Deterioration

[ella]

I have not been on here for sometime now but I am at a loss as to which way to turn.....My mother was originally diagnosed with the onset of Alzheimer's last July. Since that time she has been in a psychiatric unit on several occasions with bad depression loss of appetite and no interest in going out. My father is 88 and has Paget's disease and he is finding it very difficult to cope with mum. I moved to Yorkshire 23 years ago and they live in London, my mother seems to think I moved away recently from them, abandoning them in their old age! She apparently goes on & on about this plus the fact that she dislikes my husband from 7am until she goes to bed at night. She rings me nearly everyday to either say " I never want to speak to you or see you again" and not to go to her funeral or my dads! Then, I will get a phone call saying she is sorry and she loves me but I still should not have left them.....
I have been off work myself with stress and find myself crying a lot these days. My dad has threatened suicide or to walk out & now he's saying she needs to go in somewhere to be cared for, this makes me feel very guilty and upset! I went down to help them in May but while I was there I fell in the street, broke my ankle in 3 places and ended up in hospital for over a week. I had to have surgery & I am immobile so I cannot drive or get around to go down and take some of the pressure off poor dad!
Sorry for going on and on but I need to get this off my chest
xx

 

[Vonny]

Oh Ella, what a time of it you are having.

Sadly, it is no use arguing the truth of things with dementia sufferers. They can and will argue black is white while they have breath in their body.

Do you think your mum would accept the excuse that you had to leave for your job (thus exonerating your husband).

Does your dad have a support package in place for your mum? He really can't be expected at that age to be caring for your mum on his own.

If he hasn't already had one, I recommend an immediate carer's assessment for your dad. Call in Social Services. It's difficult enough for you to help with caring from a distance without the disadvantage of a broken ankle.

Please get some help in as soon as you can.

Vonny xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Ella

I don't suppose there is much that you can do about your parents' situation but I'm glad that you have Talking Point in order that you get the support that you need. Your situation sounds quite dire at the moment with your poorly ankle but hopefully you will find comfort in others that can identify with your situation.

Love and best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Ella

I`m really sorry you are having to suffer such emotional blackmail from your parents.
I`m afraid as far as your mother is concerned I`d tell her it is unfortunate the way things have turned out but that`s how they are and they can`t be changed so she`ll have to accept it.
When she is abusive on the phone I would tell her I will hang up if she doesn`t speak respectfully.
If she was only diagnosed in July she should still have some control.
Your father is the main worry. If he doesn`t have help. perhaps you could contact their GP and ask for a referral to Social Services to see if your father can get some support.

I apologize if I sound too heavy handed about your mother but her behaviour should not be tolerated if it is making you so ill.

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Ella

I hesitate to reply cos I think I must have missed another thread. This thread has no mention of your husband, so I don't understand what he needs to be exonerated for.

Sounds like your dad cannot cope with mum. Grannie G suggests that if mum was only diagnosed in July, she should still have some control. Just to say that my mum switched from being manageable to being unmanageable in less than a week.

Your mum might not be able to help how she is behaving. It sounds extreme and nasty, but it might be just the way she is at the moment. I wouldn't describe it as emotional blackmail, I have had that in my own family from a member who had no signs of dementia at all. Surely a person under stress cannot be designated as providing emotional blackmail?

Sorry if I have missed something, but this thread seems to be all against your mum, and I haven't found anything here to slate her about.

Margaret

 

[Nebiroth]

Such a rapid deterioration would be unusual in Alzheimer's but not in vascular dementia. Aside from hw the symptoms progress, the two can be very difficult to separate, espescially in the early stages.

It might be worth seeing if your mum could be reasessed.

However, it is possible for personality changes to appear seemingly overnight; it happened with my father.

Unfortunately, dementias are basically untreatable although some drugs may alleviate some symptoms (such as anxiety or agression). But if someone basically turns nasty (but not agressive) there's not really a pill for that. Delusions like the ones you describe are very common and again, there's not really a pill for them, and the usual cognitive treatments (like counselling) don't work because people with dementia find it very hard to comprehend new ways of thinking, and forget them anyway. Reason and logic won't work. It could be a passing phase that will disappear, but then again, maybe not; my father never lost his delusions. Your mum could be "trying it on" but probably she isn't; she does mean the things she says at the time, but it's the illness that makes her think that way. It can be absolutely heartbreaking to hear a loved one coming out with this sort of stuff. Personality changes can be oen of th emost distressing features of the illness.

It sounds as though the main concern is your father. An 88 year old ill person can't be expected to cope with this. Any talk about suicide should always be taken seriously, even if you believe the person saying it does not mean it or is attempting emotional blackmail (which I suspect is not the case - this sort of thing relentlessly day in and day out will eventually break anyone).

Your dad needs to arrange to have a care assessment, for both your mum and himself. As main carer he has a right for a carer's assessment which take into account his needs. It sounds as though at the very least, there needs to be either daycare or respite care to give your dad a break. Your dad must tell social services how he feels (cannot cope, wants to leave, suicidal) because they will always assume carers can and will cope until there is a crisis or they are told in no uncertain terms that things cannot go on as they are.

Ultimately, if he really cannot cope then the only practical way forward is to consider residential care for your mum. She may not seem "bad enough" but if her only carer is your dad and he can't cope then it might be the only resort. It depends on how your mum would react (if she spends all day telling dad how she hates him, she might actually welcome it!)

 

[ella]

Thank you all very much for your advice it is helpful in many ways!

I think my mum has always blamed my husband for me moving up to Yorkshire, because that is where he originally comes from! A few years go my parents came to stay with us for Christmas, our son gave up his room for them & slept in the lounge. On Boxing day my parents got up really early and were going into the lounge to sit, my husband asked them not to go in there because our son was still asleep & it was too early! Since that day my mother say's my husband insulted her in her own daughter's house and she will never step foot in here again or forgive him.....I find this very drastic to say the least. These are the two things she keeps going on & on to my dad every single day and that my dad has always stuck up for me!!

Social Social are involved and the Admiral nurse's have also started to visit between them they are talking about a nursing home for mum for respite, hopefully this will happen soon before my dad ends up ill.

It's certainly a cruel disease and it has shocked me how quickly my mum has reached this point. People who visit her have also said she is getting nasty - and I guess there is worse to come!!

xx

 

[Cl13]

Hi Ella, I'm sorry to hear your dad "god love him" is having such a bad time with your mum,
You say the powers that be are talking about respite, well I think its time they stopped talking and time to start doing some-thing,
your dad is in crisis just now and I wouldn't mind betting he has been for some time.
you need to speak to mums SW and if possible mums and dads DR/Dr's yourself and tell them all just how bad things are, tell them that dad is all your mums got and if he has a breakdown or walks out she'll be on her own, and that even if you were well enough to help it would only be a weekend, dad needs long term help and he needs it now.
Ella, I had a bad spell with my mum and her SW offered me respite in 2 days.

Now your mum, emotional blackmail, my mum has LBD and she is an expert at it, and only aims it at me, and I am the only person who has helped her in the last 3yrs, every time my mum starts shouting and glaring at me I end up in tears, its awful,
and its only recently I have said anything,
I walked out of my mums room in the CH I told her I had not gone there for her to sit being nasty to me, I went into a lounge,
mum was gobsmacked to see me sitting there as she thought I had gone home,and there she was chatting to people on her way in,
she had just spent 20 mins telling me how lonely she was and how she wouldnt sit with the people in the lounge because she didnt know them,
The staff who are well used to dealing with people with dementia
said mum was settling and chatting to people and not to be upset as mum was just trying to put me on a guilt trip,
and I think there right, she used to do it when she was living with me because she couldn't go back to her own home, I reminded mum that I hadn't dragged her kicking and screaming, she could have gone into a home 9 months ago, but she didn't she was glad to come with me.
So yes Ella I do believe my mum knows exactly how to upset me, and so it seems does yours.

I hope you all get some help very soon, for now take care.

Love Lynn