words of confort please!

[margaritaadios]

hi everybody lots going on everywhere at this very moment. my mother in law has gone down hill recently. AD has affected her behavoir, memory, selfcare but the worst thing is that she knows that she is suffering an incurable desease and she cries and panic no matter the time. she is using antidepresants but they do not see to do anything better.
i have try positive approach to alleviate her personal suffering but still i feel like a loser every time i see her down and to be honest i can not lie to her saying 'you will get better' or 'everything is all right' because inside me i know is not the truth. for me is horrible to see it i do not know what to say to her any more in single terms it feels like a torture. please help us!!!

 

[gigi]

Hello Margarita...

Sorry things are a bit rough for you just now.

I'm not sure that I can help...this could be a phase that your mother in law is going through.

But you do say...

i can not lie to her saying 'you will get better' or 'everything is all right' because inside me i know is not the truth. for me is horrible to see it i do not know what to say to her any more in single terms it feels like a torture. please help us!!!

I'm wondering, if you are constantly telling your MIL that she won't get better....do you think, as her memory is poor, each time you tell her may be like the first time and she reacts to that?

Sometimes it's kinder to tell a few "white lies"...even though lying may be against our nature, and we may find it hard to do...if the truth is upsetting for your MIL..as it obviously is..do you really have to be so honest?

The only other thought is that you ask her consultant or GP for further advice and perhaps a medication review.

I do sympathise with your dilemma...it's hard on the carers too.

Love gigi xx

 

[Margarita]

Sorry to read how upset your mother is getting .

'everything is all right'

I tell my mother “don’t worry everything going to be OK" My mother has never understood what a Dementia is. But she knows there is something going wrong with her.

I have to keep saying “Don’t worry “because my mother was always a worrier per Dementia anyway. With the Dementia it magnified that worrying part of her personality that it can bring her up a level of so much anxiety in her. that its quite distressing for me to see her like that.

so when my mother notices things are getting going wrong with her, she can't do it . I tell her also " don't worry it can happen to any of us" your be Ok don't worry trust me . sometimes it works . Sometimes it does not, my mum just shout her frustration out, or cry it out, But I never see a tear drop but she making the sound of it.

 

[jenniferpa]

Well you're right - it is an incurable disease. And at least some people retain an insight into their condition until quite late on. Can I ask what you mean by you cannot lie? Is this in response to direct questions? Personally I would probably have had difficulty with "you will get better" but absolutely no difficulty with "everything will be OK" because the latter had a germ of truth in it. You really have to find a mantra that you can repeat each and every time. It's doesn't have to be fresh and new as she probably won't remember anyway, but it should be reassuring.

When it comes down to it, she's the one who is ill and if necessary, we as carers have to sacrifice our ideas of truth and honesty for the benefit of the person who has the disease. It doesn't make us less and may be necessary. The other thing you should do it make sure her medications are at the right levels (and the right medications for that matter). Not every anti-depressant works in every person.

 

[seaside]

Hello Margarita,

I am so sorry that you are all going through this difficult time.

My Mum in Law has dementia, but it varies in its effects depending on if she has any other physical ailments too (chest infection, urine infection etc), so if she is on antibiotics I say things like 'I am sure you will soon be feeling much better once the antibiotics get working' (not a lie because she DOES feel much better then.) or, 'you seem very tired at the moment but I am sure if you get a few good night's rest you will be feeling more like yourself'. If you concentrate on her 'feeling' better rather than actually recovering you will maybe not feel like you are lying, but I also agree with other correspondents that those little white lies are often the kindest thing we can say.

My MIL was put on antidepressants and they seemed to make a huge difference after about 5 weeks, as she was very tearful before then, so hopefully that will help your MIL too.

 

[Softy]

I am sorry to hear of your problems at the moment and can feel what you are going through, I would never have told my Dad that he was not going to get better he did not need to hear that. If he asks what was happening to him in the early days I would laugh it off and tell him it was his age and it would come to us all. When he was worried about something in particular and getting distressed I would say, whatever it is Dad tell me and let me worry about it you just let it go. sometimes it worked sometimes it didnt. All you can do is support your loved one I found that Dad asking for his dead Mother was the hardest thing to deal with at first I would tell him that she was dead and he would get upset so then I would tell him that she would come later and he would forget about it. White lies were my lifeline

 

[margaritaadios]

big thank you

Sorry things are a bit rough for you just now.

I'm not sure that I can help...this could be a phase that your mother in law is going through.

But you do say...

I'm wondering, if you are constantly telling your MIL that she won't get better....do you think, as her memory is poor, each time you tell her may be like the first time and she reacts to that?

Sometimes it's kinder to tell a few "white lies"...even though lying may be against our nature, and we may find it hard to do...if the truth is upsetting for your MIL..as it obviously is..do you really have to be so honest?

The only other thought is that you ask her consultant or GP for further advice and perhaps a medication review.

I do sympathise with your dilemma...it's hard on the carers too.

Love gigi xx

Hi there thanks for your advise well we normally do not say anything to her. but don't you think that is horrible having to know that she won't get better.
Yes i am angry for what happened to her and all i wish i could make better.
I will take her to the consultant to see what is going on.
thank you againg for you wisdom it is much value.

 

[Shazdia]

I can sympothise with you as we are just starting that stage.
However I agree with the replies that it is surely better to tell them whatever they need to hear to take away the stress at that particular time.
We all know that they will not get better but telling them that things will settle down and not to worry, let you take on the worries is better than watching them be in emotional pain.
My mother was told for years that all she had was a deteroration of the brain which was causing her to forget things. After it was finally accepted that it was the onset of dementia we were advised to tell her that it was that which was causing her memory failures. She accepted that and knows what it means but does not relise how bad she is likely to get. So my sister and I agreed we would just tell her things will settle down now that she is on medication, this calms her a lot(at the moment)and I find that more comforting as it helps to stop her panicking.
It is horrible that we all know they wont get better and I expect all of us are angry at the situations we now find ouselves in, all of us wish we could take it away and pray for a cure but unfortunately that is an impossibility so we all have to flounder along as best we can. So surely anything you can say that will alleviate their anxiety is better than nothing.
I also think you should discuss it with her GP or consultant, maybe there is medication that will help to keep her calm.
Despite everything they are still part of the family and we do all we can to comfort them.