Help I feel my mum is so sad...

mrpotatohead

Registered User
Nov 3, 2008
11
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Please could you help me with some advice. My dad has vascular dementia, i am not too sure how bad he has it because some of his behaviour doesn't seem to fit the illness. He controls my mum so much he will not let her go anywhere without him, she is not allowed to see friends, family, grandchildren without him and if we call up he either will not let us talk to her or tells her to get off the phone. She can't wear what she likes he even dictates that.she is like a prisoner within her house and life, mum is a intelligent, wonderful caring person who seems to think that this is want she has been dealt in life and has to live with it. She has given up in the past year, her job, her one day every two weeks with her sister, her once a month ladies luncheon. I keep telling her that she has to have time out and to get help or except help from her children but she doesn't. She cries alot and I know they row alot but how can I help her?:confused:
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
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london
He controls my mum so much he will not let her go anywhere without him, she is not allowed to see friends, family, grandchildren without him and if we call up he either will not let us talk to her or tells her to get off the phone.

My mother also got vascular dementia, also had all those symptoms your father showing towards your mother.
I was told by a dementia nurses to get my mother use to being look after by other people then I, as my mother will became totally depended on me to do every think for her.

May be that what happening with your father, his becoming very insincere about everything around him; feel safer when your mother is they around him all the time. So when people came around he feels threaten , when your mother leave him he feels scared .

While on the phone I felt, my mother was being Paranoid towards me .

She has given up in the past year, her job, her one day every two weeks with her sister, her once a month ladies luncheon. I keep telling her that she has to have time out and to get help or except help from her children but she doesn't. She cries alot and I know they row alot but how can I help her


Would your mother except someone coming into her house to sit with your father ?

Then that also depends if your father would expect that ?

except help from her children but she doesn't.

She really should at lest try that . give it a go see how it work out.
 
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Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
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Hello Mr. Potatohead,

I don't think there is anything you can do but to be as supportive to your mum (in her way) as you can. People deal with the caring aspect of this illness in many different ways - some good, some bad and probably most somewhere in between. My initial thoughts are that your mum has enough with your dad of being told what to do so she really doesn't need it from anywhere else. Perhaps if you are able to hand her information, ie a leaflet from the Alzheimers Society and/or Carers Federation in the hope that your mum will pick them up when she sees the need.

You are important too and this must be extremely stressful for you to witness. Perhaps you could consider getting some support for yourself. Maybe you could join a carers support group run by the Alzheimers Society and in that way you may get some very good ideas on how best to help.

Love and best wishes
 

Canadian Joanne

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Apr 8, 2005
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Toronto, Canada
Do you live close enough so that you can take your dad out for a day and give your mother a break? How many are there in your family who could take Dad for a day or at least an afternoon?

You might have to put your foot down with your mother. If your father has always been the dominant person in their relationship, it may be very hard for your mother to change. But change she should, as her health will most likely suffer.

It's hard to understand your father's behaviour, but I think it's actually his fears and insecurities causing his to be so controlling and clinging to your mother.

As for some of his behaviour not fitting the illness, I wouldn't worry about that. Unfortunately, dementia seems to cover all spectrums of behaviour.
 

mrpotatohead

Registered User
Nov 3, 2008
11
0
Thank you all for your replies. There are 3 children in our family me, my older sister and my older brother. Unfortunately my dad will not stay with me or my sister and but will (after a long and hard fight) stay with my brother but unfortunately he works so can't always get the time off. I have contacted the alzheimer's society and they have in turn sent me information which I have passed on to mum, also I have contacted the local society and spoken to them. i have even rang the hopsital and asked to speak to the nurse to help me understand this illness. I have given mum numbers and books and leaflets but her answer is "there is nothing they can do". It just breaks my heart to see this lovely woman dying a little more each day. She lived for her grandchildren and that was her job teaching little ones. It makes me very stressed and sad.
 

gigi

Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
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East Midlands
He controls my mum so much he will not let her go anywhere without him, she is not allowed to see friends, family, grandchildren without him and if we call up he either will not let us talk to her or

It doesn't sound as though their relationship was like this before the dementia as your mum had her own life.

Seems like a long time ago but I do remember going through an element of this with my husband...pre diagnosis..and it was very difficult as I thought he was becoming a "bit controlling". It caused a lot of bad feeling at the time..but when I challenged my husband about his behaviour he would always back down and apologise. Not everyone will be the same of course...

And I now realise this was a part of the dementia. Always easy with hindsight. I also have reasoned ,as Joanne has said that it's to do with "security". A lot of men are used to being "in charge" and when they realise they're not any more they flounder.

Your mum is really the person in control now...dad is ill..(but probably won't admit it) Mum needs support to learn how to back off from confrontation..say "yes" when she means "no". It all goes against the grain, I know...

Could you introduce your mum to TP?

Love gigi xx
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
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It just breaks my heart to see this lovely woman dying a little more each day.

It does seem that the one thing you can do is find support for yourself.

Love
 

mrpotatohead

Registered User
Nov 3, 2008
11
0
I would love mum to have access to TP but unfortunately they aren't allowed to get internet access because Dad says NO! and she couldn't use it when she is here because he never leaves her side!!
 

Softy

Registered User
Jan 25, 2008
97
0
West Yorkshire
My Dad suffered from Vas Dem & Az and did have a controlling and agressive stage which was very difficult to deal with. I found that luaghter was the key when dealing with Dad in a mood, if I could get him to laugh he would do what we wanted or needed him to do. This way I was able to stay with him and give my Mum a break when he was at his worst. If he will not let you stay in the house with him then arrange a trip out dont ask him just do it then he will not have time to object. Make sure he enjoys himself and the next time he will go with you quite happily. You must get him to accept you now as your Mum will need more support as the illness progresses. Good luck and keep your chinm up.