Why do I resent my Dad?

[LISA YOUNG]

I havent written for some time, as a family we have been coping very well with my mums dementia, up until recently she has been a very happy lady.
I feel that the illness my Mum has, as well as taking her from me has also taken my Dad. He has become obsessed with mumz dementia and it is all he talks about constantly. He has no interest in myself or my sister and never asks after his grandchildren. I do love my Dad so why am I resenting him? it isnt anyone's fault what has happened.
I think I want them both back.
Does anyone else feel like this??

 

[Softy]

Hi Lisa

I had similar feelings towards my Mum when my Dad's dementia started, however as the disease progessed and I was more & more involved in his care I realised how much of your life it takes over. There are two things to try and remember the first one it that your Dad will be feeling very frightened about what is happening to his wife this is probably why he talks about it all the time. Secondly he is also, I feel looking for your approval in everything that he does and I would suggest that this is down to the guilt monster who haunts us all. About your feelings you carnt help feeling resentful at times anybody would, dont give yourself a hard time about it you obviously care greatly for your parents that comes over in your post. Dont be afraid of talking over your feelings with your Dad you bring up other subjects you may find that he 2 will welcome a new topic to discuss. Good luck and keep your chin up.

 

[Helen33]

Hello Lisa

I think you have made a very important point when you said that you feel you have lost both your mum and your dad. I am a carer for my husband and work part-time and it feels like my life has been taken over by dementia issues. I think because it is a progressive disease the caring role has to progress with it in order to meet the high demands that are required physically, mentally and emotionally. It has come as a surprise to me just what is required and the requirements are enormous.

However, I have a daughter and I do feel that she needs those special moments with me, separate from dementia and caring. I do try to make myself available and I can admit that it is becoming increasingly hard. Sometimes it feels like what I need is to be with someone that doesn't require anything of me.

When someone we care for has this disease it affects everyone in differing ways. I, personally, think it a time for giving.

Sending love and best wishes Lisa and I hope that you find Talking Point helpful and supportive.

 

[Lynne]

Dear Lisa

Having Dementia in the family can become all-consuming, especially when actually living beside it 24/7, perhaps more especially so with a life-partner. Your Dad's life has been taken over (perhaps 'taken away' would be more appropriate) by this merciless & unpredictable condition.

It may also be that he is trying to protect you, your sister & the children from some of the harsher realities as Mum becomes worse. Dignity will mean a lot to them, & basic functions becoming daily difficulties could be the reason for his reticence.

As for Dementia becoming an obsession, yes it does.
My own Mum died last year, but I am still involved with carers' groups and other carers. There is so much support needed by so many families living with it.

Best Wishes

 

[taylorcat]

Lisa, how your post brings back memories for me.

I was pretty annoyed with my Dad when he behaved like this to the point of not asking how his grandson (who has special needs) was. Before Mum's illness he was the light of my Dad's life and really when I look back he still was, he just didn't cope very well.

Try not to be too hard on your Dad. Six months after my Mum was taken into a care environment my poor Dad developed leukaemia and is unfortunately no longer with us.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad and probably with hindsight I would still have been annoyed with him.

It's not easy for anyone.

 

[LISA YOUNG]

Thanks

Thanks to all who replied. Sometime to put it down in words helps put things into perspective. It is also good to hear from different points of view. I was having a bad day, like everyone has who has to live with this sad illness. Taylorcat I understand your are saying. Dont waste time being bitter, enjoy what you have while you have it.
Todays another day.
lisa x

 

[Vonny]

Hi Lisa,

I mentioned your post to my sister and she asked if I could say "thank you" to you for having made her realise what one of the problems is....that we've lost both parents in effect. Mum because of dementia and dad because he is so wrapped up in his care of her that he has no time to find out how my sister and I are, or even my son.

Personally I'm not too bothered because I've always sort of followed dad around, being a daddy's girl. When I was young I just tagged along behind him and when he took notice that was grand, but when he didn't, I just accepted that was dad. He's always been pretty self-centred (as opposed to selfish, he's the most generous man I know). He was, and is, my hero, but now when he's not being self-centred he's mum-centred.

Anyway, your thoughts struck a real chord with my sis so I'm passing on her thanks to you.

Vonny xxx

 

[panpam83]

losing a loveone by another with dementia

My heart,goes out to you,because,my husband has this.. and it is all consuming,because we were always 2 ,and know he will ask me where i am,or i'm in another house in los angeles.This causes incredible stress,to the loveone.Sometimes talking to someone helps a bit.I have joined this forum,and others and it has helped so much,maybe suggest forums or blogs as a way to get the unaffected loveone ,to put his mind on something ,other than the spouse with alzheimers.