I'm in a Pickle!

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
I haven't visited this forum for quite a while. I thought I was managing fine - mum in her residential home, dad being supported at his sheltered home - things at last falling into place. I now see that I was kidding myself - everything is not fine. My role as a carer might have changed but I feel I'm just not coping!

Mum's dementia makes her very unstable - she throws her arms around me on one visit and the next she's just awful - nasty and aggressive. She goes from loving all the residents and carers, to hating them all. My stomach churns every time I go up the stairs to her room - which mum will it be today? After living with this for two years I feel wretched. I feel guilty because sometimes I just don't want to go and visit, I don't like her - and then I'm overcome with shame to have had such thoughts.

Dad is another matter. He has short term memory loss and is physically very frail. He lives in a warden controlled flat, has people come in during the day to help him, but I am his carer. I do his washing, shopping, medication, etc etc. I have terrible problems with the care company - the care plan is often not followed and I am forever chasing them up! It's very wearing. Dad's physical condition means he spends some time every few months or so in hospital. The rest of the family think it is time for him to go in a home. I know it's because they see me getting in such a state sometimes that they want him to go in a home - but he really doesn't want to go. I don't have the heart to persuade him - but sometimes, I just feel so desperate.

It's bad enough that after 60 years together mum and dad are separated - mum can be very lucid at times and she misses dad so much. I try and take her to visit him as often as possible - but it's getting more and more difficult. Dad could even go in the same home as mum but he won't. And I can't blame him - he may have his moments but he's not at that stage yet. He's 83 today and I'm just getting ready to go to see him - I'm with him at least 3 times a week. The plan is to take mum home for a tea party. Well that's the plan!!

Sorry to ramble on - but I feel so weighed down with it all. My husband is very supportive, as are my daughters, but they have stuff to do - lives to get on with! I've been so weepy and tetchy lately. What do the rest of you do when it all gets too much?
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
What do the rest of you do when it all gets too much?


We come on TP and tell our friends!:)

Betty, you have too much on your plate. It's hard enough coping with one parent, but when both need care, it becomes impossible unless you rationalise the situation.

Is there any way that you could persuade your dad to go into the care home? It would be so much easier for you to visit them both together, and not be fighting constant battles.

I think the hardest part of your situation is having to wrestle with care agencies. So many members have similar problems, and the battle seems unending. Without this stress, I think you'd be better able to deal with your mum's mood swings.

Please think about it. Your own health is important, for you and your family.

Love and hugs
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
Thanks for the words of encouragement Hazel. I needed to get it all out and your support is so much appreciated.

Mum was so much better today - she even remembered being so nasty on Monday and was very remorseful - we both had a little weep. The birthday tea went very well - it was lovely to see mum and dad so happy together.

A happy enough day today, but I think perhaps joining a local carers group might help. I need to be able to deal with the
see- saw situations I keep finding myself in.

Best regards
Betty
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
but I am his carer. I do his washing, shopping, medication, etc etc. I have terrible problems with the care company - the care plan is often not followed and I am forever chasing them up! It's very wearing.

I have terrible problems with the care company - the care plan is often not followed and I am forever chasing them up! It's very wearing.

Do you have a social worker for your father ?
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
Yes - I do have a Social Worker for him at the moment. He's only been out of one of his recent stays in hospital for about three weeks, so he always gets allocated a Social Worker based at the hospital. She's very nice, but after a few weeks his "case" will be handed back to Social Services, Care for the Elderly in the Community department - they will monitor his situation for a few weeks and then his case will be filed.

I have a meeting with Beatrice (Social Worker) and his care company on Wednesday which I have requested, but this is about the fifth time I've had to demand a meeting! The administrators of the care company say all the right things but it never translates to actions by the carers. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy enough to do his shopping, washing etc - but I want the carers to do the day to day tasks properly. I want them to make sure he's washed & dressed, I want them to make sure he's got a dry incontinence pad on, I want them to prompt his medication, I want them to prepare his evening tea, it's only a sandwich and a cake for goodness sake, I want them to put his tv on for him in the morning etc etc - no rocket science involved just a care plan to be followed but time and again they seem incapable. I've had reassurance after reassurance but to no avail. To be perfectly honest I've lost faith in the system.

Sorry to ramble on again but I went there yesterday and yet again no tea had been given on Friday evening. It makes me so upset as he is reliant on these people and I feel that I am letting him down!
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Betty

I am so glad that the birthday tea went well Betty and that you and mum had a close time after her outburst.

I really do feel that you should not have to put up with the extra stress of the inadequate and unreliable care especially after so many meetings. I wonder whether you could insist on changing care agencies. Think about talking to the Social Worker about this. You have enough on your plate without being expected to have to chase up these matters all the time. Also a letter stating to the care agency some of what you have said to us could have more effect in getting these matters resolved - a letter is more solid. You should expect to receive what they say they will offer and if they are not performing then you need to be told what they intend to do about it and when. Personally, I think a change of agency would be better if this is possible.

Wishing you all the best.

Love
 

Cl13

Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
775
0
Cumbria uk
Hi Betty,Sorry your plans for your Dad are not working out, we, being care'ers do everything on auto pilate and everything gets done, but I'm afraid paid help is not same, I sometimes think common sense fly's out of the window, there's no excuse for not leaving your dads tea or making sure he is dry, why dont you leave instuctions for the day on dads fridge and suggest they tick the list before leaving, it might work you never know.
I've never employed a care'er but I've employed staff in our shop for 29yrs,they are all trained to do the same job, same work every openings, but the times I've heard " I didnt know I was supposed to do that" or " the other woman does that, doesen't she", I'm afraid its a constant battle, hope next week is better for you.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
I think perhaps joining a local carers group might help. I need to be able to deal with the
see- saw situations I keep finding myself in.
IT certainly would Betty. You would meet people in similar situations and hopefully build local friendships to ease the feelings of isolation in your role as a carer.

Quote Betty
My husband is very supportive, as are my daughters, but they have stuff to do - lives to get on with!
So even though you have a supportive family you are still caring in isolation. Please get yourself to a support group as soon as possible. I`m sure it will help you.
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
Thank you all so much for your support - it does mean so much to me. Your advice is very welcome.

With regards the carers - I thought I'd made it so easy for them. I write out a daily tea menu at the beginning of each week and stick it on his kitchen cupboard. He has one carer called Mary who is a gem. But obviously Mary can't work 24/7 and at the weekend or on Mary's days off we have a variety of faces come through the door. Nobody seems to stay very long with the company - I have thought about direct payments but am worried it might be the wrong decision at this time. I've written to the care bosses and had so many reassurances. But every other week it's a new problem.

My dear dad never complains, but he deserves so much better. I'm the one who always seem to be complaining - the care company switchboard operator knows my voice now! I'm tired.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
Betty - you might find it worthwhile to complain about this "care" agency through the CSCI CSCI.org.uk Mostly people tend to think of them in relation to care homes but they also deal with care agencies.

I second (or is it third) the suggestion about joining a local carers group - apart from anything else it can be a rich source of information about what is available locally for carers.
 

stardust

Registered User
Feb 17, 2009
21
0
north west
hi betty

i agree with jennifer, if you don't complain nothing get's done. and don't forget s/s signpost us to care agencies, so if they dont know what's going on they will keep on doing so.:eek:
 

stardust

Registered User
Feb 17, 2009
21
0
north west
me again

put it in writing to the care agency and to csci, you will find thier address on the web just tap in csci to find your nearest office.:)
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
Thanks all so much for the advice, which I am definitely going to follow. I have the meeting tomorrow afternoon with the social worker and the care agency. I'll get the usual reassurances but at least now I know what steps to take next. Hopefully that will be dear old dad sorted, but as for mum..........:(
 

linda js

Registered User
Aug 1, 2008
40
0
Leigh on Sea Essex
Hi
Sorry you are having a bad time.Try not to take it to heart,I know its hard and wearing.
My best advice is go home-large glass wine-have a good moan on this site.
Makes you feel so much better.
Love to you-CHEERS!!!Linda;)
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
0
Essex
Thanks Linda

I've already taken your advice but the one glass of wine has now turned to two - and I don't want it to go any further!! I agree though, a lovely glass (or two) of Chardonnay is heaven!!:)

Betty xx

PS Made contact with the local Alzheimer's group today. Unfortunately I missed this month's meeting but have arranged to meet up for April one. It's held in the residential home where my mum lives - and I didn't even know about it!!!
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
In a perfect world you would have mum and dad in the same care home. Perfect for you and the most safe and best place for them. Sadly we don't live in this wonderful world. All you can do is muddle on as best you can until one day a big thing will happen and that will change things again. It is such a shame that you can't persuade your dad that being with mum would be a good thing for him.

You have been given good advice about the agency. They are very good at 'talking the talk' but not so good at 'walking the walk'. A big hug to you xxxTinaT
 

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