So emotional right now

Angela66

Registered User
May 29, 2009
56
0
Scotland
I'm just on for a bit of a moan really and a bit of support I guess. I have been so emotional over the last couple of days and have been bawling my eyes out over the least wee thing :(

I know its mainly down to the fact my visit to see mum on Sunday was another complete waste of time. I get so frustrated as my husband drives me to the hospital which is on the other side of the city which takes nearly an hour, only to arrive to find that mum makes it perfectly clear she doesnt want me there! :mad: I know her behaviour is down to her illness but how long can I keep using this as an excuse?

Take for instance when I first arrived, one of the carers stopped me in the corridor saying, "Before you go see your mum, just to let you know she has had a fantastic day today .... we got a couple of laughs and smiles out of her and she even said a few words!" Shock, horror, you could have knocked me over with a feather!! :eek: Mum is just unresponsive to more or less everything and everyone at the minute. I was so excited and couldnt wait to go give her a great big hug. However, the minute I appeared that was her away again :( Whining, wailing, pushing me away, telling me to leave her alone, repeatedly shouting "it's not me" and "I'm not your mum" and refusing to get off her chair.

She answers everything with "How can I?????" e.g:

Me : Lets go for a walk and get some fresh air
Mum: How can I go for a walk?
Me : Let me brush your hair
Mum: How can you brush my hair?
Me : Why not try some of these nice grapes I brought up for you.
Mum: How can I try some of these grapes?

And so it goes on and on and on. Thats the only kind of convo I can have with her. I dont understand why she does it but sounds more like a habit or behaviourial problem to me now.

She is also holding her "wee" in all day now then round about tea time and during the night has massive "overflows" (thats how the nurse decribed it). They are taking her to the toilet regularly but she wont pass anything when they do. I dont understand why she is doing this or if she is completely unaware of it.

Anyway, after about half an hour, I decided to go as she was just getting more distressed and I was getting all harrassed. I tried to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and she literally pushed me away. So once again I left the damn hospital in tears as usual.

The carer saw I was upset and tried to comfort me. She said not to give up on her and assured me that she really was having a good day till I appeared and that was a "good sign." A couple of the other patients also told me that they got a smile out of mum. How come she can smile with the staff and patients but wont do so for her own daughter or the rest of her family? Why does she have to be so awkward when the family appear. Its so frustrating and it almost feels like she's trying to punish us :( I dont know quite how to explain it but its almost like, she doesnt want to TRY and get better cos I seriously think if she was more positive then the depression side of things may not be as big an issue as it is just now. Its like she wants her family to see her suffer. Does that make sense?

I just dont know what to do for the best anymore. I only see her once or twice a week as it is and my brothers and sister go up during the week too, we all get the same treatment. None of us including my mum get anything good out of these visits. I feel I cant not visit for two reasons which are deep down I do still want to see her and secondly, the guilt of course if I wasnt there. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head or she would communicate with us to tell us what she wants or needs. Its so frustrating :mad:

So I reckon thats why I just keep crying. I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, feeling sorry for myself and mum and just cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, sorry, I've ended up rambling on again. Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading and for being there to anyone who has got this far.

Tomorrow's another day.......



Angela x
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
0
Dear Angela, I'm really sorry that you are having such a grim time at the moment. ALthough my mother never reacted to me exactly the way your mum does, she did sometimes maintain a distance, and she definitely showed more animation and pleasure when the carers appeared than when I was around, once or twice.

I think my mum was genuinely confused about who her real family were, and because the carers were on hand all the time, and in uniform, she simply began to relate more to them at times than she did to me. Actually, that was a good sign, because it meant she felt safe and happy. (Of course I was a bit miffed to see her bestowing beauteous smiles at them but it made me laugh too.)

Now hear this. You are allowed NOT to visit! You are allowed to have your own life and to recreation and to finding some pleasure and good health and well being. This is what your mum would have wanted for you had she been her normal self.

Back off for a day or two. Back off maybe for a week and find something nice to do. Then return when you feel refreshed. It's OK, it really is! And lower your expectations. If she wasn't a particularly positive person in her younger days, I'd say it was pretty unlikely that she could shape up in her golden ones, and especially if she is suffering from dementia, but I'd be very pleased to be proven wrong.

Good luck and kind regards,
Deborah xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Dear Angela

Tears fall for the least thing for so many of us and if it`s not for one reason it`s for another.
The top and bottom of it is the constant trying to be cheerful and comforting around dementia takes it`s toll.
I can never `cajole` my husband if he is in the wrong frame of mind. I can never get close to him if he is in a mood, or if he is unsure who I am.
I`m afraid it all has to be on his terms, so if he doesn`t want me I withdraw, only to be ready for when he does.

There could be many reasons for your mother`s behaviour. As Deborah said, she might not be quite sure who you are or she might be cross with you. And the more she rejects you the harder you try.

Perhaps you could try to visit her as a friend or neighbour would. As you would visit a friend of your mother. In a more detached way.
It will not be easy for you, it is so important for you to feel she is happy in the home I know, and that may be why you are so upset. Your mother is not playing the game. Perhaps she is unable to, perhaps she is playing her own game. Who knows.

I`m with you on the floodgates Angela. I just let the tears fall. They stop eventually.

Love xx
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Angela

I felt so sad and sorry that you are having such a rough time with it. It must be heartbreaking for you and your other brothers and sisters.

It did make me think that it might be time to change tack and to accept that this way doesn't work for either your mum or yourself (including your siblings). Your mum is unable to change so that means that you need to think about trying to find a way of approaching your mum in a completely different way. Many of us have had to go through such massive personal changes along the journey and it is not at all easy but can be rewarding for both your mum and yourself. Perhaps you could try to think of yourself as a nurse when you visit and adopt the approach of a nurse. Maybe not trying to get too close to mum. Not kissing her or offering to do anything that requires too much personal closeness. It might be a good idea to talk to the nurses and ask them to help you and your family to come up with some ideas.

I do wish you all the very best Angela and will look forward to hearing how you get on:)

Love
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
She said not to give up on her and assured me that she really was having a good day till I appeared and that was a "good sign." A couple of the other patients also told me that they got a smile out of mum. How come she can smile with the staff and patients but wont do so for her own daughter or the rest of her family?

Hi Angela

I often get the same when I go into see John. He's sleeping in his chair, or at least won't open his eyes, nd the staff tell me, 'Oh, he was really bright before you came, he was laughing at us when we dressed him.'

Now tat doesn't make me feel better. I want to have him home, I want to be the one dressing him, I want to be the one he laughs with. Not possible, but short of moving in with him :eek: I'm inevitably going to miss some of the high points.:(

Why does she have to be so awkward when the family appear. Its so frustrating and it almost feels like she's trying to punish us :( I dont know quite how to explain it but its almost like, she doesnt want to TRY and get better cos I seriously think if she was more positive then the depression side of things may not be as big an issue as it is just now. Its like she wants her family to see her suffer. Does that make sense?

It does make sense.:)

I think many people with dementia retain some social awareness, and can be polite and co-operative with strangers. With family, they don't need to bother.

Its like she wants her family to see her suffer.

I think there's an element of that too. Your mum wants you to know that she is not happy where she is, and that it's all your fault! It's emotional blackmail.

All you can do is try to accept this, and try to distance yourself a bit. Accept what the staff say. Your mum is fine, and is not really unhappy. But she's hanged if she'll let you see that!;)

Keep visiting, and try not to be upset. If itgets too much, walk away. Even just go down the corridor and talk to the staff for a while. When you go back, the mood may have changed. If not, leave.

If your mumrecognises that the blackmail isn't working she may stop doing it. Ot she may genuinely not know she's doing it, in which case it will be harder. But it's worth a try.

Love,
 

weeze

Registered User
Oct 4, 2006
121
0
nottingham
My mum is pretty much the same with me at the minute too and it is hard to deal with. I try to remind myself its not really her its the disease but I too have days where the slightest thing can make me blub. Give yourself a few days off she'll be fine without your visit and go back when you feel ready.
As hard as it is sometime you have to remember to look after yourself there are lots of people looking after you mum.
 

Angela66

Registered User
May 29, 2009
56
0
Scotland
Thank you

Thank you for all your replies. The support and understanding that you lovely people offer on here is very genuine, touching and heartfelt. I feel you are all my best friends now! :D

There are a lot of valid points in your replies and think I will be putting a few of them to the test when I go back and see mum over the weekend. I shall visit with an open mind and not expect anything. Think thats part of the problem you see. Cos I see her roughly once a week, I expect some sort of change, for the better of course, but this never seems to happen. I feel bad for having a "whinge" about it because I only visit once a week whereas I know some of you on here go every day to visit your loved ones. I would love to visit more but realistically, what good would mum or I get from it? She just gets really distressed when I appear and I just leave the hospital in tears every time :(

Anyway, I will try and visit mum, as mentioned in the replies, as a friend, or neighbour or nurse and try distance myself from mum though I know I will find this very hard cos I always want to hug her and reassure her but I will try my best not to. I will sit quietly and see how she reacts to me then.

Someone mentioned mum is happy in the hospital. I dont know if she is actually, certainly doesnt look like it. Even if she is, I wish she would tell me so then I dont think I would be so upset knowing she is in there and having to leave her after every visit all distressed :(

My husband actually told me today to "take a back seat and start looking after myself more and get my life back". I must admit, I do feel washed out both physically and mentally most of the time and I have mum on my mind 24/7 and cant seem to switch off! :mad: I feel it is my duty as a daughter to be there for mum and will never give up on her but I will "try" and be a bit more positive and optimistic .... though my glass is always half empty these days!

Thank you again for being there and will let you know how things progress.

Take care,


Angela x
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Angela

I think you have had good advice. Try to be a bit detached when you visit, almost as if it is not your mum but a neighbour. You might need to build up a new relationship in a different vein. It will be horrid, but better than no relationship. Stick at it, and see what happens, and let us know. I have no such experience but can somehow imagine what you are going through. I struck up a relationship with one of mum's fellow patients and that was quite nice and productive. Perhaps you have to look at mum as a new person.

Not what you want, I know, but it might work.

Love

Margaret
 

PeterG

Registered User
Oct 17, 2003
25
0
Hertfordshire, UK
My wife can stand about an hour & a half of me when I visit in the afternoons. She is initially pleased to see me, we have a chat (a bit one way traffic of course), then she starts getting irritable & cross with me.

So I arrive now at 3pm instead of 2pm & stay until dinner time at 4.30, so I can see her sitting down at a table with her "friends".

I make adjustments to try & ensure her peace of mind, not mine so much.