Carers don't bath my mother. Ideas for a worried son please.

[Ajayel]

My mother is uncooperative regarding baths and changing clothes by her carers and since having a bath seat installed last October they have bathed her once and helped her with a basin wash 3 times. They don't even wash her hair, which usually looks greasy and clothes go unchanged. Being a son, I can't really help in any practical way with bathing.

The carers say that if she doesn't want a bath, that's her choice and that seems to be that as far as they are concerned. My daughter does manage to get Mum into the bath with some gentle but firm coaxing, but she doesn't live near enough to do this other than occasionally.

I would like to hear other's experiences. Is the carers position acceptable? They have made no suggestions as to how the situation may be tackled and I would like Mum to have at least one bath a week.

I feel with rota of 12+ different people looking after her (she has a visit once a day) this doesn't help. They also arrive after she is up and dressed and take her word that she has washed or bathed when a dry flannel and bathroom indicate otherwise.

 

[ella24]

Hiya

I understand - my gran (who is in a home now) had some 'personal hygiene' issues when at home with visiting daytime carers.

The issue (and I understand why) is that any carers will have to honour the cared for's wishes (even if in conflict with family) - and that includes personal hygiene - unless the 'cared for' is deemed to not have the mental capacity to decide on their own.

To suggest some ways around this -
- Can you have a visiting hairdresser who will wash mum's hair weekly (a 'shampoo and set')?
- Does your mum go to day-care / see other people? - we found that gran took much more interested in appearance and hygiene when around other people ('am I presentable?' was often asked and gave the opportuntiy to advise on washing/clean clothes etc)
- sometimes daycare centres also help with washing etc too...

We had to come to terms with the washing by asking ourselves whether it was actually making gran unsafe or not. Even the most lucid people have varying standards of hygiene....

Ulitmately though, you cannot insist on this - my gran is now in a care home and she is still shower-dodging but they have told her that they have a bath rota (they don't!!) and she is on it for every Tuesday, so they got around it!!

e

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Ajayel,
Welcome to Talking Point. I don't have many suggestions regarding the bath except that often the AD patient becomes afraid of getting in and out of the bath. I think you should keep pushing the carers to work on getting your mother bathed. I did use bubble bath for Mum and that sometimes worked. Or I would offer her the choice of either a bath or shower and sometimes that worked.

I personally found the "your mother refused a bath/shower/wash" statement very frustrating and more than a bit of a cop-out.

I do have a suggestion about her hair. Would your mother like going to the hairdressers for a wash & set every week? I was able to get mine to the hairdresser's and that was accepted by her very easily. Mind you, the hairdresser was in the nursing home but she would go like a lamb to the hairdresser's while being very stroppy about being bathed.

Good luck, the non-bathing phase was one I found rather stressful.

 

[ellystokes1980]

my gran always tells the carers that she has had a wash before they arrive, even though it's obvious she hasnt.

We have found that by telling her that the carer will get into trouble if she doesnt take gran to have a wash, she will normally go. a small fib, but sometimes its the only way.

in fact this fib covers a multitude of situations and comes into play frequently !

might not work with your mum i know, but anything is worth a shot

Elly

 

[Helen33]

Dear Ajayel

My first thoughts are that as you are not going to be performing any of these bathing/washing rituals then the carers need to take this as an active issue to work on. You could ask them to come up with their own suggestions as to how they are going to try to overcome this problem Another thought is that perhaps you could talk to the care agency and isolate one or two of the carers to actively take responsibility for tackling this issue rather than trying to deal with so many of them. This way you are more likely to be able to monitor progress and have a realistic expectation of decent communication.

I know that other have posted in the past about similar problems with bathing/washing and, if I remember correctly, there were some good suggestions. However, as you won't be doing it yourself you are dependant on the determination and dedication of the care staff. I think a meeting with the Care Agency Manager might help towards a determined effort.

Love and I wish you all the best.

 

[Prague09]

tricky one

I understand that if the service user says that they dont want a bath then the carers cannot make them. However sometimes a little bit of encouragement wont go a miss.
I have a similar prob with my dad, his feet tend to swell but he wont always allow the carers to take his socks off and they cut into the lower half of his legs. I have been able to cut his socks at the back (so they dont show).

 

[Tender Face]

All for choice and respecting wishes ... but who's responsibility will it be if your mother harbours an infection through lack of personal hygiene? It sounds like she lacks capacity to make that level of informed choice ...

I wouldn't stress too much about baths ... my mum hated showers and became too immobile for baths even with the bath seat and aids provided at home ... basin or 'strip' washes became the norm for a long time ..... and a lot more dignity preserved in that simple process? Foot baths (good old washing up bowl full of bubbly stuff while watching telly!) got round the foot hygiene in a 'pampering' way.

Sorry to be cynical but are you sure the carers are respecting your mum's wishes - or just 'taking her word for it' to have an easier time for themselves?

I must confess, if it could be anyone of 12 people arriving to help with personal hygiene I'd be rather concerned ... to help with hygiene surely mum needs some continuity and trust for that element of personal care?

Defintely, you need to be speaking to the care agency/social services - whoever is arranging the care ....

Karen, x

 

[Chrissyan]

Ajayel welcome to the forum. May I first suggest that you ask the agency to reduce the number of carers going in. I complained when my Dad's went up to 6 in a week and he has two visits a day. You are likely to get a much better, & more personal service, if only a few are going in & the carer's & your Mum can get to know each other. If they see more of her they will get used to her moods & ways & how to handle her.

Everyone with dementia is different, but I must admit this not washing, changing clothes does seem very common to a lot of suffers.

The main carer from the care agency I use for my Dad, has suggested that we get a key safe fitted outside & a carer will go before he gets up, wake him, remove the previous days clothes & run him a bath & persuade him to get into it. It could be just once a week. I have yet to implement this, but am seriously considering it now.

A key safe is always a good idea anyway in case someone needs to be in in an emergency or your Mum locks everyone out, you never know what is around the corner with this unpredictable illness.

Failing that, is there a family member or friend that can steal her clothes after she has gone to bed or before she gets up a couple of times a week? That way at least her clothes will get changed.

My powers of persuasion are not working on my Dad anymore, although I managed to steal all his clothes & get them in his washing machine on Saturday, his last bath was three weeks ago & counting.. .

I know it's upsetting to see a parent scruffy & unkempt & dirty, especially when, like my Dad, they used to be so smart & fastidious. However it's not a big thing on the grand scale of this horrible illness. If you watched the documentary a few months ago, even Norman Wisdom won't have a bath these days.

 

[BettyL]

Hiya - sorry you're having such a hard time with the personal care. I can completely empathise with you - my dear old dad is exactly the same. Sometimes he doesn't let his carer wash or dress him, or he insists on wearing the same clothes for a week!

I was getting myself in a real two and eight about it until his main carer Mary said to me that the only person getting stressed out about dad not getting dressed every day was me. He was happy enough. I agreed but couldn't agree about the lack of wash - but as other posters have said, the carers claim they can't insist.

Every now and then I try and persuade dad that if he doesn't let the carers do their job ie wash him, they might get into trouble with the boss. I know it's bunkum but it has worked on many occasions - he couldn't bear to get anybody into bother. A body wash seems more appealing to him than a bath or shower.

Hope you find your answer.

Kind regards
Betty

 

[terry999]

Ajayel

Its a difficult one. I tried to make the bathroom as free from clutter as possible. No getting confused with other bottles e.g. poor mum would comb her hair through with fabric conditioner.

Can highly recommend hairdresser visits. There are some products I used do a search for "no-rinse" shampoo and wipes - these are useful - dry shampoos are ****.

Foot bath in bowl of water worked well mum enjoyed that.

Made sure always a clean set of underwear, skirt hanging in bathroom.

Damp cloths/wipes near toilet mum could clean herself. I didn't really care about general hygiene, but she was prone to UT Infections due to this poor hygiene.

In the end she accepted me strip washing her. You can, if wearing elasticated skirts etc put one over the other - so she is never naked in front of you.

Any chance of laying out towel, new clothes etc and saying come on Mum have to visit relatives, church or doctors anyhting where she would normally change for?

 

[Ajayel]

Thank you all

I just wanted to say thank you for such a fantastic response to my appeal for help, suggestions etc. I'm quite overwhelmed that so many people have taken the trouble to reply.

I now have lots of excellent ideas to try and suggest to the carers to try.

This is all fairly new to me and it is so encouraging that although many of you are struggling too, you are making the most of things and still finding the time to be supportive. I found the comments on attitude to things are as helpful as the practical suggestions.

Thank you all once again and I now feel more optimistic that something can be done to improve the situation.

Ajayel

 

[TinaT]

I haven't contributed Ajay as the others have made such good comments. Your remark about how it helps to see you are not alone and that other people are making the best of things srtikes a chord with me. I have understood more about coping from this site than from any where else, thanks to all the TP'ers who give their time and knowledge so freely and honestly.

xxTinaT

 

[magick]

My mum is in a home and they find it very difficult to persuade her to bathe. She's still completely physically able and doesn't need any personal care. They have to ask her daily and might succeed once a week if they are lucky. I'm forever hassling the CH to do more to persuade her because, to be blunt, she smells pretty bad and her hair is often greasy and dirty. I've even got to the point where I've suggested they are not meeting her basic needs by not somehow getting her into the bath more often but I do understand that persuading her to wash is not easy!

 

[ella24]

Hi Magick

My gran moved into her NH 5 weeks ago and was completely averse to baths and showers, but the NH have told her that there is a 'bath rota' (there isnt) and she is on it for every Tuesday - and now she goes willingly with her bubble bath.... It may well work if it sounds like that's 'the rules'....!!

e

 

[Lizzy22]

I looked after my father for several year after he broke his neck and this problem was the bayne of my life. I had to keep saying the same thing over and over again to different people. I would have gladly done it but being my father's daughter it was not appropriate. I did finally manage to get Dad a bath on a regular basis after a very uphill struggle. Some areas have specially dedicated places especially for this problem it might be worth enquiring again at you Doctors surgery? Good luck with this one as I know you will need it. It is so sad that something as fundemental as this is so lacking within the system.