not posted for a long time

[chants]

Hello to all It seems a long time since I wrote on here, at that time you were all really helpful. Mum is in a home now, which some of you may remember. She is growing more confused by the day, her eyesight is very poor now, needs cataracts removing. She has already refused to go and have them done, I am taking her myself tomorrow, that is if she will go, hoping this will help her with falling and knocking things over all the time. Although I don't know if this is due to her eyes, or her dementia, but it is worth a try, if it upsets her too much I won't take her. She thinks I am almost anyone, but her daughter, until I speak to her. But mostly I am her Mum. She also thinks that Dad is visiting her now, although he has been dead for 13 years now. She gets all the family members mixed up and thinks my brothers grandson is his son, oh, it does get a little funny, you have to laugh or else you would cry!! She is very incontinent now and talks about all sorts which mean nothing to anyone but her, sad really. She is well fed, clean etc., so can't ask for more. I love her to bits but feel very upset when she shouts at me and tries to give me a smack or two, but when she laughs with me it makes it all worth while! To everyone out there, take heart. love chants.

I have been feeling a little uneasy lately, and wondered if anyone could give me my chances of getting dementia. My mother and her 2 sisters and 1 brother all had dementia, her youngest brother, at present does not. My GP advised me to take Turmeric (is that how you spell it) tablets from the health food shop, as he had read research that it will help. What do others think, are my chances high, I must say that my memory is not what it used to be (I'm only 52) and I struggle to think of words sometimes! It does worry me. Can anyone help?

 

[Vonny]

Hi Chants,

I didn't see your original posts as I've only recently joined.

Re your worry about getting AD I think we all worry about that a little. Your occasional memory loss could be due to worrying about your mum. I become forgetful sometimes when I have too much to think about (I'm 49), at least I hope it's because of that.

Just to add, none of my mum's family suffered from any form of dementia and she is now around Stage 6. My dad's side did but, touching lots of wood here, he hasn't shown any signs and he's 81 now. I have heard that it's genetic, but even if it is it doesn't mean your definitely going to get it. I hadn't heard of Turmeric being helpful, but I may be off to my local health food shop tomorrow

Best wishes to you and your mum

Vonny xx

 

[Brucie]

Hi chants

What do others think, are my chances high

I'm afraid nobody here can possibly say, as pure statistics don't really come into it.

You may, or you may not, be more prone to it than others.

We all forget things as we get older so that is not a clincher. Memory needs to be refreshed and if we are heavily involved in something, or stressed, then that refreshing may not happen.

If you look at a set of doorkeys and wonder "what are they?" then I would be concerned. If you looked at the keys and thought " which door are they for", I wouldn't be so concerned. If you couldn't remember where you put the keys, I wouldn't be so concerned.

Your GP probably suggested the health food shop to give you something to think about. Frankly nobody knows what can or can't help, what you should or shouldn't eat, drink or breathe.

Anyone who has seen dementia at close hand will have that moment of doubt when they forget something. It happens to me all the time. I'm not worrying. I try to do something different all the time - one of the key things with dementia tends to be the inability to learn new things [that was my experience with my wife's dementia] but of course that is not a universal thing. I walk about in the dark at night to ensure my spatial awareness is ok. That's all I do...there's nothing else to be done.

I'd be inclined to live as though you knew your days were numbered - as indeed they are for all of us. Make the very most of each day, but don't get too involved with asking yourself and others questions that can't really be answered.

Live long and prosper.

 

[Margarita]

her eyesight is very poor now, needs cataracts removing. She has already refused to go and have them done, I am taking her myself tomorrow, that is if she will go

did your mother go?

As my mother has cataracts, is not having them removed. As they would have to put her completely Knock out, as she be to scared to have it done under a Local anesthetic.

 

[Annoula]

i also know of gingko biloba helping blood circulation. my mother takes it but i am not sure it does something.

i too worry sometimes that i am forgetting things and i have notifications on my mobile for everything.
sometimes it's just stress and fear. nothing else.
but it's good to have some brain workout.

did your mother had the operation?

 

[gigi]

Hello Chants....

I'm picking up on your fears about developing Dementia...

my memory is not what it used to be (I'm only 52) and I struggle to think of words sometimes!

You're only 52....but you're female...and that's an age when the menopause can give you similar symptoms to Dementia...foggy head,loss of concentration,poor memory,feeling uneasy...

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree..you may already have thought about this..but if you haven't it's worth considering..a simple blood test via your GP could show if you're moving into that phase of your life.

I do hope all goes well with mum and her cataracts...let us know.

Love gigi xx

 

[Helen33]

Hello Chants

I would really like to know how you got on at the hospital regarding the cataracts. My husband has had both eyes done over the last 6 months or so and the aftercare was really extremely difficult.

With regard to whether you might get a dementia - I am sure you know that no one can say. Any of us might. There has been no dementia in my blood family on either side but I have days where I am noticing odd things. I'm driving to a destination and sometimes can't think where I am or where I am going etc. etc.

Wishing you and your mum well.

Love

 

[chants]

cataracts op

Hi all

thanks for your replies - I took Mum to the hospital and I have to say they were really good with her, and she responded well, she was really confused that day and for a change was very compliant with strangers, but not with me and kept accusing me of lying about everything. She was very giggly with the male porter, which was quite strange, she was like a teenager! She had it done amazingly and seemed to cope really well and has gone on ok since. She is due to have the other eye done in 6 weeks, but it will depend on her mood on the day.

Thanks for caring, you are all so good.

Take care - live life to the full.!

Many thanks. Chants.

 

[Vonny]

Hi Chants,

Excellent news about your mum...would have loved to see her giggling with the porter Shame she wasn;t so good with you but I always preferred my son to throw a tantrum with me rather than outside with other people when he was a toddler (he's a teenager now so he just grunts )

It looks hopeful for the other eye since she's been so good about this one. Let's hope she remembers the male porter and can't wait to go in

Best of luck

Vonny xx

 

[chants]

Feeling bad today - and most days if I am honest

Hi all

Feeling particularly bad today. I keep having extreme feelings of guilt due to Mum being in a home. I promised Dad just before he died that I would look after Mum, as he said my brother wouldn't be able to, and I said yes I would. Now I feel that I have let him down by having to 'put' Mum into a home. I still get flash backs from a Psychiatrist who said to me "I won't help you put your mother away", when all I was wanting was help with looking after her, not necessarily residential care, although about 3 months after that Mum just collapsed and stopped walking, or even having any reactions at all. She has come back a lot from that though. I feel some days that I need a psychiatrist to help me through this guilt that I feel everyday. When I am off work is the time I feel worse, and when I leave the home after a visit to Mum, the tears flow and I feel as though I cannot go and visit again. I have felt at times as though I am stood on a wall and only one step will take me over the edge and lose control, I don't mean to hurt myself, not at all, just lose control of my emotions and ability to cope.

I feel better for having written this down. I really thought that by Mum being in care, the burden would be lighter, but some days it isn't.

Sorry for having to write this, but I just feel down today.

Thanks. Chants

 

[Brucie]

Hi Chants

I promised Dad just before he died that I would look after Mum, as he said my brother wouldn't be able to, and I said yes I would. Now I feel that I have let him down by having to 'put' Mum into a home.

what you promised is really that you would look after your Mum's care, not necessarily to be the deliverer of it forever.

Sometimes we all have to admit - I've been there - that it is in the best interests of the person who has dementia to have carers other than ourselves. We can't be there for every one of the 24 hours a day for very long without ending up in a hospital somewhere ourselves.

It is part of our responsibility as carers to do what is best, not what is necessarily most comfortable to us.

Dementia changes all the rules and sometimes, with the best will in the world, we can't play the game.

extreme feelings of guilt

there's no getting away from that but we need to accept that we have acted in the person's best interests always, or we shouldn't be doing any of it.

Be easy on yourself. Dementia makes fools and/or villains of us all, in our own minds. Others, looking on, often see it differently.

 

[chants]

Hi

Thanks for your kind words and words of sense - just a bad day!

This feeling will go away soon until the next time.... Tomorrow is another day and the sun will shine, hopefully!?!

I'm going to see her later and hopefully she will bed having a good day and will smile at me for a change. I will take her tissues, which she NEEDS all the time for some reason. My brother didn't take her some when I asked him to and she was so upset on my visit that she hadn't had some for 2 days, that gets me so mad with him, all she wanted was some tissues and he couldn't even get that right. I should have done it myself in the first place, then she wouldn't have gone through the upset, it is such a big thing to her, but he doesn't understand .....

Thanks again! Chants

 

[Cl13]

Hi chants, I haven't been with this forum long so I dont really know about you or your mum, but as for promising your dad to look after your mum, as far as I'm concerned you are doing just that, looking after her doesen't have to mean, you being there 24 7. My mum lives with me, but I dont know for how long, but I do know this, she is the last thing on my mind when I go to bed and the first thing on my mind when I wake in the morning, I cant see me feeling any different if or when mum goes in a care home. If you can be bothered to come to this site believe me you are, caring for your mum, now your tissue problem, why dont you make it your brother's soul responsabilty, if he has to take them every time he goes he's less likely to forget them, now stop beating yourself up and try and have a nice weekend, by4now Love Lynn

 

[Softy]

Hi Chants

Feeling guilty is such a negative emotion and not one that does anyone any good. Its hard to visit harder not to and sometimes impossible to leave the nh but please remember that your Mum will be looked after when you carnt be there how would that happen if she was not in nursing home. Also would your Dad have wanted you bathing and changing your Mum I think not. You made the right decision stop beating yourself up and look for a positive in every visit there will be one even if its just a smile.

 

[chants]

Thanks

Hi

Many thanks for the replies - I am never failed on this site, no matter how long it has been between posts.

I will try and be more positive, many, many thanks.

Until the next time.......

Take care of yourselves - you all deserve it.

Chants

 

[Sam Iam]

Hi Chants,
you are caring for your Mum, caring doesn't just involve washing, changing & feeding your Mum,.
Its the little things like the tissues, making sure she gets her eyes checked, visiting and wanting the best for her and to me that is caring, the times you read to your Mum, the pleasure you feel when she smiles at you, these are all the parts of caring that you Dad meant, so you are keeping your promise to your Dad.

I know this Chants as I have thought about it long and hard, I care for my Mum in our home and if and when she goes in to a NH, oh I know I too will feel guilty but I will continue to care for her the way you are.xx