Shelley,
I can totally relate to what you say. In fact, that could have been me writing it
My mum has also deteriorated in the last few weeks and it scares me greatly too. I always thought I was a strong person but all of this has made me realise just how weak-willed I actually am and again, its the helplessness and not being able to make a difference to mum's life that really gets to me. I feel like I've lost my "real" mum and understand now when the doc told me months ago I am grieving for the mum I had
When I visit my mum in the assessment ward, I dont know this woman. She looks at me like she's never seen me before. I hug her loads and give her loads of kisses on the cheek but there is no response. I dont necessarily need to feel love from her because I understand she is ill, but I would really love if she could feel every hug and all the love I have for her but I truly dont think she gets anything from me. It just feels so empty when I see her now. I look at pics of mum this time last year where she is laughing and think, "wot happened?" I'd give anything to see just even a little smirk on mum's face these days. Its been so long, all she does is cry a lot.
I know what you mean about your mum "looking blind". I look into mum's eyes, there is no emotion ... just a great big nothing. I long to see laughter in her eyes, or even just a little glimpse that she's not "hurting" mentally. She doesnt say very much at all and just looks like a little startled rabbit facing an oncoming vehicle. She did say the other day when I was visiting though "I'm not your mum" ... that hurt like hell but I kinda understand where she's coming from.
She too has also lost an incredible amount of weight, mum was always a little plump .... "fat and happy" I used to say to her!!
Every time I leave her in that place I cry loads. Then I get angry with the world and ask all the usual stuff which I'm sure we've all said on TP, "why did this have to happen to my mum" etc. Then I feel bad for crying cos I think, why the hell am I crying, mum's the one who's going through mental torture at the minute, my head's fine. If I could be in mum's head for just one day to see whats going on in there.
'You don't know what you've got till it's gone' .... thats very true, had I have known mum was going to become so ill, I would have done things so differently with her. I just feel so cheated that I probably wont be able to make things up to her now
I was always a big believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" .... please someone tell me the reason for this then? I try stay strong but I feel I'm losing to this damn illness with each passing day.
Sorry, I feel like I hi-jacked your post but reading yours gave me the inspiration to write down what I was thinking too and just to let you know, you're not alone.
I hope I can find the strength and energy to go on and hopefully you will too Shelley.
Dont give up on your mum
Take care,
Angela x