I'm just on for a bit of a moan really and a bit of support I guess. I have been so emotional over the last couple of days and have been bawling my eyes out over the least wee thing
I know its mainly down to the fact my visit to see mum on Sunday was another complete waste of time. I get so frustrated as my husband drives me to the hospital which is on the other side of the city which takes nearly an hour, only to arrive to find that mum makes it perfectly clear she doesnt want me there! I know her behaviour is down to her illness but how long can I keep using this as an excuse?
Take for instance when I first arrived, one of the carers stopped me in the corridor saying, "Before you go see your mum, just to let you know she has had a fantastic day today .... we got a couple of laughs and smiles out of her and she even said a few words!" Shock, horror, you could have knocked me over with a feather!! Mum is just unresponsive to more or less everything and everyone at the minute. I was so excited and couldnt wait to go give her a great big hug. However, the minute I appeared that was her away again Whining, wailing, pushing me away, telling me to leave her alone, repeatedly shouting "it's not me" and "I'm not your mum" and refusing to get off her chair.
She answers everything with "How can I?????" e.g:
Me : Lets go for a walk and get some fresh air
Mum: How can I go for a walk?
Me : Let me brush your hair
Mum: How can you brush my hair?
Me : Why not try some of these nice grapes I brought up for you.
Mum: How can I try some of these grapes?
And so it goes on and on and on. Thats the only kind of convo I can have with her. I dont understand why she does it but sounds more like a habit or behaviourial problem to me now.
She is also holding her "wee" in all day now then round about tea time and during the night has massive "overflows" (thats how the nurse decribed it). They are taking her to the toilet regularly but she wont pass anything when they do. I dont understand why she is doing this or if she is completely unaware of it.
Anyway, after about half an hour, I decided to go as she was just getting more distressed and I was getting all harrassed. I tried to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and she literally pushed me away. So once again I left the damn hospital in tears as usual.
The carer saw I was upset and tried to comfort me. She said not to give up on her and assured me that she really was having a good day till I appeared and that was a "good sign." A couple of the other patients also told me that they got a smile out of mum. How come she can smile with the staff and patients but wont do so for her own daughter or the rest of her family? Why does she have to be so awkward when the family appear. Its so frustrating and it almost feels like she's trying to punish us I dont know quite how to explain it but its almost like, she doesnt want to TRY and get better cos I seriously think if she was more positive then the depression side of things may not be as big an issue as it is just now. Its like she wants her family to see her suffer. Does that make sense?
I just dont know what to do for the best anymore. I only see her once or twice a week as it is and my brothers and sister go up during the week too, we all get the same treatment. None of us including my mum get anything good out of these visits. I feel I cant not visit for two reasons which are deep down I do still want to see her and secondly, the guilt of course if I wasnt there. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head or she would communicate with us to tell us what she wants or needs. Its so frustrating
So I reckon thats why I just keep crying. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, feeling sorry for myself and mum and just cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, sorry, I've ended up rambling on again. Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading and for being there to anyone who has got this far.
Tomorrow's another day.......
Angela x
I know its mainly down to the fact my visit to see mum on Sunday was another complete waste of time. I get so frustrated as my husband drives me to the hospital which is on the other side of the city which takes nearly an hour, only to arrive to find that mum makes it perfectly clear she doesnt want me there! I know her behaviour is down to her illness but how long can I keep using this as an excuse?
Take for instance when I first arrived, one of the carers stopped me in the corridor saying, "Before you go see your mum, just to let you know she has had a fantastic day today .... we got a couple of laughs and smiles out of her and she even said a few words!" Shock, horror, you could have knocked me over with a feather!! Mum is just unresponsive to more or less everything and everyone at the minute. I was so excited and couldnt wait to go give her a great big hug. However, the minute I appeared that was her away again Whining, wailing, pushing me away, telling me to leave her alone, repeatedly shouting "it's not me" and "I'm not your mum" and refusing to get off her chair.
She answers everything with "How can I?????" e.g:
Me : Lets go for a walk and get some fresh air
Mum: How can I go for a walk?
Me : Let me brush your hair
Mum: How can you brush my hair?
Me : Why not try some of these nice grapes I brought up for you.
Mum: How can I try some of these grapes?
And so it goes on and on and on. Thats the only kind of convo I can have with her. I dont understand why she does it but sounds more like a habit or behaviourial problem to me now.
She is also holding her "wee" in all day now then round about tea time and during the night has massive "overflows" (thats how the nurse decribed it). They are taking her to the toilet regularly but she wont pass anything when they do. I dont understand why she is doing this or if she is completely unaware of it.
Anyway, after about half an hour, I decided to go as she was just getting more distressed and I was getting all harrassed. I tried to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and she literally pushed me away. So once again I left the damn hospital in tears as usual.
The carer saw I was upset and tried to comfort me. She said not to give up on her and assured me that she really was having a good day till I appeared and that was a "good sign." A couple of the other patients also told me that they got a smile out of mum. How come she can smile with the staff and patients but wont do so for her own daughter or the rest of her family? Why does she have to be so awkward when the family appear. Its so frustrating and it almost feels like she's trying to punish us I dont know quite how to explain it but its almost like, she doesnt want to TRY and get better cos I seriously think if she was more positive then the depression side of things may not be as big an issue as it is just now. Its like she wants her family to see her suffer. Does that make sense?
I just dont know what to do for the best anymore. I only see her once or twice a week as it is and my brothers and sister go up during the week too, we all get the same treatment. None of us including my mum get anything good out of these visits. I feel I cant not visit for two reasons which are deep down I do still want to see her and secondly, the guilt of course if I wasnt there. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head or she would communicate with us to tell us what she wants or needs. Its so frustrating
So I reckon thats why I just keep crying. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, feeling sorry for myself and mum and just cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, sorry, I've ended up rambling on again. Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading and for being there to anyone who has got this far.
Tomorrow's another day.......
Angela x