Once again Theresa seems to be on a downward slope, several incident have happened this week. Firstly on Wednesday I heard her getting up and when I came down the stairs I had to double take as Theresa was all dressed up including wearing a hat, on asking her where she was going, she replied that she was going to her daughter's wedding,(her daughter actually got married 25years ago. At first I wasn't sure how to handle this but decided the best way was to just tell her that she would probably better going back upstairs and to put her normal clothes on as there was no wedding today. This she did without any questions. After giving her her breakfast and tablets she settled down for a snooze. Around about 11am, I went to see if she wanted a cuppa tea and she was sitting with her coat and hat on and said she was waiting for her friend to come and take her for dinner, I explained that it was only wednesday and she wouldn't be going for dinner until sunday. The rest of the day pasted without much else happening. On thursday morning nothing much happened but we did get a letter in the post from the mental health team who said that they would be coming out to do an assessment, it explained that the doctor had been in touch with them, Theresa's reply was,"I am not having anybody comming here as there is nothing wrong with me and I haven't seen a doctor in years". About an hour after this she came and said to me "How long have you lot been plotting to put me in a home, well I am not going". Once again tried to explain that nobody was going to put her in a home. Friday started off quite good until we received a phone call about 11.30 from her friend to say that it was another friends birthday and they were invited down to the home where she is for a tea party and that she would be picked up at 1.40. Well from the moment that we put down the phone Theresa put her coat on and went to the front door, on asking her what she was doing she said that she was waiting for Jean, I told her that it was too early and would tell her when it was time. I then spent the next 2 hours bringing Theresa in the house every time she went out the door. About 40 minutes before she was due to go my daughter came round and she also brought her back in and she told Theresa that she still had40minutes to wait and Theresa said that her watch said it was 2.30, Jo explained that her watch was wrong and put it right for her. We have started to notice that Theresa keeps altering the clocks and her watch to the time that she thinks it is. Anyway she went off for her party and I had a little time to myself. When Raymond came home from work I explained to him what had happened today and as usual he changed the subject. Later he went out with his mate and I was once again left looking after his mother. The evening was quit eventful what with the phoning keep ringing and there being nobody there according to Theresa, although I never heard the phone ring once and the wardens alarm keep talking to her, which it wasn't. I was in the dinning room doing the ironing, when she came in and said to me" thank you Mary for doing the washing an ironing for me", who Mary is I have no idea. At 10.30pm I told Theresa that she might as well go to bed as Ray had a key and I didn't know what time he would be in and that I was going to bed myself. We then spend the next hour going up and down stairs because she kept going to the front door to see if he was coming, and staring through the blinds in her bedroom. Eventually she seemed to settle, then ray came in and she was up again, he asked her why she wasn't in bed and to go back and she asked him where his dad was, we once again had to explain that he had died 5years ago. Tried to talk to Ray about his mum and he tried to change the subject, eventually did get something out of him and he said that he can't deal with it. WE moved in here as he didn't want his mum to go in a home but I am the one dealing with it all, with very little help from him. And now at this stupid o'clock in the morning I am up as Theresa as been up and down most of the night opening the front door as she said that someone keeps knocking at the door, nobody there of course. Its not that I mind looking after heresa but if anybody knows of any way that I can get Ray to accept what is happening to his mother and help a bit more I would very much appreiciate it, his sister helps when she can and is always there to talk to me if I need it but we both cant get Ray to accept what is happening
Advice Needed
- Thread starter verity76
- Start date
Good thinking Ishard. Go out and leave them together for several hours. Its a shame that your husband can't be asked to do the ironing or some other jobs and look after his mother at the same time. Perhaps he would understand your days if this could happen.
xxTinaT
xxTinaT
I really feel
for you ..but I wonder is this just that you want him to accept whats happening ...isnt it practical help and support and a 50/50 share of the duties you REALLY want ? ...many of my family accept my mothers condition but any practical help is still zero..not as bad for me as she doesnt live with me but still very frustrating as I am always the first port of call! (only port of call in fact)
Frankly , if Ray cant /wont help , then whether he or Theresa like it or not, harsh as it sounds and many will call me heartless, there is a strong chance it will end up as "her or you" ....and I dont think you should be expected to sacrifice yourself !
i dont know you and Im sorry if this comes over as brutal but I think the way you seem to be treated is apalling , fair enough he has to go to work but he should share the care evenings and weekends at the very least!
for you ..but I wonder is this just that you want him to accept whats happening ...isnt it practical help and support and a 50/50 share of the duties you REALLY want ? ...many of my family accept my mothers condition but any practical help is still zero..not as bad for me as she doesnt live with me but still very frustrating as I am always the first port of call! (only port of call in fact)
Frankly , if Ray cant /wont help , then whether he or Theresa like it or not, harsh as it sounds and many will call me heartless, there is a strong chance it will end up as "her or you" ....and I dont think you should be expected to sacrifice yourself !
i dont know you and Im sorry if this comes over as brutal but I think the way you seem to be treated is apalling , fair enough he has to go to work but he should share the care evenings and weekends at the very least!
It might help if someone not involved could talk to your husband. Perhaps a doctor? A person whose opinion he trusts and values?
Denial is very common in family members. Unfortunately, women seem to be the ones who do most of the caring also - I speak of parents with AD here, not spouses, which is an entirely different matter. So you are the one who is bearing the brunt of all this.
I think you should go shopping or something for a few hours on a Saturday and he can take care of his mother. Just go - make a day of it - go with your sister-in-law so he won't have a backup.
He needs to come to grips with the reality of the situation, as hard as it is.
Denial is very common in family members. Unfortunately, women seem to be the ones who do most of the caring also - I speak of parents with AD here, not spouses, which is an entirely different matter. So you are the one who is bearing the brunt of all this.
I think you should go shopping or something for a few hours on a Saturday and he can take care of his mother. Just go - make a day of it - go with your sister-in-law so he won't have a backup.
He needs to come to grips with the reality of the situation, as hard as it is.
I do sympathise with you. My father in law lives with us and for a long time my husband refused to accept that his father had any problems and always seemed to make excuses for him. It did take a moment of me saying I had had enough and simply couldn't cope anymore on my own. He needed his eyes to be opened as to what was happening. When my father in law fell at home and was taken to hospital we asked Social Services for help and it was given. Although my father in law refuses to go into respite or even day care it is easier now and we do manage to laugh sometimes 
I wish you luck but you must insist that your husband listens and understands that it is too much for you on your own.
I wish you luck but you must insist that your husband listens and understands that it is too much for you on your own.Sadly, all the behaviors you describe are part and parcel of dementia...there is nothing unusual in what you describe at Theresa's stage of the condition.
The big problem is Ray's denial, and his refusal to help; the entire load seems to be falling on your shoulders.
I am guessing that Ray is very frightened - it may sound sexist to say this, but sons and mothers are usually extremely close (the same goes with daughters and fathers, I'm sure there are many reasons. I'm not saying that daughters aren't close to their mothers, etc, but the mother-son bond does often seem to be very strong). His denial is, in a very real way, exactly the same as the denial that is often present in bereavement; his mother, at least the person of her, is dying in fron tof his eyes, at least mentally. You, as an in-law, do not sahre this very powerful, biilogical bond, and are thus able to view the situation from a more practical and rational viewpoint. And, moreover, it is you that is bearing the brunt of things.
I think that going out for a day is a very good idea.
I can't help but wonder if there might be counselling available? Perhaps even from a bereavement cousellor, because I am sure that is what Ray is experiencing.
The big problem is Ray's denial, and his refusal to help; the entire load seems to be falling on your shoulders.
I am guessing that Ray is very frightened - it may sound sexist to say this, but sons and mothers are usually extremely close (the same goes with daughters and fathers, I'm sure there are many reasons. I'm not saying that daughters aren't close to their mothers, etc, but the mother-son bond does often seem to be very strong). His denial is, in a very real way, exactly the same as the denial that is often present in bereavement; his mother, at least the person of her, is dying in fron tof his eyes, at least mentally. You, as an in-law, do not sahre this very powerful, biilogical bond, and are thus able to view the situation from a more practical and rational viewpoint. And, moreover, it is you that is bearing the brunt of things.
I think that going out for a day is a very good idea.
I can't help but wonder if there might be counselling available? Perhaps even from a bereavement cousellor, because I am sure that is what Ray is experiencing.
