Dad going downhill fast and taking me with him
- Thread starter Mjaqmac
- Start date
My darling lovely girl, stop crying and hold your head up very, very high. You are the miracle of your parent's love!! You are surely one of the best I have come across in a long, long time. I know how hard it is taking my husband out, what with his confusion, incontinence and his mobility problems it is getting very, very hard and I'm exhausted by it. I can come home and rest - but you!! You bring both dad and baby home and continue to care. No wonder you are exhausted, God bless you. With the best will in the world you must take care or you will drop down with exhaustion!
I don't think your doctor is qualified enough in dementia medicine to offer you very much. Use the diazapan - it will help you and dad a little but I think it is time to get more help from a consultant who is very much up to scratch with a mixture of medicine for dementia.
You also need long term help from the Social Worker putting into place such as a good few days of day care to enable you to have some time bringing up your baby and respite care for a few weeks to give you time to rest.
What a great big heart you have.
xxTinaT
I don't think your doctor is qualified enough in dementia medicine to offer you very much. Use the diazapan - it will help you and dad a little but I think it is time to get more help from a consultant who is very much up to scratch with a mixture of medicine for dementia.
You also need long term help from the Social Worker putting into place such as a good few days of day care to enable you to have some time bringing up your baby and respite care for a few weeks to give you time to rest.
What a great big heart you have.
xxTinaT
Get some help
Dear Mjaqmac
What a wonderful human being you are. You are literally one in a million, if not many millions. I just don't know how you cope.
Please, please get some help for yourself and your Dad. You cannot do it all by yourself. Your description of coming home and crying sounds very much like me when my dear Mum died and I was very close to a breakdown. You have been through so much and there is only so much one person can take. Get some help and some time to enjoy your child.
Dear Mjaqmac
What a wonderful human being you are. You are literally one in a million, if not many millions. I just don't know how you cope.
Please, please get some help for yourself and your Dad. You cannot do it all by yourself. Your description of coming home and crying sounds very much like me when my dear Mum died and I was very close to a breakdown. You have been through so much and there is only so much one person can take. Get some help and some time to enjoy your child.
Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I am very tired but hubby will be off soon for hols though we will be stuck in house minding dad most of the time, I have asked for a wheelchair for dad as it is getting to that stage now. I have a CPN coming up next week so maybe more help will be put in place. This is such a sad disease, it just breaks my heart to have to watch this all over again after seeing it with mum.
I seem to have hit a very bad patch with caring. I am tired all the time but it's the terrible grief I am currently experiencing that is hard to bear. I have just seen dad off in the special taxi for 4 hours of daycare and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. It is as if my father has already died. This overpowering grief is horrible, my face is sore I am crying so much, I want so much to enjoy these few hours with my baby but I'm so very tired, I watched my husband go off to golf with his dad as he does every Sat without fail and I just felt so abandoned by him and my family. I suppose I'm just having a down day but it feels like this 'phase' I'm going through will never pass, the tears and the unbearable sadness, and there is nothing I can do but just cry it out and wait for something to change inside me to cope better with it all.
I can't understand why the greif has hit now and so badly.
I can't understand why the greif has hit now and so badly.
I think you have answered your own question
Because you are so tired.
When we are in a particular phase it doesn't seem like it will ever pass. It will eventually - only of course to be replaced by yet another phase with its own challenges, but some phases, like the one you are in now can be the most upsetting and wearing.
It's very hard seeing others enjoying a normal relationship with their parent, and it brings home to you what you have lost.
I know you can't see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. Please try and get a good rest.
Because you are so tired.
When we are in a particular phase it doesn't seem like it will ever pass. It will eventually - only of course to be replaced by yet another phase with its own challenges, but some phases, like the one you are in now can be the most upsetting and wearing.
It's very hard seeing others enjoying a normal relationship with their parent, and it brings home to you what you have lost.
I know you can't see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. Please try and get a good rest.
Dear Magic
It is so sad Magic and I am so sorry that you are experiencing it really acutely at the moment. This is just a thought. Have you checked out with the GP whether you may have post natal depression? If you haven't, it might be a good idea to have this checked because, if so, there is help for you
In the meantime, sending love and a big (((HUG)))x
It is so sad Magic and I am so sorry that you are experiencing it really acutely at the moment. This is just a thought. Have you checked out with the GP whether you may have post natal depression? If you haven't, it might be a good idea to have this checked because, if so, there is help for you
In the meantime, sending love and a big (((HUG)))x
Hi Magic, I hope you have stopped crying now, like I say to my granddaughter when she's not well " please dont cry darling, it makes your head hurt "
You really need to get your dad into emergency respite while your OH is on holiday and get some family time so you can enjoy your baby and not just look after it.
Day care is not enough you are exhausted,did some-one tell you you were super woman in another life, 4hrs, I bet you spend that time playing catch up instead of a relaxing time on your own or with the baby.
I couldn't believe you on the escalator with your dad and a baby
crying out loud, is there no lift.
I hope you can get the help Magic, at this rate your family will be the ones needing help.
Try to get your dad back to his consultant for help, meantime the meds your Dr has given you will be fine, he wont give them out long enough to get anyone addicted, my OH was on Triazapam, "probably not spelt right" at one time and when things settled his Dr weened him off.
Hope things improve for you soon. (((((big big hugs)))))
Take care
Love Lynn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You really need to get your dad into emergency respite while your OH is on holiday and get some family time so you can enjoy your baby and not just look after it.
Day care is not enough you are exhausted,did some-one tell you you were super woman in another life, 4hrs, I bet you spend that time playing catch up instead of a relaxing time on your own or with the baby.
I couldn't believe you on the escalator with your dad and a baby
crying out loud, is there no lift.
I hope you can get the help Magic, at this rate your family will be the ones needing help.
Try to get your dad back to his consultant for help, meantime the meds your Dr has given you will be fine, he wont give them out long enough to get anyone addicted, my OH was on Triazapam, "probably not spelt right" at one time and when things settled his Dr weened him off.
Hope things improve for you soon. (((((big big hugs)))))
Take care
Love Lynn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Magic
Its been awhile since i have seen you on,or maybe i missed your posts,i am so sorry things have got so bad with your dad,everyone else has gave you good advice,you do have to look after yourself to.I hope you get things sorted out next week you take care and remember i am not far away if you need help please just asks Marian xx
Its been awhile since i have seen you on,or maybe i missed your posts,i am so sorry things have got so bad with your dad,everyone else has gave you good advice,you do have to look after yourself to.I hope you get things sorted out next week you take care and remember i am not far away if you need help please just asks Marian xx
Thanks everyone for all your support. It really helps to come here. I felt so bad yesterday and couldn't stop crying I had to ask my husband to come home. It has become apparant to me that I am basically on my last legs trying to cope with dad, my toddler, the house and my job. Even with 4 calls from carers coming in every day through the week (but I don't get them at weekends just to get a bit of a lie in myself!) I am poopped!
I think I will listen to my SW and accept that maybe a few days to begin with for dad in respite care might be what I need, on the other hand doing this is going to be a nightmare, mum didn't know me or her home so it wasn't so traumatic, where as dad stalks me day and night even waiting outside the loo sometimes, I'm sure most of you have this too. This is just another horrible stage in this stinking disease that I am going to have to move into, respite sounds great in theory but it doesn't always work the way it's supposed to. What those around a carer don't seem to understand is you don't just flick a switch and stop feeling and being a carer because your loved one is somewhere else. I have started the living grief stage and I doubt anything much is going to help until I come up out of the tide of sorrow from losing dad. This disease is like being told your loved one has died but yet you still have to live with a hologram of them. I miss my father with all my heart we have been together all our lives and it is hitting me very hard not being able to chat and get his opinions and advice, he was a fab dad he truly was, he still is last night he could see by my face I'd been crying he tried to put himself to bed to save me the trouble and managed to tell me he loved me although it was so hard for him to get the words out, and people wonder why you try so hard when you're a carer!
Oh well off to get through another day I have a sitter for 4 hours today and I'm taking my little one to the beach.
I think I will listen to my SW and accept that maybe a few days to begin with for dad in respite care might be what I need, on the other hand doing this is going to be a nightmare, mum didn't know me or her home so it wasn't so traumatic, where as dad stalks me day and night even waiting outside the loo sometimes, I'm sure most of you have this too. This is just another horrible stage in this stinking disease that I am going to have to move into, respite sounds great in theory but it doesn't always work the way it's supposed to. What those around a carer don't seem to understand is you don't just flick a switch and stop feeling and being a carer because your loved one is somewhere else. I have started the living grief stage and I doubt anything much is going to help until I come up out of the tide of sorrow from losing dad. This disease is like being told your loved one has died but yet you still have to live with a hologram of them. I miss my father with all my heart we have been together all our lives and it is hitting me very hard not being able to chat and get his opinions and advice, he was a fab dad he truly was, he still is last night he could see by my face I'd been crying he tried to put himself to bed to save me the trouble and managed to tell me he loved me although it was so hard for him to get the words out, and people wonder why you try so hard when you're a carer!
Oh well off to get through another day I have a sitter for 4 hours today and I'm taking my little one to the beach.
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You sound as though you are now getting life on the right lines. I'm so glad for you. Respite care and perhaps some day care would make all the difference to your life, and you would still be looking after your lovely dad but also having some time to be a lovely mum and wife. Better some good help being put into place now that having a crisis later my love.
xxTinaT
xxTinaT
Yes Tina, crisis mode creeps up on you, you keep thinking you can handle it and things will be ok but as dad's illness takes a fast progression along with coping with my toddler and job, it is really too much for one person to bear. I am going to organise some help with the housework and ironing today too as that is a huge ongoing task what with dad's incontinence and the baby's constant spills and painting it will be money well spent just to feel slightly more organised.
I haven't been this tired since mum's last months at home.
I haven't been this tired since mum's last months at home.
I just wanted to say that i really feel for you, Magic. I understand only too well how difficult it is to care for a parent with dementia when you have a young child and are working. My own son is 3 and a half and although I had always imagined that he and my mum would find spending time together rewarding, I increasingly find that they just squabble and vie with eachother for my attention. My mum is jealous of the time I spend with my son and vice versa.
I also understand how awful it is to watch your loved one crumble before your eyes so very quickly - my mum has deteriorated so rapidly since she was diagnosed that even her consultant and social workers have been shocked.
Perhaps most importantly, I also understand how exhausted, crushed, and devastated you feel by the 'no win' situation you are in. I have felt like that a lot of the time as well. It's so unfair that on the rare occasions that you are able to snatch a bit of time to dedicate to spending quality time with your son, you are so physically and mentally exhausted that you are not capable of really embracing that special time. It's just so wrong.
I really do hope that you can get some respite arranged. Things for me actually started to change dramatically when I had to ask social services & my mum's CPN to arrange emergency respite because I was so completely broken. I think the fact that the emergency measures had to be taken triggered a series of duties for them to take follow up action. The result of it all were that we now have regular planned respite (for a week every 5 or 6 weeks) and that we got continuing care funding. I am convinced that the fact that I have a young son was a factor in assessing the need for ongoing, regular respite.
And finally, I want to say that YOU MUST NOT FEEL GUILTY about accepting respite care! The breaks will mean that you can spend more time with your son and catch up on important things that always have to be shelved at the moment. You will also be able to care for your dad better in many ways, as your head will have a bit of an essential 'clear out' while he has been away.
Good luck, Magic! xxx
g
I also understand how awful it is to watch your loved one crumble before your eyes so very quickly - my mum has deteriorated so rapidly since she was diagnosed that even her consultant and social workers have been shocked.
Perhaps most importantly, I also understand how exhausted, crushed, and devastated you feel by the 'no win' situation you are in. I have felt like that a lot of the time as well. It's so unfair that on the rare occasions that you are able to snatch a bit of time to dedicate to spending quality time with your son, you are so physically and mentally exhausted that you are not capable of really embracing that special time. It's just so wrong.
I really do hope that you can get some respite arranged. Things for me actually started to change dramatically when I had to ask social services & my mum's CPN to arrange emergency respite because I was so completely broken. I think the fact that the emergency measures had to be taken triggered a series of duties for them to take follow up action. The result of it all were that we now have regular planned respite (for a week every 5 or 6 weeks) and that we got continuing care funding. I am convinced that the fact that I have a young son was a factor in assessing the need for ongoing, regular respite.
And finally, I want to say that YOU MUST NOT FEEL GUILTY about accepting respite care! The breaks will mean that you can spend more time with your son and catch up on important things that always have to be shelved at the moment. You will also be able to care for your dad better in many ways, as your head will have a bit of an essential 'clear out' while he has been away.
Good luck, Magic! xxx
g
advise
My wife had alzheimers for almost eight years and for her last at least two years I gave her two Kalms when she went to bed and yes they did work. They are herbal and you can get them from any chemist I bought the daytime ones. Please speak to your doctor before you administer them.
Gerrie Ley ex carer
My wife had alzheimers for almost eight years and for her last at least two years I gave her two Kalms when she went to bed and yes they did work. They are herbal and you can get them from any chemist I bought the daytime ones. Please speak to your doctor before you administer them.
Gerrie Ley ex carer
