Care Home Entry - the effect on the family

[ChrisM]

I have a friend whose Mom has reached the stage of needing full time care.

I can talk all I want about how it is the most practical option, that to care for someone full time will have a damaging effect on her family and that it is impossible to care for someone 24 hours per day etc. But even as I am making the comments, I know that if it were my Mom, I would have all of the same emotions and concerns.


I am struggling to find supportive words to help her through this, as she is wrestling with the guilt associated with making this horrible choice.


Has anyone got any stories, comments, experiences, poems or words that can help her through this time.

Many thanks in advance,

Chris

 

[Brucie]

Hi Chris

yes, it is so difficult.

The way I rationalise it is that we care for our loved ones in many ways: love, duty, need, wish, etc.

The over-riding thing about a duty of care is that the needs of the person being cared for are paramount.

Yes, in an ideal world, with an ideal illness, a person would remain in their home - but in an ideal world they would never be ill in the first place.

There comes a stage with many terminal illnesses where home care may become impractical, and even unhelpful if the level of care is less than might be afforded in a specialist place.

The safety, health and well-being of the person are all involved.

The challenge for the family member caring, is to recognise when situations change, and to respond to them for the good of the patient, even if the patient at that time can't see it. It is the onerous part of being responsible for care when one has to accept that the best thing is what nobody really wants, but that it is for the safety of the person.

... just my meanderings....

 

[Margarita]

I am struggling to find supportive words to help her through this, as she is wrestling with the guilt associated with making this horrible choice.

mum going into respite care home for the past 2 years , built up a trust in me believing that not all care home are all bad as each other .

Has your friend every taken her mother into a respite care home for a week or so ?

Then another step up was when I heard someone say on TV about someone going into a care home

I would still be caring for my mother, but not on the leave of her physical needs rather more on her emotional needs. So I would be still caring for my mother but in a different way, different environment.

It is the onerous part of being responsible for care when one has to accept that the best thing is what nobody really wants, but that it is for the safety of the person.

the best thing is what nobody really wants, but that it is for the safety of the person.

That is good advive as it very true .

 

[bated01]

care homes

Hi,

My nan suffers from severe dementia and is now in a care home.

My dad (an only child) and grandad passed away within the last couple of years and so i have had to take on a lot. I am only 23 and it may seem selfish to say it but i didn't want to give up my own life and career to be a full time carer.

I feel that care homes have an undeserved reputation as my nan is getting great care. I also think that my nan wouldn't want me to give anything up to care for her.

I'm sure your friends mother would want her to enjoy her life to the full and therefore putting her mum in a care home maybe somehting her mum would agree with?

Take care

Debbie

 

[Tender Face]

First of all Chris, may I say how lovely it is to hear of a truly supportive friend and one who is properly trying to empathise with the situation .... I would question realistically how much 'choice' there is in the matter (sometimes the burden of choice is debilitating in itself) and following on from previous comments that 'choice' depends not only on the requirement for full time care but balancing other reponsibilities in life (including to ourselves and others to whom we have emotional or other responsibilities).

That said, it seems well documented that it often takes a 'crisis' for someone to relinquish caring themselves (in my own case my mother, with complex physical issues going on, was removed from her own home by ambulance. On one hand, selfishly, I felt the burden of choice was removed, on the other it was a dramatic and very unplanned ending to her independence with no hope of smooth transition to the 24/7 care she needed). Perhaps your friend could see making a 'choice' (if that is the case) as planning and preparing a proper transition, and avoiding a potential crisis situation which would be detrimental to her mother as well as the impact on her and the family?

I think talking through the 'pros and cons' of the practicalities is excellent support - as you recognise, the situation can be so clouded with very strong emotions it helps for someone to give a reality check (even though some of it might be the last thing your friend wants to hear!). I know I felt like an abject failure when I felt I had lost the grip on keeping mum independent even though on a logical level it was impossible ... that said, as anyone else on TP will testify I'm sure, a move to residential care certainly doesn't mean the caring stops.

Love, Karen, x

 

[TinaT]

Your support will be so important for your friend, not just now but over the coming months and even years. Without the support of some people when my husband went into care, I would have 'gone under' with the guilt and feelings of failure. That support is still there for me a year on. These stalwart people are still there for me and giving me the support I need.

It is one of the hardest choices we ever have to face but in the end there is no choice except to do what we know is the best we can do for our loved one.
xxTinaT

 

[Vonny]

Hi Chris,

You sound very like my best chum who gives me tough love when I need it, but who won't give up on me if I don't take her advice!!! Unfortunately dementia is one area she can't help me on, but I have my good friends on TP to help there

Just being there for her has got to be a positive thing, for her to bounce ideas off, to discuss and to cry with.

Ultimately it has to be her decision but whatever she goes for, please be there to support her because she will need it.

As Brucie said, care is of paramount importance. No one would prefer to put a loved one in a home but on a practical level, keeping someone at home is not necessarily in their best interests. You say it would have a huge impact on all the family...yes it would. Dementia touches the lives of anyone who comes into contact with it. It depends very much on her personal circumstances as to whether your friend could care for he mum at home.

If your friend has not previously cared for her mum, listen to the professionals. Although we love to curse them sometimes, on the whole they are a caring bunch who can take an objective approach to something we can't possibly be objective about.

Good luck

Vonny xx

 

[ChrisM]

Thanks for your supportive comments, I will show them to her so that she can see that there are some positive sides to the events.

As an update her Mom has spent the day at the new home and seems to have had a fairly good day, and the staff seem to have been excellent with her.

Hopefully she will settle into her new routine fairly quickly.

thanks again,

Chris