So tired

[doelani]

It has been a hard few days. I posted about mum being ill at weekend.......

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=15519

She has been up and down today, she is a bit more alert and at one point today the nurse was thinking of maybe getting her out of bed onto a chair . Tonight when I went to see her I could acually hear her gasping for breath before I even opened her bedroom door. Her breathing was very irractic and after the staff moved her up a bit in the bed it helped a little. I could not belive how a few hours made such a difference. I know this is probally how it will be now.

My problem is I am so tired, all I seem to have done for days is cry, go to see mum , come home and cook, go to see mum , come home go to bed and cry.

This morning it was a case of " I do not wnat to go see her" I did though, 4 times today for about 1.5 to 2 hours each time. The home is only about 2 miles away so not a great distance but it's the driving, parking, walking. Her home is in town centre and no car park, so have to park and walk past shops and people. Ok this is not a big problem for most but I suffer from bad anxiety and panic attacks and by the time I get to the home/car each time I feel like I have walked for miles.

I do not sleep well and have been worst over last few days, I just want to go to bed and stay there but can't. Tomorrow is looming, sorry today I should say and have to do it all again.

Sorry for the moan but does anyone else get fed up with the running back and forward? I know I should be greatful mum is still here and in a way I am, I just hate seeing her suffer and not being able to do anything. She cannot tell me if she is hurting, she cannot tell me how she feels, I feel helpless.

 

[Grannie G]

Surely you do not have to go so many times in one day. No wonder yo are tired and no wonder you don`t want to go.

Give yourself a break, once daily is fine I`m sure.

 

[jenniferpa]

Yes I found the constant visiting, particularly when my Mother was in hospital more than a little wearing, and I didn't have nearly what you have to deal with.

I know you want to be there, and you feel you shouldn't miss any time with her but I do wonder whether 4 times a day might not be pushing a little for your own health. Even 2 times a day would, I would have thought, been more than adequate. Obviously you have to do what you feel you have to do, but do consider reducing these visits a bit.

Take care

 

[doelani]

thanks for the quick replies.

I know it seems a lot but due to my own health I feel I have neglected visiting her recently although she has not known me in 3 years and I know she is well looked after. some weeks I ahve only been able to visit her once a week. I am only visitor she gets apart from one other maybe every few months at xmas, birthday, mothers day etc.

I am going to try and only go twice tomorrow but as she is in bed now hate the thought of her being in her room alone. I know staff are in and out checking on her but just seems wrong. I will not forgive myself if she dies alone.

 

[jenniferpa]

Please Doelani - don't say you won't forgive yourself if she dies alone. Even if you were there 24/7 theres a good chance that might happen anyway. I don't know how many times I've read on the forum "I just went to the loo and she died". I do think there can be an almost conscious decision to take this last step alone, so please if it happens, don't blame yourself: you know she wouldn't want you to.

Love

 

[DianeB]

As many on here will know I could have written your post almost word for word. My Mums breathing became like your Mums and it is scary, seeing them struggle for breath makes you want to put your mouth over theres and give them yours, its torture.
I would say the same as the others, you are draining yourself completely by going so many times a day. Would Mum have really have wanted you to run yourself down so much?

With regards to feeling the guilt because she is in her room alone, and you don't want her to die alone, well I felt the same, however I am a true believer that if somebody wishes to pass away alone or with somebody they will. When I went to see Mum on her final day, I thought she was breathing better, so I thought I was safe in going to the gym and also back home to pick up the nighties that the carers had requested.... however I had only been in the gym 20 mins when I got a call. I will not allow myself to feel guilt though because I was not there at the time, I had been with her for 2 hours and honestly thought I would be OK. Years ago when my Nana died I cared for her 24/7 for nearly 3 weeks. The first time I go home to get some sleep she passed away, it was like she was waiting for me to leave. Mum always said Nana didn't want to put you through this and I think Mum felt the same about herself. Has Mum got any music in her room that would make the atmosphere a little better?

Although Mum passed away this month, there have been a few times when we have been told she is near the end for her to pull through. Its amazing just how much inner fight a frail lady had, and she weighed no more than 6 stone too.

I am here if you need to talk and you are welcome to private message me if I can help support you. You need to take care of yourself as well, easier said than done (((hugs)))

 

[Cate]

Doelani I do feel for you, I truly have walked a mile in your shoes.

I got the call on the Tuesday that mum had taken a turn for the worse, and from that point I stayed with her until she died on the Sunday. The nurses were wonderful to both of us, they put a crash mat on the floor next to mum's bed so I could sleep at night, but of course I didnt sleep. I will never know if she knew I was there, but I talked to her all the time anyway.

If you want to stay with your mum, and dont need to keep going home for children (I dont know your circumstances) I am sure you will feel less fraught and anxious if you just stayed with mum, I am sure the staff would go along with your wishes.

Thinking of you.
Love
Cate

 

[doelani]

thanks for replies.

I am not going to go to home until later, trying to get somethings sorted at home. I have rang though and she is no better, nurse said they are going to contact doctor as they think she needs to go on oxegan and need him to ok it. I cannot see him coming out today to see her as he was out on monday.

The nurse said her " colour was not good" , not sure what that indicate's.

 

[Annoula]

hello doelani,

i agree with the rest of the people. you shouldn't exhaust yourself with 4 visits a day while you have your own difficulties with the going over.
and you should not blame yourself for anything.
you try to do the best but you are not a superhero!
we all try for the best but that doesn't mean we can do everything at anytime and at any cost. if you also have a family of your own please try to balance needs. your mother may need you but you may also have other people to care for and you shouldn't "neglect" them in any way.

don't be harsh on yourself. you also need peace and some friendly contact.

take care.