Dad

Softy

Registered User
Jan 25, 2008
97
0
West Yorkshire
Dealing with loss!! How do you do that as you know my Dad died recently and I am not dealing with it at all. I cant sleep cant work cant function. There is a great hole in my life where caring for Dad used to be and now nothing. I am lucky to still have my Mum, god knows how she is coping loosing her husband of 58 years and is the daughter there for support no, I dont want to be with her at all what is the matter with me.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
There`s nothing the matter with you Softy.
You can barely cope with your own grief so I`m sure it`s why you are unable to support your mother during her grief.
Life has asked too much of you and you will have to give yourself time to deal with it in your own way.
Not everyone is able to share grief, some people need to grieve alone.
be kind to yourself.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Sylvia's right, Softy, there's nothing at all the matter with you. You have lost your dad, and you are grieving.

It's honestly better to grieve than to try to fuction normally and bottle up your emotions.

Give yourself time, as much time as you need.

Your mum is grieving too, and must be feeling desperately alone. But you can't cope with that yet. You have to come to terms with your own grief first.

Some families are able to support each other in their grief, for other people the emotion is just too painful to share. I'm like you there.

Eventually you and your mum will talk, and maybe then be able to comfort each other. Till that time comes, just take care of yourself, and do whatever helps you to get through this time.

There is nothing the matter with you, beyond grief.

Love and hugs.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Softy

Dealing with loss!! How do you do that as you know my Dad died recently and I am not dealing with it at all.

Hello Softy,

People deal with loss in all kinds of ways. Good ways, bad ways, short ways, long ways - any number of ways. What you say is that you are not dealing with it at all and it sounds like you want to deal with it? If this is so, then some people find that getting outside help is useful. Perhaps you could think about asking either the GP or the Princess Royal Trust (Carers Federation) to see a Bereavement Counsellor. From what you have written, I am thinking that this might really help you Softy and because you need someone to be there just for you it might help you to realise why it is so hard to be with your mother at this time.

Sending a ((((hug)))) and wishing you all the best.

Love
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
I cant sleep cant work cant function.
Maybe, Softy, that is your way of dealing with it - or your body's way of telling you you can't just yet? As long as you can afford not to work - don't - catch up with sleep when you can ..... function at minimum level (it's quite an eye-opener realising the house doesn't fall down because you haven't dusted for a fortnight!) ..

and is the daughter there for support no, I dont want to be with her at all what is the matter with me.

It took me years after my dad died to face going to 'their' house unless it was absolutely essential ... just couldn't cope with him not being there .... I wonder if it's something similar with your not wanting to be with mum just now? And I do know - sometimes people who are each grieving in their own ways don't do the best for each other ..... and can have quite the opposite effect?

Don't beat yourself about not being there for other people - you need to look after yourself first .. you might even find your mum needs her own 'space' too? And I bet as much as you are worrying about mum, she will be worrying about you and may not be able to express that herself either? If you could bring that into the open it might do you both good - but only you know you, and your mum, as to whether that's a good idea ........

There is a great hole in my life where caring for Dad used to be and now nothing.

What I find so significant about your post - as many who find ourselves in this section express - is 'the void' ...... I wish it could help anyone else starting out on their unique journeys to learn not to lose sight of everything else but the caring ..... I doubt it .... the intensity and the impact throughout the family, whatever our role has been, is something perhaps we can only ever realise once we reach this point?

Sending love, Karen, x
 

Mameeskye

Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
1,669
0
60
NZ
HI Softy


(((((Hugs))))))

Sometimes afterwards you just need the space to be yourself. It can be hard to deal with another's grief, the feeling that you have to be strong for your Mum when you are grieving yourself and just not getting the space to do it.

For me I threw myself back into work but after about 8 weeks felt like I was cracking up after my Dad died. I was jsut so tired, couldn't think straight. I remember bursting into tears on my boss one afternoon and he sat with me, just talking, the whole afternoon. He wasn't normally like that but it did help me a great deal, his understanding.

For Mum I felt aimless, I couldn't sit and concentrate..in fact I am finding it difficult again at the moment as the first anniversary approaches. I think for me, I had to let myself hurt and feel, to let myself deal with the emotions and then continue. But it is hard at first accepting that life can go on..when it is never going to be the same as it was before, with the same references. Youw ill find it easier in time to talk to your Mum, but you are probably just hurting too much at the moment. If you can take a holiday somewhere you might find that it helps.

Also a friend who will lsiten with a cup of tea in hand and let you cry without tryig to cheer you up can be a godsend I found.

But grief hurts. We are not cheery straight away, but it comes back in tiny stages the ability to feel happiness again and when it does it surprises you as you think that you will never feel that way again.

((((((Hugs))))))

Love

Mameeskye
 

Vonny

Registered User
Feb 3, 2009
4,584
0
Telford
Dear Softy,

I remember your posts when your dad was ill and it was clear from those how very much you loved him so it's no surprise that you can't function.

Like Karen says, don't beat yourself up about not looking after your mum. You can only live through your own grief, not hers.

When my husband died I read loads of literature on grieving and I got so angry because I didn't ever seem to be in the right phase of grief for the time. Nothing made sense and I hated innocent people in the supermarket for being alive and living a normal life when I had this bloody great hole in mine.

I desperately wish there was something I could say to help but sadly there isn't.

But I am thinking of you and sending you love and hugs and strength at this awful time.

Vonny xxx
 

Softy

Registered User
Jan 25, 2008
97
0
West Yorkshire
Dear All

Thank you so much for your replies they make perfect sense as usual. Vonny your post was just what I needed to hear because this mirrors so many if the feelings that I have. I suppose I am angry that Dad has gone and yet life goes on for everybody I want to stand in the supermarket and shout my Dad isnt here anymore any I dont want to be doing the shopping as normal. I am at work just not performing I am a manager and constantly asked questions I just dont care if I give the right answers just now. I just wish people would stop telling me its for the best and he is at peace I know that but it doesnt stop me missing him and feeling cheated that the last 18 months he didnt know me and couldnt be my Dad. I want to stay involved with you all on tp because you have helped me so much but I read the posts of people with early onset and I feel angry again that Dad has gone and cannot thinh of anything helpfull to say. Time heals they say well I wish it would hurry up.
 

Lucy O

Registered User
Jul 4, 2005
26
0
Hi Softy
I just wanted to say that I can really recommend Mameeskye's idea of talking through things with a friend who won't try and cheer you up. 4 months after my mother died last year I finally talked to someone about my mother's last 24 hours (during which she seemed to be in so much pain) and before I started I warned her that I would probably cry, but that she should ignore my tears! - and she did! I found after that that I began not to cry every morning - which was a great relief! It really is useful if you can find someone to talk to who is unrelated to you. Having said all that - it's my mother's birthday tomorrow, mother's day in a week and I've got PMT! Hate to think what sort of a mess I'll be in!
Really thinking of you Softy.
Lucy
 

Softy

Registered User
Jan 25, 2008
97
0
West Yorkshire
Thankyou Lucy

I went for a walk today through the woods where I lived as a child I thought it would bring Dad closer to me again but it was a bad idea the house that we lived in is no longer there and the woods have shrunk our favorite tree has been cut down and it all looked unloved somehow. So now I am back at work for another three hours of shifting paper around and acting like im in control
 

Vonny

Registered User
Feb 3, 2009
4,584
0
Telford
Dear Softy,

Do you think you should be at work? I know some people find it helps to throw themselves into work but I couldn't. I was a manager when I was bereaved and I had to take a couple of months off despite my perennial attempt to "lead by example". :rolleyes:

Don't forget you are not just suffering from grief, but also from a lot of pressure and stress with your dad's illness before he passed on. That all takes a toll on you and I hope you visit your doctor and consider being signed off for a while.

Take care of yourself Softy, we are all rooting for you and your mum.

Vonny xxx
 

Softy

Registered User
Jan 25, 2008
97
0
West Yorkshire
Hi Vonny

I could not be at home on my own all day long I am better at work usually. The company were very good while Dad was ill and gave me lots of time to be with him in the last couple of weeks. I will never forget that they did that or the time I had to spend with Dad. My sister rang me on Sunday we are not as close as I would like to be mainly because she lives so far away, but she made me talk about how I was feeling it all came tumbling out the anger at her and mum for leaving so much to me, the guilt that I made the wrong choices and the lies I told to my Dad when he was first admitted. She talked and talked and we both cried buckets but it helped me to be able to talk to someone. I feel a little better today more like myself. I feel better towards Mum 2 I was worried that I didnt feel able to see her I felt like I had lost her 2 but it was Mum who rang my sister and asked her to help, I guess we just need some time together every minute that we have spent together over the last 10 years has involved Dad and his care so it doesnt feel as if we have anything to talk about now.
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Hi Softy

You did not make wrong choices, you made the best choices you could at the time. Remember that.

Your sister is obviously going through her own grief even though you took the majority of responsibility for dad, she will still be grieving, perhaps with some regret that she didn't do enough.

I echo other people's feelings on whether you should be at work. Being a workaholic myself, I understand that you need to see to things, but maybe a couple of weeks off will give you chance to recharge your batteries. The doc will surely agree to that. Think of yourself for once, at this time.

Otherwise, the feelings could drag on and on. Take a break, love, for your own sanity.

Much love

Margaret
 

hatch

Registered User
May 16, 2009
3
0
gloucestershire
feel the same

hi, i can understand how you are feeling, i lost my dad in march & i find it very hard to be with my mum now. she seems to be coping better than me but perhaps its a front for my benefit. i can't talk to her about it, so you're not alone in how you are feeling. look after yourself, its a very cruel illness
 

maryw

Registered User
Nov 16, 2008
3,809
0
Surrey
Dear All

I just wish people would stop telling me its for the best and he is at peace I know that but it doesnt stop me missing him and feeling cheated that the last 18 months he didnt know me and couldnt be my Dad.

Just want to say that I don't think anyone but you understands exactly how you feel. I had so many of my friends comment "well, it was inevitable" "it's for the best" "such a big age". Those comments all left me feeling I didn't need to grieve. Fortunately I did read some books and realised that whatever age, and particularly at a great age, you will miss your parent after all the years of them being there taking care of you (even if there was role reversal at the end).

I think it's all part of life's great journey and I certainly feel more able to understand what someone else is going through now because of my own experience. Most of my friends have not been there yet. This is why TP is just wonderful because it gives you that freedom to express those lonely feelings.

Softy, I think talking it through with the right friend (who's been through similar circumstances) helps. I also think you have to talk about all those little incidents nearer the death that just get stuck in your mind and can stay there for years. I think they need to be expressed.

Take care of yourself, it takes a long time to get over the death of a parent. Try to spend time doing the things YOU enjoy.
 

Bookworm

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,580
0
Co. Derry
Thank You Lucy

I went for a walk today through the woods where I lived as a child I thought it would bring Dad closer to me again but it was a bad idea the house that we lived in is no longer there and the woods have shrunk our favorite tree has been cut down and it all looked unloved somehow. So now I am back at work for another three hours of shifting paper around and acting like im in control
Oh dear - poor you - this sounds sad and very difficult - please take care when driving as you have so much on your mind at present to resolve - and that makes accidents at home, work & on road so much more likely. Just one thought new to what others have said - you don't have to be with your mum or on the phone all the time to let her know how much you care - it might be help you & her to just send a wee note or flowers even.....

You know you are not alone even when you feel that way because we are here and you are held close to our hearts......(((hugs)))