Irrational and Unreasonable

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
0
Newport, Gwent
Each day brings me closer to the dreaded ‘Mothering Sunday’. Yes I am a mother, but I don’t have a mother any more.

I used to get so much pleasure with mum, especially pre AD, on the run up to Mothering Sunday. I used to book somewhere really nice for lunch, you know, one of those nice restaurants that give a little posy or small gift to the ‘mums’. I always kept it a secret where we were going until the day. We would have so much fun in the weeks before buying something new to wear, mum used to call it our ‘mothers together day out shopping’. She always used to giggle we were ‘mothers together’, I think it just ticked her pink that I am a mum too. Even though in latter years the shopping trips were out of the question, I still had great fun organising something special, and mum loved it all, her special ‘Mothering Sunday’.

I am struggling to put into words how desperate I feel this year. I thought the days for tears were in the past, but the tears are flowing so easily, it’s stupid I know, its just another day.

Something else has dawned on me loud and clear. Of course because it was Mothering Sunday and I organised something special for my mum, by default this mum had something special too by way of sharing and enjoying the same day. Has anything been arranged for this mum this year, no, this mum who is spending her first mother’s day without her mum and is heart broken. I know I am throwing the toys out of the pram. All completely unreasonable, I know my ‘child’ is working on Sunday, I just feel so bloody miserable.

So my plans for Mothering Sunday, taking a bouquet of flowers to the church yard, and having a flipping good cry, feeling desperate I don’t have my mum, and feeling very sorry for myself. Just when I think Im doing just fine, something else comes along to bite me on the bum! Irrational and unreasonable, yes, guilty as charged.

As usual, to my TP friends, thanks for listening.
 
Last edited:

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,387
0
Buckinghamshire
Dear Cate,

This is my first Mothering Sunday without my Mother and to be honest I pick up cards and read them and tears start rolling.

With my daughters' we would have a special meal all together but not this year. Peter not being here has changed all that. We cannot face it at present.

I feel so angry inside that this herrendous illness turns a family inside out.

So Sunday, I will go to the Cemetry and put flowers of his grave.

Take care
Christine
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Aw Cate, I am so sad for you, it seems that you made a big thing out of mothers day for your mum, and never bothered much with yourself. Give me your kid's phone numbers and I will give them an earful!

But every relationship with a mum is different. I had none with mine. I read about you laughing and giggling with your mum, and am envious, I had none of that with my mum. She just wasn't the sort. It sounds as if you had a very special relationship with your mum, I am so pleased that you did, and you must feel bereft that it has gone. But don't expect that your children have the same magical relationship, and don't have bugbears, just remember your mum and you, and what you had together, and love her to bits, and take the flowers for her - and lambast the rest of the family later!

I am not sure that this message will help you, it was meant to. I don't think I have said things right.

Love

Margaret
 

milly123

Registered User
Mar 15, 2009
896
0
England
still miss mum

i understand how you are feeling right now i lost my mum tenyears ago dad died the year before dad had dementia two years later my husband was diagnosed with alzheimers he is going into later stages some times i feel like i cant go on caringmuch longer i feel like ive lost him also i have my family who are very good but i still miss mum milly123:)
 

Vonny

Registered User
Feb 3, 2009
4,584
0
Telford
Der Cate,

you have jolted me out of my self-pity. I was dreading Mother's Day because this will be the first year that mum has been immobile and not understand what it going on when I take her a card and her flowers. Your post has made me realise I am lucky to still have a mum, even one who can't walk or talk, she is still there. Reading your post has made me realise this could be the last Mother's Day I will have with her so I need to make the most of it while I can. Thank you for putting it all into perpective for me.

Like you I'm a mum, but to a teenage boy so I certainly won't be getting any treats!! My sister normally reminds him but she's away at the moment so if I even get a "Happy Mother's Day" grunt I shall be very surprised.

You are entitled to throw your toys out of the pram. It will be a horrid day for you but I'm sure your mum will be watching out for you and when you give her those flowers in the chuch yard and have a cry she will be with you in spirit.

Take care and hope Sunday isn't too awful for you

Vonny xxx
 

Snip

Registered User
Mar 16, 2009
127
0
Your message really touched me, Cate ... I still have my mum and her AD is newly diagnosed so she is still 'with' us at the moment. Eating meals out is getting difficult for her (she's in a wheelchair mostly so access can be tricky and most places are full on Mother's Day) so we are having a sunday lunch here..a few presents for her and just time to 'be'. This is the first Mother's Day since her diagnosis so it will be tinged with sadness but your post has made me feel so privileged to still have her here with me.

I find a good old sob makes me feel better (even if only for a while!) so maybe your visit to the cemetery with flowers will be helpful, albeit in a painful sort of way? Can you plan a little 'treat' for yourself for later in the day? Something nice to eat? A nice glass of wine? I think I would keep the actual day for yourself and memories of your lovely mum.....and give your family a darned good earful the next day!

Your mum was blessed to have a daughter like you.

Snip
 

Mameeskye

Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
1,669
0
60
NZ
Cate

((((Hugs))))

I too face the first Mother's Day after Mum's passing.

IT is hard when you are a Mum too and last year I celebrated with Mum on the Saurday and then my own kids on the Sunday. This year DH is taking the kids to visit his Mum on Saturday and we will celebrate on Sunday. I couldn't face being with his Mum on the day..it is too raw...and shows me what I miss.

One thing though that DH said to me this morning..life's circle..I have become the matriarch, I am the family pivot now. It is nice, but sad. I am too young for this role yet. I want to be mothered still. Did my Mum feel like this too?

Throw your toys out the pram. I understand. I am luckier in that mine are only 7 and want to celebrate.

Love
Mameeskye
 

tillygirl

Registered User
Jan 7, 2009
211
0
Tyneside
Hi,

I feel the same sentiments that you have expressed. It is 18 years since my Mum passed away and I still miss her. My children are in Australia, I don't think that it is Mothers Day there so I will have no acknowledgement from them either. It is a sad time on Mothers Days for everyone who had lost that special person.

Tilly
 

maryw

Registered User
Nov 16, 2008
3,809
0
Surrey
Hi Cate
Hugs to you. Of all the days perhaps Mothering Sunday (I love its proper title!) hits the hardest. It's my first one without my Mum; I was in the hairdressers yesterday (looking after myself :)) and they were talking about Mother's Day and, then they started, tears rolling down my face...... it happens so unexpectedly doesn't it? I think the build-up to the day is possibly worse and after all it has become rather an opportunity for mass retailing!! In the past I found Mothering Sunday difficult as I didn't have children of my own but I did have a mother, now I have lost her too. But hey ho memories are good and I'm going to focus on those, swallow hard, enjoy the pamper which my husband promises by way of card and flowers from the animals - yes, you heard right, the animals :D and I'm keeping out of the shops!!

It is only 1 day and then life moves on. The anniversaries and special dates will remain, we just have to learn to live with them.

Thinking of you Cate and hope it's not too bad for you.
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Irrational and unreasonable? You mean like me wanting to 'brick' the television everytime 'the perfect gift for Mother's Day' appears? They are either on a million times a day or I am just unlucky that everytime I walk into the lounge there is yet another advert for a compilation CD 'just perfect for' .....

Mother's Day for 'historical' reasons has never actually been a good day for me but this year I recognised very early that this year was going to be very different. I did wonder at one point about visiting the cemetry (assuming I had the nerve to even crawl from under the duvet) ... but have been coached and cajoled into trying to embrace the day for myself ......

The trouble is that Mother's Day is so over-hyped and commercialised it's hard to escape it but that is exactly my plan for this year .... have already been avoiding shops - (especially card shops unless I can reach the section I want practically blindfold) and Sunday will find me at the seaside (a place which has no significant memories of mum) .... feeding arcade machines, overdosing on candy floss and bubble gum ice cream ..... a round or two of crazy golf if the weather is fine ....

Some might see that as a regression to my childhood and a subconcious way of connecting with mum, others as denial, others as selfish ..... I call it a massive dose of self-preservation .... I want to survive to see Monday without causing too much flood damage!

Cate (and anyone else facing the same situation this year) the way I am looking at it is I dedicated so many 'days' (as we all have) to my mum over the last few years it hasn't needed a 'Mother's Day' to show her I loved her, or to try to pamper her ... in fact through the dedication and love we showed for them they perhaps have had more 'Mother's Days' than most in duplicate lifetimes!!!!

Take care, honey ...... and perhaps look at ways of spending Sunday celebrating what you did for your mum, not what you miss being able to do for her now? Tough call, I know. :(

Love, Kaz, x
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
0
Leicestershire
My first mothering Sunday without mum was awful too(16 years ago now)- my ex- husband was telling me to pull myself together as I now had a son who was incidentally born the day AFTER my mum died( from cancer not AD). why could I not be happy as I had a lovely son and my mum died 7 months ago so get over it? I got a card and a bunch of flowers from my son. I went out for a walk alone after lunch- which I had to cook as ex was too tight to pay extra for meal out "as they hype the prices up you know with it being Mothering Sunday?". I bought a bunch of daffodils and gave it to a lady in a wheelchair-saying "I no longer have a mum will you have these for her?" her face lit up- she didn't understand- her son pushing her said that she has AD but her face said everything?
It gets easier but never easy....

My love to all those coping the first time without mum

Julie xx
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
especially pre AD

Your story of your mothers day , sounds lovely .


My daughters do make a big fuss of me on mother day.
While with my mother pre AZ, I just give mum punch flower, not even a card , because I was brought up not getting birthday cards from my mother father all those sentential words in the cards seem to mean nothing to them, it was expressed understood more in our family with action of hugs kisses openly showing the affection for each other .

I believe it the thought that counts more.
Oh yes I will get my mother a bunch of flowers she love them.
I can't give my father anything anymore on father day so he gets flowers now on his grave on father day.

I can understand where your coming from in missing those times with your mother. (((( hugs))) xxxx
 

barbara h

Registered User
Feb 15, 2008
96
0
county durham
It's my first mother's day without my mam too and I have found myself avoiding the shops and when i have had to go into the card shops i just try and head for the card i need without looking at the mother's day cards. As for the telly every advert just seems to be 'perfect present for mother's day'.

My mam was buried and the gravestone has just been put back on after having my mam's name put on so when i go on sunday with my flowers it will be especially upsetting seeing her name underneath my dad's for the first time.

My daughter will give me a card and present but it's not the same when your own mam is not here.

Last weekend my sister and i started sorting through boxes of photos and other stuff from her house and we found lots of cards including mother's day cards that we had sent her that she had kept over the years. We even found anniversary cards that my mam and dad had sent each other over the years and my dad has been dead 10 years. Very emotional stuff.

Hugs to everyone
love
barbara h
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
0
Hi Cate

Grief has no boundries, it hits us when we are least expecting it too, it hits even harder when we're feeling low.

How many of us bear the guilt of "if only we could turn back the hand of time"?

I think your feelings are very natural.........but look on the positive side (hard i know) but you gave your mum a lovely Mothers Day every year of your life (all 21 of them ;):D) now its time to enjoy yours, and although your son might be working on that day, its about recognizing that you deserve a day to yourself, do something nice, pamper yourself, go to the pictures, out for a meal, nice candle lit bath with loads of smellies, watching corrie with a big box of choccies........whatever you fancy doing..........its a day when quite rightly you can say "s*d everything" - no housework, no ironing, no cooking sunday lunch!!!!! its banned!!!!!

You enjoy your special day, even if that includes laying mums flowers and having a guilt free weepy hour.

Will be thinking of you, much love Alex x
 

LIZ50

Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
56
0
Hampshire
Hi Cate

Hven't posted here for a while as I'm currently undergoing chemotherapy for cancer which I was diagnosed with shortly after losing Mum but your post really hit a chord with me as it's my first Mother's Day without mum and I too have been finding the lead up to it quite hard. I guess we always think they are going to be with us even when we are faced with the harsh reality of Alzheimer's.
Fortunately I have two loving kids who never forget me. My son will call round with his family during the day and my daughter has invited us for dinner so I am very lucky in that respect.
This was the first year that I thought I wouldn't have to buy a Mother's Day card but then it hit me that my daughter wouldn't get a Mother's Day card and gift either as her husband is working abroad so I had to go out and buy her a card and present from her little girl. I know that my daughter isn't expecting anything as Erin is only 2 so I hope that it will be a nice surprise for her although I must admit I had a lump in my throat reading through some of the cards.
Like Mameeskye I too still want to be mothered but I know that when I shed my tears on Sunday for Mum I won't be the only son/daughter doing so.
Love Liz xx
 

Snip

Registered User
Mar 16, 2009
127
0
thinking of you

Thinking of Cate, and everyone else who posted here about their first Mother's Day without a mum, and sending you lots of love and good thoughts.

You are still your mother's daughter..nothing can ever change that. Maybe today is a time to remember and celebrate that too?

Best wishes and a hug

Snip
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Well, it all seemed like a good idea ('escaping" for the day) except I forgot our route took us past mum's first NH ....(rarely head that direction normally) so 10 minutes into it and I was already wrecked ..... reliving the nightmares that started almost 12 months ago .... and of course hubby made it worse by recognising it and asking 'Are you sure you are OK?' - which I know I should be grateful for but it's a case of "Don't give me sympathy - that's when I crumble ......"

Then every garden centre along the country roads we took had banners for Mother's Day flowers ... and everyone on the promenade seemed to be with their mum ..... and what I would have given to be pushing mum along in a wheelchair like many of them ......:(

So 'escaping' has turned out to be heading for the sanctuary of home a lot sooner than anticipated and wondering if it would have been far safer to have kept to 'Plan A' and buried myself under the duvet until it all went away .... got a lot more 'anniversaries' and significant days to get through the next 6 months - will think twice next time about trying to pretend they are not really happening ...... :eek:

Hope you Cate, and others, are fareing better than I have so far - but if not - you are not alone,

Love, Karen, x
 

Mameeskye

Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
1,669
0
60
NZ
Hi Karen

Bad bad day.

Children appeared just after midnight, one in bed with us with a temp, other up all excited at 6am. OK DH got up and made a cuppa, but then he promptly fell asleep and left me dealing with an ill child and an excited one, balancing the plant pots etc.

Eventually after 3 hours or so I just couldn't take it any more. The tears for my Mum welled...and I have been edgy all day. NO going out as a family with one ill child, the other fell asleep for a couple of hours before lunch (most unusual) but eventually our day kicked off just after 3pm when No 1 son and I went to Asda, hit the cafe for a cake and then walked the dog (having also got DH's birthday present and cards :cool:) Only problem was the girl with her Mum in the wheelchair in the cafe....memories!)

Now we are back no 1 son and DH have just gone for a Chinese Takeaway while I stay home to look after No 2 son who looks like he may have a nice flu type virus.

((((((hugs)))))) to all of us this day.

Love

Mameeskye
 

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