Celebrations, not bothered

[DianeB]

I received an Easter card from a cousin whom I am fond of. She put ........ We hope you have lots of fun and lots of eggs too!!!
Am I being too sensitive? How can I have lots of fun, plus I can't have any eggs I'm on a diet

We used to celebrate Easter, but I'm not fussed this year. My dear friend has invited us there for the day for dinner of which we are going.

Will I feel like this in future celebrations? What will Xmas be like???? I'm away for my birthday so that should be ok, but am I going to dread the normal happy times of the year?

 

[KenC]

Hello Diane

I think life changes so much when a family is involved with illness like Dementia, and we all feel sad and down at times.

Since getting the diagnosis of dementia, I have seen my life change in many ways, as we all lose interest in many things.

But like many others and I guess you yourself, we all try to hang on as much as possible to the normal life, as we can in the circumstances. I need to get rid of some weight, so I do not eat as much chocolate as I used to do, but I still try to enjoy everything else.

Don't give up Easter all together, you are with friends here and many feel exactly the same at times.

Very Best Wishes

Ken

 

[Grannie G]

It`s so insensitive to send `happy clappy` seasonal cards to the bereaved.

Many people feel compelled to send cards at certain times in the year but it only takes a little time and thought, and it isn`t difficult to find a suitable greeting.

It will all seem trivial to you Diane, and to everyone else who is recently [or not so recently] bereaved.

`They` say all the firsts are the worst, whoever `they` are. It`s an individual thing and you , Diane , can choose to celebrate or not, depending on how you feel.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Diane

((((HUG)))) It hurts so much as the reminders come in that the world just carries on in the same way that it did before. I think something in us screams out "can't you see?, can't you stop?, can't you be sensitive?".

There will come a time that you, too, will step back into the world Diane in some way. Changed, yes. With a deep loss, yes.
Give yourself time

Love

 

[KenC]

Sorry

Dear Diane

Please accept my humble apologies as I had not realised that you had lost someone dear to you recently.

Perhaps I should have been on Talking Point more recently then I may have spotted it,

I am very sorry for any upset caused

Kind Regards

Ken

 

[DianeB]

Ken thats fine don't worry. That is why I posted on After dementia dealing with loss, but honestly don't worry.

I have to agree with Sylvia, I think its too soon to wish somebody fun and laughter, I mean we are only talking of losing Mum a month ago, 2 weeks since her funeral.
My neighbour lost her husband late last year and at Xmas I brought an open card and put that she was very much in my thoughts at this time of year. However another neighbour sent her a full on Xmas card and didn't know her hubby had passed away a few weeks before, she addressed it to both of them as well, and she went ballistic at them, now the pair of them do not speak

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I received an Easter card from a cousin whom I am fond of. She put ........ We hope you have lots of fun and lots of eggs too!!!
Am I being too sensitive? How can I have lots of fun, plus I can't have any eggs I'm on a diet

Will I feel like this in future celebrations? What will Xmas be like???? I'm away for my birthday so that should be ok, but am I going to dread the normal happy times of the year?

It's hard to say how you will feel for future celebrations. My first Christmas with Mum just before she was officially diagnosed was a nightmare. I had gone to British Columbia to spend a week there & give my stepfather a break. I ended up getting them legally separated, dealing with the finances with my stepfather, packing WAY too much of Mum's stuff (we ended up shipping 2 very full pallets, plus 3 bulging suitcases on the plane), making Christmas dinner (and a fun dinner that was!), and bringing Mum to Ontario. All this within a week. We arrived at my home Dec 30 and things started unravelling from there. New Year's Day was quite horrible.

Oddly enough, I was fine the next Christmas but New Year's Eve and particularly the song "Auld Lang Syne" tore me open emotionally for years afterwards. I guess it was because we had a really nice time together New Year's Eve and I had (futile) hopes of having a good life with Mum. The next day it all fell apart.

I know this isn't the same as losing your mother and it's very long-winded on my part but yes, it did eventually get easier for me.

I think your cousin is trying to include you and reach out to you but simply couldn't figure out a good way of doing it. Some people just don't just how to express sympathy, even though they would like to.

 

[DianeB]

I know my cousin wouldn't ever intentionaly wish to upset me, in fact this is what has surprised me as usually she is excellent.
If she had have just signed the card it would have been better.
I dread the first Xmas, although this last one was difficult as we all knew Mum was not well and didn't really know what was going off, but at least we still managed to get her here for her dinner.
Easter as a child brings back some really happy memories, as my birthday was always low key (being adopted, meant this time was painful for Mum rather than happy) so both Mum and Dad would go well over board with Easter, we would get presents galore and be allowed to eat our Easter eggs before dinner time. The last few years I have been away for my birthday so been able to feel I can celebrate it properly (going away at this time this year too). However Mum and Dad both share their birthday 21st May, and this is going to be very difficult day for Dad with it being his birthday as well, so may have to get my thinking cap on and see what we can do.

 

[Vonny]

Hi Diane,

I agree with Joanne, that your cousin was probably trying to cheer you up, but didn't on this occasion do it successfully, and no wonder. It's such a short time since you lost your mum you must still be utterly raw with grief. I can't say anything to help other than that you will get through your dad's birthday and Christmas by taking one day at a time, even if it's unbearable, and you know we are all rooting for you.

Love and (((hugs))) for you.

Vonny xxx

 

[Norman]

I notice that some cards that I receive,(2 years now since my Peg went,)have been carefully chosen.
Some say have a rip roaring best ever time and may your days be filled with fun and joy!!!!!
Some are open cards,some say best wishes.
Some folks give thought to what they send, some don't.
Norman

 

[Mameeskye]

HI Diane

I think it is jsut a case of some people don't think...mainly because they have possibly not been there yet, or if they have it is a time that they have blotted out of their memories.

For some as well it is a case of jollying along, for they know that sympathy makes then feel worse.

For the birthday it is difficult. The year Dad died Mum and I did something that we had discussed with Dad. He knew when he died we were going to go on holiday together...so we found a coach tour that set off on his birthday. It was a beautiful day, we had the excitement of the holiday, to temper the fact that we were down that he was not there to share it with us. We set off to Sorrento, Mum's favourite place. Luckily as well it was a beautiful sunny day!

((((hugs)))) It gets a little easier as time passes but it can still hit you unawares with a great clout years after...

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Cate]

Hi Diane

I think friends and family with hindsight try their best, with me, it depends on the mood of the hour whether they get it right or not.

What I find worse than getting the 'wrong card' is those folk who stay away in case I get upset!

Sending you a hug.
Love
Cate xxx

 

[mum of two]

Hi Dianie,
I have recently lost my mum to vascular dementia on the 8 march. i know where you are coming from although i have 2 children I wasn't really bothered with Easter .Never mind Christmas my mum's birthday was in may 3 dats before my daughter. I do find that i have to fight with myself to get up & do things. The school hols have been a struggle as i have to try & be normal & do things with them. I have had a lot of down times recrntly & i find myself just going somewhere quiet to have a cry.
take care your mum's spirit is with you as is mine.
Mandy

 

[salacious]

i know how you feel

hi diane, my mom passed away in january, and if she could see the way i am now, she would say to buck up or ill knock it out of you lol. but i find it so hard to enjoy anything anymore. if i do try to enjoy myself i feel guilty, and if i dont i just feel maudlin.
the answer is, there is no answer.
you have to find your own way through grief, and whoever and whatever helps you, keep it close. i find the rest of my family help, and my boyfriend tries to too. but in the end it is only yourself that can make you change.
good luck and you know we are always here if you need us x