I feel so selfish

[doelani]

My mum had another TIA ( think thats what it is called ) today, she had one last week as well. When I went to see her she is liek a skeleton, eyes glazed and just no knowledge of me or anthing around her.

She is getting weaker and weaker and expecting any time now to be told she will be permently in bed, at minute the home gets her up and she lies down in afternoon.

She looked like a corpse today and I acually wished it was over for her,my brother went to see her and his wife told me he has said the same, he also wishs it was over for her.

Are we being selfish ?

I love her but she is no longer there, has not been for 3 years now and 18months ago she was so ill hospital said if her heart stopped they felt it best not to resusitate her , she is still with us. She is a fighter, she weighs about 6 stone if even that and knows nothing. She is fighting to stay alive and I just want her to let go.

I am sitting here crying while writing this, maybe it will be tonight, maybe in a year , maybe in 2. My sister in laws father has cancer and has a year at the most, I told her she is so lucky, she has a year to say goodbye, to do things and know his suffering will be over, we do not have that with mum, we just keep hanging on.

sorry for sounding so selfish

 

[TinaT]

There are few precedents we can follow which signpost us to how many years a person with dementia can continue to fight death. It often comes when we least expect it. All that you can do is to ensure that she is getting good care and is being made as comfortable as she can be. That is as much as any loving family can do. Then I'm afraid it is the waiting game, waiting and watching whilst the body slowly breaks down. Not dramatic, not to a set pattern, just the slow ebbing of the life force until a fall, an infection or suchlike is the last straw for her body to cope with.

I hope that you have the support of your family at this time. You must keep yourself strong as it will take such a lot of courage for you all to keep supporting her at this stage of her life.

xxTinaT

 

[doelani]

thanks for the replie Tina

She is well looked after and cared for where she is,anything she needs extra we get her, this is very little now as she is just existing.

I am just so scared. I thought I had prepared myself, detached myself from this woman who used to be my mother, but when I see her it all comes back , how hopeless and frail she is, My mother was this big strong woman who everyone feared, and now she is to weak to even open her eyes, I want it to be over. Sorry I know this sounds cruel but I hate seeing her like this and she will never get better

 

[TinaT]

It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love go through this diesease. It is heartbreaking to watch anyone of any age with any disease go through the final stages towards death. My darling daughter in law aged 34 died of leaukaemia almost two years ago. The final few months of her life were extremely hard for us to cope with. But we did, we had no choice except to continue to feel for what she was going through and love her with all our hearts.

My love to you at this very hard time xxx
TinaT

 

[Vonny]

Hi Doelani

and now she is to weak to even open her eyes, I want it to be over. Sorry I know this sounds cruel but I hate seeing her like this and she will never get better

There's nothing cruel about wanting a release for your mum from this evil disease.

My mum has no quality of life and I know she wants it to end. She has even asked me to help her on her way, on her lucid days, and when I tell her I can't, she cries. This is the woman whose only interests were her family. She would have committed murder to save one of us, nothing we did could be wrong. She was completely focused on keeping her family happy and now I have to tell her I can't help her. It is heartbreaking and I feel like I am letting her down at the final hurdle. Even if it was legal, I don't know if I'd have the strength to do it. She's my mum and I don't want her to go, but I don't want her to stay like this, for her sake.

My dad said there is no happy ending, and he is right.

I'm sorry I can't offer any comfort, I wish I could, but please don't beat yourself up for hating the situation. Carry on posting and let it out here - the only comfort I can find these days is found here on TP, amongst people who understand.

Vonny xxx

 

[doelani]

Thanks for replies, I did not sleep well, been lieing awake for hours just thinking about mum. It's weird, she was not a perfect mother, we had things hard as kids, but she was still there for me. I have three siblings and she would fall out with us, somethimes did not speak to a sibling for years but I just ignored the rows and went back the next day as if nothing had happened.

There's nothing cruel about wanting a release for your mum from this evil disease.

I guess not, just so hard as my dad died suddenly 22 yeasr ago when he was in his 50's , so have never really had to deal with someone dieing when you are waiting on it. I would not wish this illness on anyone.

 

[Margarita]

so have never really had to deal with someone dieing when you are waiting on it.

I have, but with my mother sister who brought me up in part of my childhood, it was like I had 2 mothers


I felt shame, guilt just in thinking I wish it was all over for her it was an emotional nightmare as I also felt relief come over me when she passed away, that made me feel guilty in just feeling that . But I just had to stop being so hard on myself or it take over my future with deep depression .

I thought I had prepared myself, detached myself from this woman who used to be my mother, but when I see her it all comes back , how hopeless and frail she is,

Nothing can mental prepare you in how to feel while you’re waiting for someone to pass away.

Just keep feeling those thought memory emotion, Then just take very deep breath in out when those emotion pain engulf you, telling yourself its normal in thinking what your thinking in wanting it all over (((hugs)))

 

[Sam Iam]

Doelani,
the guilt monster is an unwanted beast that seems to hang around carers, twisting away at our inners and adding extra stress to this horrible disease and is difficult to live with, it robs you of sleep and ties your stomach in knots.

Our loved ones end up having no say in their treatment and care and we ultimatly end up with the responsability, you are constantly assessing and questioning, wondering if you have "done the right thing" and when they are suffering you have more guilt for all you want to do is end the suffering but to do that we lose them.
Doelani you are not selfish you are sensiblexxx

 

[doelani]

thanks for replies.

It has been a hard day, I have cried until I have no more tears. I rang this morning and nurse said they were getting mum up out of bed and she had eaten some breakfast. When I called at 11.30 she looked terrible, sweating a lot and although they checked her temp again and it was normal she was just not right. They put her back to bed and a few hours later I got a call to say she had takena nother TIA and they were waiting on doctor.

Her bp was low, he said a few other things I cannot remember but basically said her body is shutting down. I asked " was this it " and he said " it looks like it but who knows" .He did say though no point taking her to hospital as they will not do anything home cannot do. It has been a very emotional day. I was going to stay but decided to come home.

It is just a waiting game now although knowing mum she will be back to " normal" well her normal how she was a few days ago, tomorrow.

Cruel cruel illness!!!!!

 

[connie]

Cruel cruel illness!!!!!

I can go along with this. We have a young friend (65) who is now in final, final stages.

But tell me.............what illness is not cruel? No, I am not asking for - 'this is crueller than that' - I just do not think we can ever quantify. Just my own observations.

 

[Sooe]

Just had to reply, even just to say Hi. I have no words to help but wanted you to know our thoughts are with you. You should not feel guilty, and there is no point wasting energy on being angry either, this is a cruel cruel disease (Yes as all diseases are) it must be heartbreaking just waiting for the final goodbye, and Yes sadly you should be relieved when it arrives and not suffer guilt by being relieved, just be happy for her to be ending her suffering - no person should have to suffer this sad waiting!

Big Big Hug
Sooe xxxx

 

[Mameeskye]

Doelani

I could have written your post this time last year..in fact there is one somewhere that is very similar.

When it reaches this stage you jsut have to watch and wait and give what comfort and help that you can. It is heartbreaking. there is no other word for it. Each day brings a hope for that phone call and a dread that it will come.

You should not feel guilty. It is normal to wish to see someone you love hale and hearty and for me, when Mum died, I felt that her body was finally re-united with her spirit which had mostly departed a lot lot earlier and so she was whole again.

With Love

Mameeskye

 

[doelani]

update

mum is a bit more alert today but her chest is really bad now, she is having difficulty swallowing alhough they ahve managed to get some food and drinks into her today. She is just so frail. Doctor came today ( our own doctor ) and he says just to take thinks hour by hour, she may pick up again she may not. He also said because she is so weak now to prepare for the worst.


sorry do not know what else to say eacept thanks for the replies

 

[Vonny]

It is dreadful time for you Doelani. I have no advice or anything, just wanted to say I hope things are a bit better today and to let you know I'm thinking of you

Love and hugs

Vonny xxx

 

[Cl13]

Hello Doelani, I have just read your post and I'm sorry I missed it over the weekend, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, it's a terrible time, we lost my dad to cancer 2007, I know what its like waiting for the call and feeling sick every time the phone rings, Love and (((((Hugs))))) Lynn

 

[CJ75]

just wanted to send you lots of love and support having read your posts. I hate this illness xx