park and chickening out ...... Can’t begin to think of doing anything ‘celebratory’ ... will be doing the ‘Memory Walk’ on the 20th which appropriately for me falls between the anniversary of mum’s death and her funeral ..... and feel quite good about that ... but what else to do to get through the next few days/week .......and especially the day itself?

Sorry, a rather sorry-for-herself, Karen

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Karen,
I have been holding a Boxing Day party, on or around that date, for a number of years now. Same core group of good friends, too much food and booze.

My father died December 27, 2007. Deceember 27, 2008 was, of course, his first death anniversary and also my Boxing Day party. My sister & her husband came down from Montréal, I had my usual group of friends and at one point we toasted my father. It felt very appropriate for us, as Daddy was always about having a good time.

Strictly speaking, if we had really wanted to honour his memory we would have been smoking a joint or ten but we stuck to the wine.

It doesn't have to be about cemetery visits or the traditional things people do. It should be about what is real for you and your mum.

 

[Clive]

Hi Karen

Everybody is so different in how they react to this event.

It was almost exactly 10 years between me realising mum needed my help and her dying.

I now find myself opening up her 1999 diary and reading what she had “remembered,” and written down in the diary, about what we did together 10 years ago to the day.

It is quite fascinating what she thought was worth recording, and also how the names of some places were already forgotten and standard phrases were repeatedly used. For example we always went to “The Fox” for lunch (despite going to a different place each time), and we never went to different shops, we always “went to the Butchers”.

It is quite an emotional read.

And yes, I still find myself worrying about mum every single day.

Best wishes

Clive

 

[Grommit]

Tender Face. I do so sympathise with you at this time.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you think about about all the positive things you have gained.

Your temprement, your honesty, your caring nature and your willingness to jump in where others fear to tread and be thankful.

 

[Vonny]

Dear Karen,

I can't really offer much advice because as you know I have a whole year of "firsts" to get through yet so am in no position to advise.

Focus on the Memory Walk if you can because that is something practical you are doing to help combat this foul disease. Mine is on the 27th by the way and I shall be able to stride with new purpose in mum's memory.

Personally I think I'd want to immerse myself in mum, have a therapeutic "slop out" with songs that reminded me of her, photos and a very large box of tissues. But that's the way I cope and we are all different.

I hope you find some way of getting through this last "first" Karen and good luck on your Memory Walk.

Take care, love n hugs

Vonny xxx

 

[Mameeskye]

HI Karen

I just remember feeling so raw this year as it came up to anniversary. My mood got lower and lower.

After it was over I have truly felt as if I have started to heal. Life is still a bit of a muddle and not the same as it ever was, but in May I finally plucked up the courage to go back to NH where I had the Prodigals' greeting. it was fantastic, and felt like going home to close relatives. It took me a long time to get back, and I've been a couple of times since. It does get easier, though I did cry the first time I went in.

The Memory Walk is a lovely idea. PM the sponsor details and I'll send you something.

Life does go on, but our memories of those we love keep them alive in our hearts for ever!

(((((Hugs)))))

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Taffy]

Karen,

Maybe you could buy a lovely candle with holder and place it near a picture of your mum with a single white flower in a vase. Then each anniversary you could light the candle in loving memory of her.

Take Care,

 

[Nutty Nan]

Karen, do whatever feels right, whether that means wallowing in your sadness or distracting yourself - you know that you can't run away from it, and this "last first" will happen, just like all the others you have managed to conquer.
How about writing one of your lovely poems in Mum's memory, a really happy one to reflect the good times spent together? How about celebrating her life with close family and friends?
Be kind to yourself and take care! Love and virtual hugs, C.

 

[Tender Face]

Bless you, Nutty Nan - you always seem to pop up when I am down! And thanks, everyone .....have felt much better able to cope just having a plan in place (call me a control freak!!!)

Nan, I have been struggling to write this for a week - I wanted to reflect my mum's own childhood (as evacuee), her subsequent love of Lancashire dialect as a result of that .... ne'er mind she could talk as posh as t'Queen!!!!! (hence the 'Hoaf cart, hoaf landaw') .... seems right to post here:

Eeee – by eck, mam ....

Cornt believe it’s a year since thee shedaddled oaf
Hoaf cart, hoaf landaw, me old love
Still trying to work art wot troubled us in t’past
Keep toyin’ every tear I shed, must surely be the last .....

Anyways,been toying wi’ t’cimitry fer today ...
Come and have a blether wi’ you and dad
Try put b***d past behind us, eh?
And remember all ut fun we ‘ad?

Eeeee.. tha’ mithered me to bits tha knows
Wi’ summat stuff you did
Stuff you cornt remember
The bloody things you hid....

But tha knows how much I loved yer
And tha knows I tried me best
But I av to tell ya, mam
You dint hoaf put me to the test

I think tha wer’t getting t’own back
For wen I wor a nipper
And wor I’d give right now
T’ear thee say ah’m such a giddy kipper.

Well, I’m gonna affert gofert bed
Co z I got some stuff to do
An’ I avnt packed me baggings yet
In memory of you.....

Fer tomorror’s little trip if tha’s OK
Wi’ ow I’ve thowt to spend the day
Doing summat tha nagged at me fert do
Sithee – still here – listening to you!

Eee ah’m frammatting .. but tha’ knows I would
Burram doin’ me best to still be good
‘Appen tha’ll know when I gerron ‘tbus
Warram doin in memory of both on us.

(With a special wave as I go by Bexley Square!)


It IS unique to me and mum .... and it's lovely for that .... thank you all for reminding me I never was a conformist - and nor was mum!!!!!! Nature or nurture, huh?

God bless, you, mum, I know, you know, we both finally came to know ...... what we needed to know ..... and for that we were both blessed..... xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Nutty Nan]

Fantastic, Karen - I can see your smile and your live shining through

 

[Lynne]

Great poem Karen (even if it took me a while to work out, saft southerner that I am )

Hope you don't have blisters!

Hugs & empathy
.

 

[Winnie Kjaer]

Thank you for sharing.that is truly beautiful, I will think about that and smile as I hit all my firsts. Very best wishes
Winnie