Assessment Centre - a break at last?

PeterG

Registered User
Oct 17, 2003
25
0
Hertfordshire, UK
Jen is 61, (me too), she's had Alz. for 10 years, I've been home caring for the last 6 years. Jen's behaviour deteriorated a lot over the last 6 months, fighting me etc., psyc. nurse came once a month & saw this, Jen hit her with a cushion on last visit! Got early entry into the local Assessment Centre in St Albans mid July, no idea how long for, she has to come off the multitude of drugs she was on, & they are going to try Ebixa.

Was the hardest day of my life taking her, getting her unpacked in her room. Nurses helping out, I was "OK" until it came to leave, Jen getting cross, I just lost control & fell into a corner sobbing, saying over & over that I can't do this anymore. When I came round a bit & was going, Jen looked into my eyes with a caring worried expression & reached out her hand to me, as if to say, don't be sad. That moment will never leave me I know.

Now I'm living at home without her, doing not much, dozing a lot, drinking strong expressos & eating **** takeaways too much. Place needs cleaning, can't be bothered, maybe this is a normal reaction?

The centre is new, private rooms, large garden for walking, sitting, 30 or so people in there mostly older, really sweet nurses, always 2 or 3 on duty at least, nothing is too much trouble for them. I bring cakes, fruit salads & sometimes Jen will sit for a while with me, but if the Occupational Therapist is there I'm blown out & she goes off to be with her. Mostly she can tolerate 1 hour of my company then she's off wandering & getting cross with me so I leave, don't want her to be upset, just want her to have some peace of mind.

I take a laptop & show videos of the family, especially the twin grandsons (8 yrs & too cute for their own good!)

I've decorated her room with loads of photos, large & small & encourage people to send me/bring photos for the wall, rather than flowers & stuff. We look at them sometimes & talk about who they are. There is 1 lovely photo of Jen, large, on the wall as she was couple of years ago, laughing, dancing, that's who she was.

Senior nurse tells me she is settling in better now, hope it stays that way.

Friends & relations, oh yes, 1 or 2 come to visit, mostly they have reasons they can't visit. One sister lives 10 minutes away from us, been once stayed for 1 hour. This makes me angry, but to what purpose? Nowt I can do except say how much Jen loves visitors, dropping heavy hints.

Don't know how long this will continue, I was told could be 2, 3 months or more, maybe she will not go home at all. All I want is peace of mind for her, not important if that's at home, or wherever she is.

Just wanted to write this down, I have no answers for anyone just experiences to share.

Love to all
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,444
0
Kent
It`s heartbreaking isn`t it Peter and we all have either been there, or know we will be there eventually.
One of the most difficult aspects of dementia is the progressive detachment. We know who we are caring for but somehow when dementia strikes it often damages the feelings of belonging and the feelings of loyalty in those we care for.
I hope you will be able to recharge your batteries and recover from the trauma. Let yourself go with the flow for as long as it takes as you need recovery time too.
Take care xx
 

katherine

Registered User
Sep 5, 2006
57
0
Hello Peter
keep eating your takeaways and drinking strong coffee and eat some cake too. Sounds like you deserve it...10 years is a hell of a long time to be looking after someone flat out. It'll get easier - i think the stage you're in is a heartbreaking one. i hope you start to feel better. You sound very lovely - i know what you mean about being mad at family and wondering what the point is in being angry. I've let my anger go for now but no doubt it'll come back some time.
Take care
Katherine
 

PeterG

Registered User
Oct 17, 2003
25
0
Hertfordshire, UK
Thank you so much for the kind replies, am going to clean 1 room today! Well, its a start.

My anger, I kmow is natural, but also I know some people have difficulty with illness, in that they have no idea how to speak to me so they choose not to speak at all. My strategy is to answer the how are you question with something non-commital, ok, muddling through etc., then ask them a question about themselves. If they persist in asking about Jen, or Alz., then I'll go into a bit more detail. Most times you get a bit of looking away, uncomfortable shifting around.

With our sons, I try not to burden them too much, they've got their lives to lead, careers to carve out, families/partners to care for. They are supportive, Alex comes to visit Jen once a week or more, Nick's in Bristol with family, but he is coming for the weekend this week.

This forum is the one place I can express my true feelings, I do know there are so many other people out there with similiar problems,

Anyway, thanks again for the replies, I'll be back.
 

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