I must be doing it all wrong

[Cl13]

I dont no what to do, mum cames to me because she couldn't look after herself.
She has a bank book and a bank card, she hadn't a clue how much was in either A/C, she was constantly losing both the card and the book, insisting she had put them here and now they've gone,
this went on for months, every day another search, in the end I said " mum let me look after them for you," then when you cant remember where they are I will be able to show you " look there here in this zipper on the side of my bag " then you wont have to worry about losing them any more, " yes ok " she said.
I thought thats the end of searches looking for bank stuff.
The last couple of weeks mum has continually asking why " THAT LYNN HAS GOT MY BANK THINGS " I cant get through to her that, that Lynn is me, and I'm looking after them for you so you dont loose them.
Frid I take mum to have her hair done, she said she didn't have any money, I showed her she had over £10 and her hair was £6.50
so she had plenty.
I picked her up and she went on and on while we were driving to town how she had no money.
She insisted on going to the theater to ask why the Connie Fisher
show was canceled, I might as well have my money back she said ( I bought the tickets, I always buy all the tickets ) so I got the money back and gave it to her, I couldn't be bothered arguing the point.
Then I took her out for lunch as I do every Frid, we went to this nice cafe within a rather nice furniture store.
I put mum in the stores wheelchair to have a look around, all the time mum telling me about "This Lynn who insists in having her bank book and card " I said she's only looking after them for you so you dont lose them, she said " I'll look after them she says, you'll lose them she says, I feel like telling her to SOD OFF "
By this time I'd well had enough, we went back to the car, straight to the bank, I gave her the b....y bank book and card,
It was finally mums turn, she stood at the counter and said" which one did you say I have to give her," I told her the card, then she said " how much have I to get " The teller was looking at me as if I was a rogue builder, I said, mum just draw out what you need, then she said " did you say £100. I nearly died,
the teller looked again then said to mum, are you sure you want so much dear, if mum didn't look at me again, I said it doesn't matter to me how much she gets its her money just give her whatever she wants.
Everyone was looking at us, I walked mum to a chair and sat her down, showed her how much money she had got and put it in her purse, then I put the card in with the book and told her to put it in her own bag. When we got back to the car I told her I didn't want to know next time she lost them, I told her she made me feel like I was trying to rob her, she said dont be silly,
I said, oh so that makes it alright then.
I wouldn't mind, but mum has lived with me since Oct last, I have never asked or been offered a penny towards anything,
Twice at Tesco check out she threw £ 30 at me towards the shopping, twice in 6 months, all this time mums bank balance has just got bigger,
It was big to start with and its doing my head in, she is obsessed with it, wont spend it, I had hell on to get her to buy herself some new clothes, nothing spectacular just a couple of tops and cardigans from Bon Marsh and a couple of prs of trousers from the market.
I wish dad had been pennyless when he died.
Sorry Lynn

 

[Vonny]

Oh Lynn, you did so well keeping under control. I think I'd have lost it big time. It's hard at times like these to remember it's the disease, not our loved ones that is causing the aggro.

I'd have been mortified if I was you and I'd have also handed back the damned cheque book and card...but you know what? I think next time she loses them you'll help her look for them because you're a fabulous daughter who puts up with a lot of cr@p.

Try not to let it bother you...easier said than done. If she wants to pennypinch then let her. If you are struggling financially to help her out, maybe you could take advice from the legal side of the Society, they may be able to suggest how to approach the subject of your mum paying something towards her upkeep.

Sorry you've had such a foul day. Hope the evening improves for you

Vonny xxx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Lynn, what a schmoozle! My mother was obsessed with her money also and she kept showing her bankbook to all and sundry. This when she had the equivalent of £10,000 in her savings account!

Do you have the Power of Attorney - I'm not certain if you should have the LPA or EPA, whichever one covers everything. I know how frustrating it is but I think you should take control of her card etc again. Always make sure she has a couple of notes and lots of coins on her. Pity about the Connie Francis tickets but next time I suggest you buy the tickets and surprise her the day of. That way, she won't have time to brood about the price of tickets (which she didn't pay for in the first place but she won't remember that). You could say you won them in a contest or a friend gave them to you. So Mum could have a nice outing and with any luck you would too.

As for her expenses, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to receive payment for caring for your mother. I'm thinking of a room & board sort of thing, Mum could pay XX per week or month for her "rent" which would cover everything. Maybe get her to sign a letter saying she'll pay XX that you could show her when she doesn't believe you. Plus make a few copies of it in case she tears the letter up. I wouldn't have her pay the amount, I would simply pay it out by cheque or bank machine.

I think the first thing is for you to get the power of attorney sorted out.

 

[hazytron]

It was big to start with and its doing my head in, she is obsessed with it, wont spend it, I had hell on to get her to buy herself some new clothes, nothing spectacular just a couple of tops and cardigans from Bon Marsh and a couple of prs of trousers from the market.
I wish dad had been pennyless when he died.
Sorry Lynn[/QUOTE]

Hi Lynn
No need for apologies, this is TP. We must all, at some time, on this wonderful site, voice our frustration. Thank goodness we can. My Mum lives across the road from me, she moved two years ago from her home which was ninety miles away. She was "unable to cope" her words ,not mine.
She was happy for six weeks, ever since then she has wanted to move back!
She claims to have lost thousands of pounds because of the move. Her bank balance has grown and grown since her move because her expenses here are much less than before and she down sized so had capital left over from the sale. Her house here is smaller and more modern and costs less to run.
She hates spending money on herself but asks continually to go shopping to look for clothes, carpets, wallpaper. I am not a fan of shopping myself and have spent hours and hours taking her to all the shops in our locality over and over again only to return empty handed as she "does not know what she is going to need in the future".
She has more in the bank ,since Dad died, than she has ever had in her life, but is terrified to spend. I think it is something which comes with her generation and as her memory is way back in the distant past somewhere, she is not going to change her belief that times are hard.
It sounds to me that you are doing a grand job whilst dealing with this awful disease which has invaded your Mum.
Regards
Hazel

 

[imac.girll1]

My Dear Lynn

Well we both have had a rubbish day.

So big hugs to you, as I woul dhave lost it completely myself.

All of what Joanne, Vonny and Hazy have said is all true and great advice.

You definately need to see about the POA side, i am just awaiting the form from my brother to be sent up signed and then it will all be set in wheels for it.

Also the 'rent' thing might work well, type something up, save it and see what happens when you get mum in good mood.

Maybe your CPN can help with the 'all mine not yours' scenario. My mother does thign slike that also, she will say i have bought this what do you think, but actually it was me that bought it, but sometimes i am never sure whether to let her know this or not!

Anyway, hope it all settles, and how about those wistleling keyrings, attach it to a small wallet where the bank card and book is kept and then when you clap or whistle it will bleep! Shorter search times all round!

Hugs

iMac xxx

 

[Margarita]

I know it’s the embarrassment of it I never like , my mother use to do things like that to me at the supermarket, all I wanted her to do was by food for herself and my brother. She had the cash in her purse, but she pay for it on her Card . she never like using cash , put it all on credit card.

If I said " Pay it with the cash in your purse " she throw the Money at me , " saying hear you want my money take it "

I am sure the bank people thought I was robing my mother. My mother was the other way around she buy loads, loads of clothes there be no food in her house, all bills unpaid I found piles of new clothes.

When mum moved in with me she got to the point that money was confusing her so much, that she said to me to look after it.

she always wanted around £ 100 in her bag, even thought I was buying everything .

but mum use to loves telling people , My daughter taken all my money " Or I gave my daughter all my money she does not buy me anything, she only said " I don't buy her anything if I have forgotten to get her something.

Ever single day as mum leaves to day care she tells me
" Buy me something nice " if I ask her what? now days she does not know what she wants . So I just say OK


Just remember when your living in it, think to yourself if mum never had this dementia, she be doing it all herself like she use to.

 

[Chrissyan]

Showing us up in public is the revenge they can get on us for our toddler tantrums.

Don't forget Lynn, this is the illness, not your Mum. My Dad always made sure he more than paid his way for everything. It was rare that we took him anywhere, as he drove himself etc, but if we did, he would offer the petrol money & buy lunch. About 5 years last Feb he phoned me when it was snowing & said " Get some quotes, no one should live without central heating these days". I did & he paid & then matched the sum in cash to my brother.

These days my Dad doesn't offer to pay for anything, we are not terribly out of pocket, but some, & our finances are very tight, Dad is more than comfortable.

I think it comes down partly to forgetfulness & partly due to insecurity.

No two people with dementia are the same, but in my opinion the two most common traits are worrying about money & not washing & changing clothes.

 

[zoet]

How very frustrating for you! I dont know if this will help but this is what I did when Dad started losing his card and cash. We both went to the bank (where dad has been a customer for over 30 years) and had a meeting with the manager, and Dad made me third party to his accounts. I have my own card and I can pay bills etc from his accounts. Dad had to sign and I had to be checked but it was pretty easy.
I have to say he's never been much problem on the money front, but on some things which hes adamant about (which are hoplessly wrong) I have learned NOT to bother arguing. I simply say "Oh right, ok then dad" and then completely ignore what he said! Then I quickly distract him by talking about something else. Its hard to do at first but I soon got used to doing it and now its easy because I know it saves us both getting irritated and arguing about silly things. Can she get to the bank herself? If not, would it be worth giving her an old card and you have the real one? I'll tell you something that might make you smile: my dad got a bit worried he didnt have any money in his pockets so he went round the house half-inching all our cash! Then one miraculous day DFS sent us some "fake" money- £40 notes to spend in thier shop- they looked quite real. We gave them to dad and he was well impressed, kept telling everyone he was loaded!! Sadly he piddled on them and I had to dry them out because he wouldnt let me throw them away...YUK! Hes forgotten about them now but he insisted on having them in his pocket for ages...more YUK!!
This phase will probably pass, so see how the bank can help you to help her until that time. Probably worth seeing about an EPA while you still can though to be honest. Good luck.xx

 

[Sam Iam]

Oh Lynn,
My Mum sounds a bit like yours and it completely tires you out when it happens. I have found keeping Mum's purse topped up is the secret and here is where the white lyes come in to play (I hate lying to my Mum she brought me up not to )that way you can tell her she went to the bank yesterday ( Mum has a place where she keeps money before it goes to her purse I top it up on a regular basis)
Sometimes I get so exhausted by this bit, its all of the lying and trying to be a step ahead, but in the grand scale of things I am lucky as Mum knows who I am and my heart goes out to you Lynn you are such a strong person but at times it is so hard when your heart is heavy and hurting oh I'm getting maudling now!..... JUST KNOW WE ALL ARE HERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN TIMES GET HARD XXXXX

 

[Cl13]

Hi and thanks for being there again, I know what you all say is right, but I dont think I will ever get used to the way mum talks about " the other Lynn " refered to as her, the know it all, the one that takes my bank stuff.

LPA my mum had us both go to a solicitor weeks ago, it should have been done by now he said 3 months thats well gone, the problem is ,would you believe it, he got the names wrong, he said he needed 2 names of people who know your mum and her situation,he had to contact them on behalf of the court incase anything dodgy was going on or words to that effect, so the court can protect mum, so mum said her other son inlaws parents
which was good as I dont know them at all, he asked mum on her own and told me later, well he named the man as Robert but his name is Keneth and he didn't contact them untill after he had applied to the court, so he had to do it again,

By the time it comes through mum will have forgotten all about it, to be honest I dont want to go to the bank with mum again,
three times now she has stood dithering at the counter saying " I cant remember what I have to say," or " how much is it I have to get", up untill 4 months ago she was asking my OH to cash her cheques, he made it out as mum didn't know how, mum would read what was written and then sign it, but it got to the point where she forgets how to write her name and they wont accept printing on cheques, thats why we started going to the bank, But they dont know me from adam, I wanted mum to close down her A/C's and open one in our bank or building society where we've been for 29yrs, if mum hadn't have been so stubborn I wouldn't be having this problem now, She thinks where's she's at is the best because dad did it, even having to stand for 1/2hr
because they only have 2 counters doesn't put her off.

When the LPA comes, if I have cant sort it without mum I'm not going. Theres no way am I putting myself in that situation a 4th time. I tell you what, I wish my sister had done it herself instead of telling me to do it, I must have MUG stamped on my head, my brother doesn't even ask how she is half the time, we've only seen him twice in 6 months.

On the matter of mums keep, we really dont need it, we have our business and OH runs it with staff so we're no worse of with mum here really, mum hasn't food shopped since before dad was ill 2006 I would buy it here and run it down the M6, mum would say thanks luv, I think she must think the tooth fairy pays for it all because she never asks how much it costs, even on the 2 days she put money towards it,
I think she would have a stroke if she know how much it costs these days lol.

Well as usuall I've gone on and on and on again and I'm soooooooo
sorry to be such a pain.

Love you all Lynn

 

[jenniferpa]

You're not a pain at all Lynn. When the LPA does come, assuming it does, you don't have to involve your mum at all - that's the whole point. If you can avoid taking her to the bank I would do. Actually, I'm sort of surprise that the bank hasn't raised the issue - they can be very officious over things like this (not quite as bad as the staff in Boots but nearly ). In that situation they have a tendency to freeze accounts so perhaps it's just as well.

 

[Cl13]

I'll tell you Jennifer, if they had suggested that yesterday I would have said " please do me a favor and do just that "
It would have solved the problem once and for all lol Love Lynn

 

[Sam Iam]

Lynn I didn't get LPA with Mum but the solicitor advised me to open a joint account with Mum, this can be done with forms at home. Keep going Lynn you are doing great xxx

 

[Vonny]

the solicitor advised me to open a joint account with Mum

Hi Lynn, would your mum agree to this when she thinks you are "the other Lynn"? It's a good idea but not sure if your mum would go for it.

We are going to get an LPA drawn up next Thursday so that if anything happens to dad either my sister or I, or both, would be able to sort things out. In the meantime, dad just gives us mum's bank card when we go shopping for him!

You can get an LPA pack off the internet, at
http://www.publicguardian.gov.uk/forms/opg-forms.htm
the site says
You can use a solicitor to set up an LPA or the online form on the Office of the Public Guardian website.
that is the site I have quoted.

I did consider doing it ourselves but because both my sister and I are involved thought it would be better to get it done by a professional.

Well, "real Lynn", I hope things calm down for you a bit!

Vonny xxx

 

[Cl13]

Hi Jennifer Sam and Vonny, when the subject of LPA came up it was my sister that said I should get it as mum was living here,
I had never heard of it, she had through her friend who had done it last year, if mums solicitor hadn't made that mistake it would have been sorted now.
When we went to see him he told mum it would be £650, but he would only take £150 at that time, it was something to do with registering the application to the court.
He said he didn't want the ballance untill it was compleated and we had the LPA document, so he is still owed £500,I'm not sure if she will remember she's not talked about it for ages now,
I may have to pay it myself and get it back at a later date,
anyway I'm not worrying about that now, well I'm going to bed in a minute I'm never up at this time lol.
Thanks again and by4now Love Lynn

 

[Willowgill]

Hi Lynn it sounds like you are having a very hard time. Would you be able to have a meeting with someone in your mum's branch and explain the situation to them? The chances are the counter staff are probably only too aware of your mum's condition if she is a regular customer. Once you get the POE you will need to see them anyway to arrange how you are going to deal with things going forward. When we got POE for my parents affairs I went to the bank and explained I was so worried about Dad walking around with so much cash in his pocket as he would just pull the whole lot out anywhere and everywhere. The lady I saw told me they see it so often - regular customers declining over time and eventually unable to comprehend signing cheques or bank card PIN numbers etc. What I didn't realise was that once we'd registered the POE it meant Dad was unable to do anything at the bank - he was very upset to begin with as he went in there a couple of times and they had to explain that he wasn't allowed to draw his money out any more and that his daughter had to do it. He did however just accept this and now I deal with everything from paying their bills and buying their groceries to buying the other things they need such as the new bathlift and clothes. I give him some cash each week to make him feel more secure but he always says he has none until we get it out and count it. I also think it's a generation thing that makes them feel they can't spend anything. The cash in their account is building up and it's so sad that they now have more money than they've probably ever had but don't realise and have no real need to buy things any more. They were both very conscious of paying their way too and would be forever giving us money for petrol, meals out etc as well as giving my sons money when they saw them. They still ask if they owe us for things I've bought them with their own money.

I hope you soon get things sorted as it will probably help settle your mums mind too - until the next time

 

[Cl13]

Hi Willowgill, mums never used the cash machine in fact she hadn't been in the bank at all utill dad became ill, dad did all that drew money for mum every week, paid all the bill, delt with everything, mum just lived her life in ignorant bliss knowing everything would always be ok as of-course it was.
She then had this stuff to deal with when dad died,I did all the practical things, dads funeral, insurance, got all the utility bill on D/D ect,when the bank heard about dad they were great, even came from behind the counter to hug mum and one girl cried when we said mum was leaving Blackpool to live with me, of-course they knew mum wasn't managing on her own but were sad to see her leave, the Blackpool branch trusted me, we had a lot of paperwork to do and they knew I knew everything about mums financess, if we had lived nearer and mum could have stayed at that branch everything would have been fine,
We went to the branch here one day a simple matter of moving money from one place to another within the bank, they said they would have to contact Blackpool, Blackpool wouldn't discuss the matter with there own staff on there own direct line because of this privacy law, they would only talk to mum, who couldn't understand why the bank were saying in her own best interest the money should be moved into something else, I think mum thought they were giving it away, we were in there over an hour.
I'm not going back without LPA, I'll keep mums purse healthy myself untill then, I cant be doing with the upset or hassle it causes, thanks for telling me your story, by4now Lynn

 

[Sooe]

Ughhhh Money really is the root of all evil eh!!
I too think its partly a generation thing! poor MIL is totally out of it most of the time nowadays BUT she still asks how much do I owe for the cup of tea?? or if the carers do her nails, she wants us to pay for it.......the money issues are constant, and she is always worrying I have no money, i just think they had to struggle the same as us and it gets into their head and sadly unlike most things just the money thing gets lodged in. Glad you got the LPA sorted, we are too late to be able to do that, so we will have more issues to cover I am sure. Why are things not explained and put into place earlier instead of finding out on TP.
Good Luck
and WELL DONE for keeping your patience.
Sooe x

 

[Cl13]

Hi Sooe,Regarding lack of info at the bank, when my dad died the bank knew my mum hadn't a clue, knew that dad had done everything, now when I look back I think to myself, why didn't the bank tell mum that she could have me as another signiture on her A/C. I didn't even know you could do that untill after we had applied for the LPA,( another thing learned from TP ) no one offered that information to us, I wouldn't have expected the branch where we live to offer this info as they dont realy know us, we've only been there about 4 times in the six months mum has lived with us,
But mum A/C was joint with dad in Blacpool since 1981, they knew mum was having a problem understanding what to do, they also knew I had seen to all her bills inluding dads funeral, if they had told us that I could sign at the bank on mums behalf it would have been in place before mum came to live with us, if these places were as keen to help there customers as they are to selling insurance, life could be a bit simpler for all of us.
Take care and by4now Lynn