What can we do?

[kazza73]

Hi folks

Am at the end of my tether. Have found out recently (and it has confirmed what i suspected all along) that mum and dad have declined further tests/assessments for mum. Her initial scan showed significant shrinkage of the brain, probably due to alcohol, since that initial scan they have declined offers of support in terms of the alcohol and any further assessment/investigations. Despite being told that giving up alcohol could stop progression of mum's condition, and that some of the damage could repair itself , Dad is still allowing mum to drink (I say that because mum's condition is so poor that I'm sure without dad's help she couldn't get alcohol and certainly doesn't have the ability to open a bottle for herself).

I just don't know where to turn now. We have tried to talk to dad sol many times but we just get told to basically mind our own business.

Any ideas and suggestions would be very gratefully received. It breaks my heart to see mum fading away before my eyes and dad struggling to cope with things but refusing any help.

K xx

 

[Helen33]

Hello K

I am so sorry that you are having to experience this. I can imagine just how worrying and stressful it is to feel powerless to do anything about it. To be honest it does seem that it could be a situation that doesn't change because it's your dad's attitude that would have to change first and if he is of the mind that it's his business alone then it would have to be drastic action that is needed to show him that actually he doesn't have the right to 'harm' another!!

If the damage caused to your mum is through alcohol initially then she would need a tremendous amount of care and support in terms of detox.

This situation seems to have such complex needs K and I wonder whether you might find it helpful to talk to someone from the Carers Federation in order to find support for yourself as you are having to experience something quite dreadful.

Wishing you well.

 

[Cl13]

Hi K, I'm sorry you are having all this worry about your parents,
Quite a few years ago my sons ex partner had this same problem with her dad, he lived on his own and had an array of different people going in and shopping for his drink, he would sit in the chair all night drinking and smoking, and sleep in the chair in between people going in to rob him blind and bring his drink, he wouldn't have the Dr and the police said there was nothing they could do until "he" made a complaint, no-one breaks the law for being for being "invited in", every-one's hands are tied until a crisis occurs, in this mans case the police found him looking for the off licence in his pyjamas in the middle of the night,
I'm telling you this because, once the police got him to the hospital they immediately put him on detox, and apart from his daughter and my son he wasn't allowed visitors, he was kept in a room on his own to keep him away from other visitors as much as humanly possible, they kept him for 4 months until they were certain he was not in need of drink and got him back on a proper diet, his only diet at home had been lager, cider and cigarettes
for years, but in the end they did sort him out,
So my advice to you would be,at the first sign of a crisis, send for the ambulance, I wouldn't even tell your dad.

Take care .

Love and hugs Lynn

 

[Sandy]

Hi Karen,

I have just read all of your previous posts, looking for anything that could help me give you some advice or point you in the direction of some helpful resources.

Looking at everything you're tried so far, I can't spot any obvious 'stones' that you've left 'unturned'.

You and your sister have contacted mum's GP and social services - but your parents have declined any further offers of help.

So, at this point in time, I don't think anything else can be done until your dad changes his mind or has some crisis .

It may be that a crisis will occur at some point and then you will need the support of all those people you have contacted - SS, GP, etc. - so at least you have those links in place should they be needed.

I saw on a previous post you mentioned your mother's signature on some financial documents. Can I just ask if you and your sister have any powers of attorney in place for your parents? If not, it would be worth pursuing ASAP.

Take care,

 

[kazza73]

Thanks folks

Sandy, my sister signed some POA paperwork a couple of years ago but we've no idea whether it has been registered or what has happened to it, she asked my dad about it recently and he didn't really offer any explanation of what the situation is with regards POA. To be honest he wont really talk to us properly about anything, even when we've been quite blunt and given him some 'What if....?' type scenarios he's basically said 'We'll deal with it when it happens'.

Just really just don't know where we go from here. Am going to visit them this weekend- if dad says it's convenient! so will see how things are then.

Lynn- mum isn't the kind of drinker who will drink anything and everything thankfully, she also doesn't binge drink really or drink spirits, it tends to be that she and dad will share a couple of bottles of wine, probably opening one at lunch and one in the evening. She never goes out alone and if she did where they live she has no access to alcohol (there isn't a shop or pub in the village). The doctor thinks it's just unlucky that the alcohol has caused the damage that it has, he says some people are effected by lower levels of alcohol than others.

Helen- thanks for your support. Will consider contacting the Carers Federation

 

[Sandy]

Hi Karen,,

Sandy, my sister signed some POA paperwork a couple of years ago but we've no idea whether it has been registered or what has happened to it, she asked my dad about it recently and he didn't really offer any explanation of what the situation is with regards POA. To be honest he wont really talk to us properly about anything, even when we've been quite blunt and given him some 'What if....?' type scenarios he's basically said 'We'll deal with it when it happens'.

I wondered if that was the case. Sadly some things can't be dealt with as easily or cheaply or even at all 'when it happens'.

I have seen a number of families posting on TP where the caring spouse dies or becomes incapacitated and no power of attorney is in place for the children to take over the finances.

Usually, by that time, the parent with dementia is no longer able to manage their finances and quite possibly not capable of completing a power of attorney document.

If, for example, your mum was no longer capable of making a decision about power of attorney, then you and your sister would have to apply to the Court of Protection - which I believe is a bit more involved and expensive process that the EPA/LPA process.

Here are some links if you want to start thinking about the options in the future:

http://www.publicguardian.gov.uk/index.htm

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/CrimeJusticeAndTheLaw/Incapacityandthelaw/DG_176235

Take care,

 

[jenniferpa]

I think Karen is in Scotland (although her parents may not be). Anyway, Karen if they are in Scotland this is the link http://www.publicguardian-scotland.gov.uk/whatwedo/power_of_attorney.asp

 

[NewKid]

POA with a solicitor maybe?

Just a thought, might their solicitor (if you can work out who) have a copy of the signed POA? If it's been signed and set up at some point, then registration - through the solicitor? - legitimates it... I think?

 

[Nebiroth]

It is very common for attorney papers to be kept in the solicitor's vault.

If you call them they will at least be able to tell you whether they have a copy, and whether you are named as an attorney.

If you are not, they will not discuss it any further with you.

You say your sister signed some POA papers. This would imply that she, at least, is one one of the attorneys.

 

[jackie1]

Hi Karen,

I wish I could think of something positive or helpful to suggest but you and your sister have already done all that is possible.

I think that everyone is right, it will take a crisis before your dad accepts that he needs more help. Despite all the advice to the contrary he possibly can't accept that a few glasses of wine is doing her any harm and may also believe that it is one of the few pleasures that she has. That kind of perception is very difficult to counter, no matter how reasoned the argument.

Take care of yourself, you remain in my thoughts.

Love
Jackie
xx