Tired and exhaused

[LGathome]

Hi there. I am new member and would like to tell you my story.
7 years ago my dad-in-law passed away and from that day onwards my mom-in-law was never the same person. My relationship with her was fantastic. She was like a sister and a mother to me. I shared all my thoughts with her, loved to watch tv, go shopping etc etc etc, with her. She lived in Portugal where we spent many a holiday there with her. Since she was diagonosed with Alzheimers about 5 years ago she has only been going downhill and fast. She has been living with us for 4 years now and it is getting impossible to look after her.
We converted our garage into living quarters where she now lives. She was a person that was brought up with a golden spoon in her mouth. She was always a very fancy and conservative woman. She never saw no wrong in anybody. (no matter how bad a person would be) She was always like a doormat to all her friends and was pretty much at her husbands beck and call all the time.
She now struggles with her life today. Its obviously not the posh life she had because myself and her son definitely dont lead a rich life like she did.
I am contantly having arguments with her because I am desperate for her to see sense. I know I am wasting my time but sometimes I feel that there are days that if you see her, we would never say she has alzheimers. If we not on top of her she will not shower or bath. She top and tails but with no soap, just water. When I try to make her see why its important for her to keep clean she turns around to me and says I cant believe you calling me a pig(knowing the life she lead). There are lots of days that go by and I just ignore her. I feel so guilty for doing so but at the same time, each time I do try and converse with her we have an argument or a disagreement.
Anyway, this is all for now, I have a headache. If anyone wants to maybe share the same experience it will be nice to know I am not alone. I am my mom in laws carer by the way.
LGathome

 

[Vonny]

Hi there and a warm welcome to Talking Point

I know the woman that my mum once was would forgive me for saying that some days she stinks to high heaven. My mum was fanatical about cleanliness - when I went off to Uni many years ago, she told me to be sure and always FAFF if I didn't have time for a shower or bath (Face, Armpits, Feet and Fanny).

She is now bed ridden and dad has to bed bath her. He does his best but sometimes after a bad bout of incontinence it's almost impossible to get rid of the smell.

Could you perhaps make her a gift of some nice shower gel or bubble bath? It's usually not profitable to argue with a dementia sufferer, they can argue black is white quite convincingly. It's such a shame that your relationship is suffering but caring is a damned hard job and carers are only human. The thing to bear in mind is that it's not your mil talking, it's the disease.

I'm sure others will be along to help soon

Vonny xxx

 

[weeze]

Your not alone at all, unfortunately Alzheimers does change peoples personalities and can make them argumentitive. My mum was always one to put a bit of make up on before leaving the house even if it was just to walk the don't but now she has to be convinced to have a bath.
Sometime she will take offence at the most innocent of comments and decide you are saying something horrid.
It can be incredible hard at times and thats when places like talking point are a god send there are always people who are going through or have been through the same things as you and are always happy to listen and share their experiences.

 

[Kayla]

I think it must be very difficult and tiring to look after somebody all the time. Do you go out to work or belong to a club or adult education class, so that you have a break during the week?
Perhaps it might be possible for a carer to come in for a couple of hours, so that you can leave the house without worrying about your mother-in-law.

There may be help available in your community, so that you could meet other people in a similar situation and arrange activities for your MIL to enjoy. If you don't find support from somewhere, you may become tired and unwell, so that you can't take care of her any more. It is good to find some one to talk to and share worries and concerns. The doctor may be able to refer you to a social worker or community carer.

My Mum didn't live with us, but she was just a mile away and towards the end it did become very stressful. When she went into a care home, after having several falls and trips to hospital, it was a great relief to be able to share responsibility with caring staff. Sadly, Mum had to go into a Nursing Home when she broke her hip, but by that time she needed 24 hour nursing care because her condition was so unstable.

I hope that you are able to find the help that you need so badly.

Kayla

 

[Helen33]

Hello LGathome

I would like to say Welcome to Talking Point. I hope that you find the site to be supportive, informative and friendly. I, personally, have found it to be a real lifeline because it can be extremely stressful as a carer to someone with a dementia. Then again, it isn't exactly a picnic for the sufferer either

My suggestion is that you read some of the threads which will help to give you a feel of the place and I will look forward to seeing you around.

Love and best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

Hello LGathome

From my experience, the more you try to persuade someone with dementia to do something they don`t want to do, the bigger the rag you are making for your own back.

My husband takes offence at anything I say which could remotely be seen as a criticism. I suggest you stop trying to make your mother see sense. She will see it as you telling her you know best and she won`t like it.

I`m sorry I haven`t a solution to helping you MIL realize she needs a bath or to wash properly . I can only suggest you fill the wash basin with warm soapy water for her before she tops and tails , in the hope she will accept this as a kind gesture.

 

[Bookworm]

LG - hygiene & related issues are perennial problems on TP - I've come through a lot with my husband & have no idea if anything I've done would help others - but at least now I am confident that 95 - 98% of time there are no brown smears & clothes are fairly civilised. Car now smells ok - it didn't for a year. The regime is bath at night, shower morning, wipes, clean towels night & morn, lay used clothes & towels out in front of washer, awaiting attention, clean clothes totally except shirt (currently still choice when changed!!). He is like a lamb currently about all this - & I marvel that the routine works. Long may it last.......it was not always so peaceful - there were rows and remonstrations ......I suppose what i'm encouraging is routine & compliments for same......

 

[LGathome]

Thanks a mil

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the kind words. Today especially, i feel so upset that I just want to run away.
I went shopping today and bought my Mil a box of biscuits so she could have in her room. Although she lives with us she feels its not her house therefore she will not touch anything unless we give it to her. This is very tiring for me. When I gave her the biscuits I told her that those were hers and there were others that I bought for the chilren. It was about 30 minutes later she comes with half a box to give to the children. I got so cross that I put the biscuits back in her box and told her that those were hers. All I wanted was for her to listen. I dont know if this is the same as making her see sense. Because she never touches anything without us giving it to her I thought these biscuits will last her a few days and I know she will be snacking on her own but if she is giving them away she wont have any left. I upset her with this situation and I feel very guilty and upset aswell. In fact I feel so upset that I feel i never want to see her again. Do you think I did wrong.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello LGathome

Your MIL had something of her own and all she wanted to do was give your children a treat. She didn`t realize you gave her the full box to save yourself work. It was an act of independence.
I`m not being judgemental, really, but it does sound as if too much is being demanded of you and you haven`t the time or the strength to work out the reasons behind the action.
This is what happens when we are overstretched. I wish I could offer a solution.

 

[sussexsue]

Hi LGathome

A kindred spirit here. My mum has come to live with us in our converted garage. I can really empathise with a lot that you are saying. I also think I would find it a 100 times harder if it was my MIL rather than my mum.

We are at the same stage with the cleanliness issue. Yes she claims to strip wash every day but the soap never goes down. Before AD her appearance was everything to her and I have tried to maintain her standards. She now goes and get her done at the local salon on OAP wednesday. Therefore on tuesday I always say "shall I go and draw you a bath as you wont want to get your hair wet after going to the hairdressers." Lots of nice smelling soapy bubbles and she certainly comes out smelling a lot sweeter. I think I have to be realistic that people of her generation only had one bath a week and I can expect her to have a daily shower as I would.

I reckon GrannieG is spot on with the biscuit issue, and just highlights how stressed out you are with it all. TBH that was me a couple of months ago, and it was only a trip to the local Carer's meeting and a good confession to them all (bit like AA) that put things back into perspective for me and allowed to start liking my mum again.

Does she ever go and stay with any other relatives, because it really sounds as though you need a break and a bit of time for youself and your family.

take care

 

[wendyviv]

Hi. I do understand your position, my husband will not have a shower and now has a beard etc. but after five weeks of washing him down when I was able to, today he let me give him an all over soapy wash, and that was with patience and not asking him but gently just doing it and telling him what I was doing. There is nothing worse than the smell of wee, well there is but I havent got that far yet I think the thing we all find hard with this illness it understanding they they do not understand and also dont really think. It is really tireing and waring, I do feel for you, but I do get help from the forum. wendy