My Dad - Mr J

[penguin629]

Hello

My mum sent me a photo yesterday teatime of my dad and it made me cry. He's currently sectioned at a psychiatric hospital and of late hasn't been doing well. He's very tired, hardly able to open his eyes when my Mum visits though he knows she's there. And on Saturday my mum and auntie visited and they said he was like a new person. he recognised my Aunt even though he hasn't seen her since December and was talking of Australia. They went on holiday there several years ago.

I'm getting married a week on Sunday and want my dad there. I know he can't give me away (my brother's doing the honours) but even if it was just for the ceremony and photos (not the meal) the idea of not having photos of my dad next to me in my wedding dress is crucifying me and though I know that I and the nearest wedding guests can get dressed up and have the photos at a later date, it won't be the same.

This is my dad's right to be there and if he can't (we have asked the hospital and they said it depends if he has a good day and if it's in his best interests) how do I get through the day? My fiance is planning a toast to both our dads who won't be there, which is important to both of us but I soemtimes really struggle with the thought of my dad not being there. We arranged the wedding as soon as we could due to my dad's illness.

It's so unfair and my poor mum. it's killing me hearing the sadness in her voice. Sorry, having a rant and now tearful at the laptop.

joanne

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Joanne,

When my son got married my husband was in last stages in E.M.I. Unit and there was that tinge of sadness because Peter was absent.

I sincerely hope that your Dad will be standing next to you for the photos.

Best wishes
Christine

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello Joanne

I hope your dad can be there. If he cannot, be sure he is with you in every other way, your heart and soul XX

Barb X & Ron ZZZ

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Joanne, is there one person or maybe two people in your family who would undertake to be your dad's carer for the day? Pick him up from the hospital, accompany him through the ceremony/photos and sit with him/calm him if things go pear-shaped?

Alternatively, would a member of staff or befriender from a local voluntary organisation be allowed to accompany him? Could they (your dad and carer/s) enjoy the meal in a side room perhaps, if the numbers of people at the main reception would be distracting or distressing for your dad?

Perhaps if you could show how your dad would be cared for during the wedding day, the hospital might feel able to be a bit flexible.

If you could show how your dad's worst behaviour, whatever that might be, could be managed and how he could be helped even at the most important moments for you, they might be reassured that they were doing the right thing for your dad.

Hope this helps.

Deborah
x

 

[makalu]

oh JOanne, what can i say that is so sad. And do you know what I think the same thing about my dad, he wont ever realise if I get married, when i get married. I would love nothing more as you do, to have my dad walk me down the aisle. Ive even thought of having a ceremony at the home in the garden (hes still in an assessment unit at the moment, but its a dream i have pictured in my head every day and i mean every day!). Perhaps the home will let him leave for a few hours with accompaniment, you have to try and ask. its so important. You'll have all your family round you and you will get through it. Im so happy for you at least you have the bravery to go and do it, I havent even mentioned my thoughts to my partner Im too scared.
You'll have a great day and i am sure if your dad cannot go that both will be with you and every ones thoughts. And you can show him a video of the day. Bless you, let us know how you get on.
Im so jealous! Lots of love!

 

[Helen33]

Dear Joanne

we have asked the hospital and they said it depends if he has a good day and if it's in his best interests)

I have taken a deep breath and this is my contribution:

I know that one can't plan things with someone with a dementia and your father is sectioned at the moment which means that things have been extremely difficult for him (and everyone else).
However, your wedding is looming close and if you want any chance of having your father attend, you need to do a lot of planning to make this happen. I think you need to start to pinpoint someone at the hospital who will work with you and your dad in the hope that this could happen (and you will just have to cope if it can't because it will be out of everyone's control). You need to have some serious talks with them about what it would involve if your father were to attend and what his needs would be. For example would be require a nurse to be with him and would you have to pay for this. Would he require a sitter from an Agency and, probably because of the short notice, you would have to pay for this. Your father would need to be dressed - who would be responsible for this? He would need transport. He would need calm and quiet and someone would need to take him away from the throng of people at times. If you can make it happen, I would think it would need to be as short a day as possible for your dad.

I hope this helps. You would need to get moving because you will have to get the commitment from someone at the hospital to try and help make this happen. Love

 

[penguin629]

Hi

My mum & I have thought about my dad attending the wedding and we've decided against it. Seeing him on Saturday made me realise that I can't do it to him. it feels as if I'm only doing it for me, because it'd be less upsetting if he were there. He was so tired, barely able to keep his eyes open and when he needs the toilet he needs swift help to make it there.

I'm worried what people would think of me if I allowed my dad to go. Although it's close friends and family, the last thing I'd want is them thinking I'd put on a freak show, that they'd be disgusted with me for making my dad attend.

The one thing I do insist is that I have a photo of my dad with me in my wedding dress. The hospital said they'd dress him in a suit and we can take him in the grounds for a few snapshots.

The odd thing is that I'm taking the wedding day in my stride (I get wed this sunday) but I'm so upset about my Dad. I can't believe sometimes that I'm losing my Dad. I think about my mum on her own and it tortures me. She doesn't deserve this, he doesn't. They had all these plans and now they've evaporated. And a strike of good luck for us would be him getting into the nursing home we like. he shouldn't even be going in ahome at 65.

I'm sorry for having a rant. It helps writing it here where people who know how it feels can read it. I appreciate everyones replies about the wedding. it's very kind of people to reply. Thank you.

Joanne

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Joanne

Try to enjoy your wedding day .

 

[tillygirl]

I am sure that if your dad could, he would love to be at your wedding. It is a lovely idea to go to the home and have photographs taken with your dad. This way he can still share your day with you. You will still remember it and it is a good compromise. This just shows how much you love your dad.

Enjoy your day, Tilly

 

[makalu]

You will have a wonderful day, and you know your dad would want that if he had a choice. Have some pics taken with him so you will always have those memories. Have a wonderful day, Ive been thinking about you all week. Hugs to you and your brave mum, look into your dads eyes as i did into mine today and you will see your old dad in there somewhere i just know you will and that will make you feel better. I have tears in my eyes writing this i know how you must be feeling. Let us know how your special day goes. Are you having a honeymoon?

 

[Lynne]

Dear Joanne

For what it's worth (an opinion from a total stranger, who doesn't know ANYone involved, Lol) I think you are doing the right thing - at least, the best that can be achieved in the circumstances.

I think a big occasion would be too much for your Dad to cope with, and you and Mum would be 'on alert' for Dad's needs all the time, unable to get into the spirit of the day.
I know you will still feel his absence, but this way you can enjoy being with your guests (not to mention the groom!) and still look forward to having those special photographs taken with Dad.

I hope you have a lovely day (& don't forget to post a photo here too if poss!)

Best wishes

 

[penguin629]

Hi everyone

I'm back from my honeymoon, lots to tell you good and bad.

My Dad didn't attend the wedding in the end. It wasn't fair on him. Anyway, my husband (that sounds weird saying that!) raised a toast to both our Dads and my brother (he gave me away) gave the most amazing speech. naturally it upset me and everyone else, there wasn't a dry eye in the house, but it was fantastic and exactly what my dad would have said. I'm so proud of my brother. Everyone told him afterwards how amazing it was.

Anyway, we had a lovely honeymoon (in New York) and whilst over there my mum received confirmation that my Dad has his funding and more importantly the home we want him to go to have said yes! It's closer to home and purpose built with every patient having their room. It's lovely and he has a moving date of next week. It's mixed feelings really. Obviously we're pleased but it means he isn't coming home.

Easter was awful for me. Cried non-stop on Sunday about my Dad and yesterday had my first day back at work. I can't concentrate at work. So much on my mind of other things. I went to the doctors and have to say felt better telling him everything. He was so good. He's signed me off sick with stress/anxiety for a week and told me to go and spend some time with my mum. He wants me to attend counselling. He wouldn't give me anti-depressants as he says I don't need them. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness, I miss my Dad so much. My friend assumes everything will be better once he's settled but she doesn't get it. He isn't coming home. Ever. I can't bear that.

I promise that once I get the photos sorted I will post one. But I just wanted to give an update on us. The wedding day was superb, everyone really enjoyed it and we were really lucky with the weather, it was a freak summer day in March!

Lots of love
Joanne

 

[sue38]

Hi Joanne,

Great to hear the wedding and honeymoon went well. And good news too about the home and the funding.

My dad went into a care home in November last year, and no, it isn't the end of your worries. It brings a whole host of new ones, but also in our case, the knowledge that our dad is safe and cared for 24/7 by professionals.

It is incredibly sad and you are allowed to be upset, especially as with the excitement/stress of the wedding your emotions are bound to be a bit all over the place.

Looking forward to seeing the pics of you in your wedding dress, and let us know how your dad's move goes.

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello:

I am pleased you had a good wedding day and special honeymoon. Excellent news about the funding.

It is incredibly sad - my husband is unlikely to ever come home again - and I torture myself daily about it.

Thankfully a good NH has been found and I am sure that eventually your Dad will settle - once that happens you will begin to relax a little.

Enjoy your marriage - your Dad would wish that for you.
Love Jan

 

[gigi]

Hello Joanne...

It's good to hear things are working out and that your wedding went well.

Also that dad is going to be looked after...

How is your mum coping with all of this?

Looking forward to seeing some special pics of you all...

Love xx

 

[jules3]

hi ya,just some thoughts .great idea to have some one volunteer as dads carer for how ever long he can be there.perhaps have some one go to the hospital to get him ready.i think maybe if he makes it to the wedding there would be lots of familar faces ,and plenty of people willing to keep an eye on him.,plus people from his past.the past usually helps people with dementia cope better.u never know dad mite prove every one wrong.hope all goes well and u have a great day.keep us updated

 

[penguin629]

Hi

After reading Gigi's reply I felt awful. I hadn't mentioned how my Mum's coping. She always seems to be doing okay so I asked her.

She said she feels alone. She says she has good days and the bad days are dreadful. She feels that at 60 her life is over. Of all the things my Dad could have got AD was the last thing she expected. It seems that there is nothing but worry after worry. My sister-in-law has asked my brother to move out and that makes me angry. She's on anti-depressants but my brother is the one whose Dad is dying.

My Mum went to counselling 2 years ago and said she got a lot out of it but it was awkward because my Dad couldn't stay on his own and so would sit in the car waiting for her. She's been on anti-depressants a couple of times but says they slow down her thought processes and so has come off them.

My Mum & I are going to their house in Spain in June and in November she is going on a Caribbean cruise with her friends. I'm so pleased she said yes. She said she was in tears when her friend asked her to go with them. She has some nice things to look forward to.

I know she is on her own but I don't want her to feel alone. I try to give her things to look forward to, such as this week I've been spending lots of time with her and my husband and I include her in meals out etc.

Thank you for reminding me that although I hurt it doesn't compare to the hurt my Mum feels.

Joanne

 

[penguin629]

he's left

Hello
Just wanted to give a quick update on my Dad. Today he left the hospital unit and went to his new home, albeit a nursing home, my mum rang an hour ago to see how he'd coped with the drive and the change of scenery and the staff said he was really good.

He'd had a look around, ate 4 cakes and some biscuits and was having a little snooze. My Mum's so pleased he's initially settled in. She visioned a scene, I think, although my Dad is very calm (fingers crossed so I don't jinx it!)

We're going to see him tomorrow but in the light of this terrible situation, my Dad is very lucky to have a place at such a lovely home. Thank God.

Love Joanne

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so pleased for you and your mother Joanne. What a weight off your mind.

 

[gigi]

Hello Joanne..

It's great to hear that dad is moved...and reassuring that dad is initially comfortable and settling....

After reading Gigi's reply I felt awful.

..My apologies..Joanne...I didn't intend to make you feel awful...

Glad your mum is ok,though....

Let us know how your visit with dad goes tomorrow.

love xx